Am I dealing with a control freak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Am I dealing with a control freak?
11
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:36pm
I'm back, a few days after posting my "I'm so hurt" post, about my husband telling me my body is "gross" (I'm 5'5" and weigh 139).

Last night he sent me an e-mail with an attachment called "dolphins and whales". When I opened it, there was a pic of very slim naked women swimming, titled "dolphins". Under it was a pic of naked women whose one leg was the size of my entire body, and it said "whales". After that, he sent me an e-mail saying "you're on your way to being a whale". Under that, he added "just kidding!". Hmmmm, WAS he kidding? Or was he just trying to be mean?

Then today, at 2 o'clock, I went upstairs to run bath water so I could get ready to go to Curves to work out. I'm in the bathroom with the bathtub filling, and I'm literally sitting on the commode urinating when the bathroom door bursts open and he says "you're NOT taking a bath now, I have to be at the tire store to have my tires put on at 3 o'clock, I need to shower NOW", and he turns my bath water off and drains the tub!

Needless to say, we had words. I asked him if he had told me he needed the bathroom at 2 o'clock, or if he just assumed I could read his mind. He said "well, I told you yesterday I had a 3 o'clock appointment for the tires, you should have known I'd need to shower first". I said "well, I'm going out too, and I need to take a bath and wash my hair". Now he says "going to Curves isn't as important as getting new tires". GRRRRRRR.

Okay, I'll grant you, he had a specific appointed time, and I have a few hours leeway with Curves, but it was the WAY he did it and said it, bursting into the bathroom screaming and red-faced like I just shot his dog or something. If he had knocked on the door and said "would you mind if I shower first, I have that appointment for my tires", it would have been fine, I'm not unreasonable.

Everything has to be a confrontation with him, especially the little things that most people would just shrug off without a second thought. And the older he gets, the worse he gets.

I can't afford to go out on my own, our debt is over a hundred grand, and I'd be personally responsible for half of it. Jobs here don't pay well, especially for women. I have what is considered a GREAT paying job here, and I get 8 bucks an hour (and no benefits cuz they won't give anyone full time). I have no skills to speak of, no college at all. If I divorced him, I'd lose everything I worked for all my life and I'd probably end up bankrupt to boot.

He's never been physically abusive, but good Lord, this attitude of his is hard to take sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:59pm
OK, J, I'm getting sick and tired of this a$$hole's BS! YES, you ABSOLUTELY are dealing with a control freak! The e-mail about the "dolphins and whales" just makes me sick!

I bet he'd be very interested to know that your body mass index (BMI) is *right on target* for your height! A female who is 5'5" tall and weighs 139 lbs. has a BMI of 23, which is perfect. That's right, I said "perfect." Your ideal weight for your height is between 120 and 150 lbs. You are WELL within that range! If you want to see this for yourself, type "body mass calculator" into a search engine, and see what comes up. You can enter your height in inches (it would be 65 inches) and your weight into these calculators and push the "caluclate" button. It will come back with your BMI and a healthy weight range for you, which should show you proof that he is WRONG!!! Please don't listen to him. My BMI is 23 also (I'm 5'4" and weigh about 135, give or take), and my BF thinks I'm GORGEOUS (for what reason, I *still* don't know!).

My point in all of this rambling is that there is documented, scientific proof that you are totally within a healthy weight range, and that he is *completely* off-balance. This guy is a total weirdo. You need to get rid of him ASAP!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:08pm

J,


Your H is rude, cruel, crude and downright mean.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:08pm
And I have to add to Emm's post. Even if you were not perfect, that would still give him no right to say anything like that to you. He's supposed to love, honor and cherish you for better or worse. That's not what he is doing. Don't take anything he says to heart. He wants to hurt you for whatever reason. Realize that he does this because he wants to control you. If you let it hurt you (or at least let him see it hurt you) you give him what he wants. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:25pm
EXACTLY, Jen! Thanx for having the calmness to say what I meant to say if I hadn't been so flippin pissed off at her H at the time I posted my original post. You're absolutely right that he has NO RIGHT to say things like that to her, even if she was two feet tall and weighed 500 lbs.! :o/

And BTW, J, Gabby is exactly right when she says that he also had no right to act like an ass about the bath thing, too. *Rational*, *normal* people just don't treat others like that. If he wanted to get his shower first, fine, the *reasonable* thing to do would have been to simply ask you, you know, like some kind of a HUMAN BEING?!?! This guy sounds like a *real* jerk.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:28pm
emm, I do appreciate your advice, and everyone else's, but "getting rid of him" is easier said than done, and to be honest, I'm not even sure I want to get rid of him, tho his bad points ARE bad, he's got good ones too. We're married 32 years and have an adult son, and we had dreams and plans for our "empty nest" years that I don't want to abandon. You don't just throw away 32 years without a lot of thought. Plus, like I said earlier, I would not be able to make it on my own financially. Natural gas alone this winter averaged 300 a month for my house, and it's not a big house. If we divorced, I'd literally be eaten alive financially. We have a lot of debt, but we have an excellent credit record for paying our bills on time, and I'd hate to see that ruined. I've been with this guy for 35 years of my life (including the time we dated), he's all I know. I left my moms house as a married woman living with him, I've never been on my own, and I'm not at all sure I could handle it.

The attack on the WTC all but depleted our retirement fund, we lost bigtime. When I say I live paycheck to paycheck, I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm not saying we're paupers, we have decent clothes, (older) cars, a half of a duplex, and food on the table, but that's about where it ends. The retirement fund we have left right now is only about 200 grand, and that will all be taxed when we hit retirement age, so it won't really be 200 grand. And if we withdraw it before retirement age (and you can only withdraw it under certain "dire" circumstances, and divorce isn't one of em) there's a 38% penalty.

I don't know what the answers are. In some ways I care about him, and in others he just makes me miserable. But I have to be realistic and not cut off my nose to spite my face, ya know? Life without him would probably be a lot more difficult than life with him.

But an occasional bout of laryngitis wouldn't be unwelcome! *snicker*
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 1:53pm
I know what you are saying about it being difficult to leave. I had only been with my ex-fiance for four years and it was extremely hard and still is. I'd just hate to see you spending the rest of your life miserable with (to use Emm's term, I can think of others) that jerk. It is only you who can make the decision, but keep thinking hard on it and keep posting here. Jackie would be good to talk to. She's just now leaving her husband after 27 years. Good luck to you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 2:16pm
Gee, I don't know where to begin . . . .

First of all, I have been married to my H for 27 years 4/23. I don't consider it throwing away those 27 years; I consider it finally enriching my life after 27 years. The good thing about those years have been my 4 children and my 3 grandchildren. The years with him I feel like I have wasted and I could kick myself in the butt for that. Oh, yes, he has good points, too. There are some people who think he is just wonderful because he can smile and pretend to be the nicest person that ever lived. He could make me feel so special by handing me a check to help pay for bills, even though he hadn't given me a red cent to help out in 3 months. You get 'conditioned' to think the things they do aren't so bad and when they finally do something decent you feel so rewarded. But you know what? 'Normal' men in 'normal' relationships do those things all the time for their wives but don't expect anything in return because it just comes naturally to them. Occasionally, he would do things that just surprised me, I'd get my hopes up that finally he hand changed, then I'd just get my hopes crushed again. He fell off a house 2 years ago and fractured his spine. He was mad at me at the time but he wouldn't let the guy on the job call anybody but me. I got on the job, saw what was going on and called the ambulance. They took him to the hospital (one of the EMS guys said he drew back a fist to punch him when he tried to put in the IV) and as soon as he got in the emergency room I got the cold shoulder again. I took off work Tues., Wed., Thurs., Fri. to stay with him, all the while getting the cold shoulder, but when his brothers and SIL would walk in he'd just smile. He told everyone that came in that he was going to change his life and he felt like God was talking to him (still giving me the cold shoulder). Friday he went home. All Friday night he was in pain and I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier at me (you know, everything that happened, to him, was my fault). Saturday morning I was so nervous and walking on eggshells 'cause I knew what was coming. He was sitting in the bathroom and I was trying to wash his hair when he finally exploded and started screaming, cursing and swinging at me. His brother came down and flew in on me. H cried and pretended I had done something to him (to this day he can't tell me what). There's a long story of H lying and turning his family against me, too, that I won't get into. Anyway, his brother threw a cup at me that missed my head by inches and H ended up leaving with him (his family is extremely dysfunctional and abusive - another long story). Now all of this was 4 days after he broke his back! Anyway, the moral of the story is that it will never get better and the bad far outweighs the good (can't remember any good). I have 2 grown children, 1 teenager and 1 12 year old and I would have been much better off if I'd left years ago.

As far as the fat jokes. He is a piece of crap. My H always tried to make me feel inferior to all women. I am 5'3", 125 lbs. and wear a size 5/6. I know I'm not fat, but I'll always struggle with the idea he's put in my head of being fat and ugly and nobody would want me. I know men who are married to women who are very heavy, but these men worship the ground their wives walk on. The issue is not the weight at all; the real issue is deceit and cruelty of these men (I use that word very loosely).

It sounds to me as if you'd do just fine financially. Besides, I feel like if I stayed with my H much longer I'd lose my health or mental stability. Is your physical or emotional health worth money?

Hope you can find the strength to reach down and find yourself. Took me a heck of a long time to put my hand above water.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 2:18pm
BTW, doesn't he have a girlfriend? Honey, you deserve better than that!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:30am
I know you wrote your message a couple of weeks ago, but I just had to reply. Your dh sounds just like mine, and yes I'm married to a control freak and have been for over 20 years. So, sorry to say hon, but yes you're married to a control freak.

He gets mad over every little thing just like yours and when I tell him to stop yelling or stop getting mad, he tells me he's not yelling or he's not mad. He got really ticked off the day I told him his everyday voice doesn't normally reach that octive. Or if he's being a jerk I'll ask him if he'd talk to one of his friends like that? Or why does he feel because I'm his wife that he can take out his temper on me when he wouldn't to his co-workers or friends. Oh, he gets mad at that!

When we run errands sometimes he'll tell me to wait in the car, and sometimes I choose to wait in the car, either way, he goes into whatever place of business, he'll be gone forever. He just leaves me there for sometimes up to twenty minutes. Then when I get mad for leaving me sitting there for all that time, while he's just inside socializing he gets even madder at me for saying anything. I'm sorry but leaving someone sitting in the car for twenty minutes is just down right rude and disrespectful. Or better yet, if I go in to get him or honk the horn, then the anger gets turned around so somehow it's my fault. But in the meantime when I go somewhere, I go in do my thing and leave I don't leave him waiting. I've tried, but I just don't have it in me to be that spiteful.

I could go on forever. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't get angry about something. You should hear him while he's driving, if the people around him aren't driving exactly as he thinks they should be he yells at them. I keep telling him that they can't hear him (and he looks like a total idiot by the way), only I can hear him yelling and I hate it when he yells. He doesn't care, he just keeps yelling and swearing.

What a prince. This is why, after all these years, I'm finally throwing in the towel. I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of seeing pity in my friends faces because they see what a hair trigger tempered control freak he is.

For 6 years I was at the same job. The job would be done at 5:30, by the time I finished the paperwork it'd be 6 (and no it couldn't be done any faster than that) by the time I got home it was 6:20 - 6:30. Every single night I'd come home and walk in the door to him glaring at me and asking me why I was late and why I couldn't get home at 5:40 if my job was done by 5:30. He never ever, ever listened, just yelled.

Oh boy, rehashing this stuff makes me glad I'm going to tell him it's over and I'm leaving. Maybe life will be relatively peaceful and reasonable again. Unlike most people we're debt free (we focused on paying it all off, and did. We're very fortunate that we made the sacrifices and did it) and we don't have any kids, just a couple of dogs. So I have to find a place to live and a vehicle. But 8 years ago when I first got really serious about leaving him, we had debt, and I had a lousy paying job and I knew I could either afford a cheap little apartment, or a car, but not both. It was horribly stressful. At that time though I told him that we either fixed things or I was going to leave. He was so shocked, he didn't know how unhappy I was. So we worked on it. Of course, he wouldn't seek professional help, because in his opinion they're all just out for his money, they don't know anything. Did I mention he's a twit? ;o)

I hope for your sake your dh is more reasonable than mine and you both find a way to help him be less controlling and help you be stronger. I hope your friends are as strong and supportive and loving as I have found mine to be.

Take care

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:35am
P.S. I forgot to tell you, I'm 5'5" and I weight 137 lbs. You're perfectly normal. I will admit though that I am out of shape. I look best when I'm 115 lbs and working out 4 or 5 times a week, but the workouts fell to the wayside about 5 years ago. And I haven't had the motivation to get back to it. Good for you for going to Curves, keep going, it'll do wonders for your mental well being.

;o)

Jessie

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