Am I in denial??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Am I in denial??
9
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:43pm
I came upon this board accidentially, like a week ago. I coudln't bring myself to write anything, becuase I just didnt' know what to say. I hope by reading this it isn't all over the place. Maybe it was meant to be so I could have somewhere to go. Not sure if I'm even in the right place. I guess my ending question is...am I truly being abused?? I am 23 years old. Married for 2 months. Been with H for 3 years. We have a 1 1/2 year old son and I am 6 months preg with a daughter due in August. H and I have so much history together. Crazy history that I feel like you could write a book about or write a soap opera about. I'm not going to get into too much detail just because I don't want to make this too long to read. In those three years he has hit me once. But justified it as being my fault because I was trying to fight him off when he was holding me down. I"ve gotten numerous bruises from him on my arms and neck because of all of the wrestling matches we've had. As far as amotional. I feel like he has stripped me of my self esteem. He calls me everything in the book. Slut, whore, bitch, idiot, any name you could think of. Somtimes he says it angrly but somtimes he says it joking around. I've told him time and time again, please don't play around that way in calling me names. that i dont like it. He says I'm being a big baby and to grow up and just laugh it off like a joke. But I can't. It hurts. I mean I dotn' play around liek that with him. Becuase he has told me he doesn't want me to do it to him. So shouldn' I get the same respect?? We argue about EVERYTHING!!! He says the reason why we argue is becuase I can't just leave things be. I always have to have an oppinion about everything he does or doesn't do. That not completly true. I only get upset at him when he makes poor choices that affect all of us. LIke spending our money on beer and haning out on the weekends. Or coming home at 6am in the morning, being drunk and wanting sex from me. (which I feel discusting when I do give in, I do it just so that he doesn't get angry and raise a big fuss)I have talked to one of those councelors over the phone, and they keep telling me that he is controlling and is abusive that I should get out and move on....HELLO i'm sorry but that is much easier said then done. First of all you can't just tell someone "hey you are being abused, so get out" it's not that simple. or is it??? Oh God I dont' know!!! Somtimes I jsut don't think that what I'm going thru is as bad as others. I mean there are woman out there that get hit or somthing for any little thing that they do. I'm not one of those woman. He has only hit me once. But his anger has brought him close to doing it a couple of times. Somtimes because of all of the emotional stuff that he puts me through, I yell at him to hit me so that I can feel that pain instead of the pain i feel inside. Is that stupid?? Am I wrong in saying that? Being pregnant has been terrible this time around. I have lost wieght instead of gain. I am smoking cigarretts and can't seem to stop. SO I have all those guilts on me which make me feel even worse!!!! I dont' know how to act towards him anymore. I dont' see him as my friend liek I used to. I see him as an authority figure in my life. Does that make sense?? I'm going to stop here becuase I just can't think clearly anymore. Please tell me what you think. And if you have any questions please please ask. I can't only be on here during work, becuase I dont; have a computer at home. So if I dont' get right back to you, just be patient with me okay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:04pm
I know that it hurts! Please for the sake of your child, quit smoking. It could hurt your baby and cause problems for the rest of its life!! This is the time to turn to food. You should be gaining weight when you are in your 6th month. Are you going to counseling? If not start ASAP. I am just getting out of an abusive relationship and understand how it lowers your self-esteem. Fortunately, I was not married to my BF. I don't feel that I can give you advice about the abuse. I think that a professional should do that. I am getting free counseling at the local crisis center. Have you tried that? Know that you are not alone. I think it is important to work on yourself. Your love of yourself and your child is very important right now. My counselor told me to make a list of my good qualities to start working on loving myself. It was a good idea.
Strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:14pm

Thank you so much for responding to my message. I am deperate for some outside communication. I don't much of that because I have no friends.

I know I know!!! I feel terrible everytime I light up!!! In these times I feel like my Husand is right I am a bad mother!!! What mother would want to hurt their babies??!?!!? I tried counceling but he found out and forbids me to go and talk about "our business" so that's why I thought about coming on the message boards. I will try what you said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:24pm

My standard answer for those who ask if they are being abused is, "If you have to ask, you probably are." Take that for what it's worth.

As to whether or not it is as simple as "you're being abused, get out"; it is and it isn't. Leaving will probably have to be the end result, but seldom is it as simple as packing up your stuff and finding an apartment. The thing that anyone leaving an abuser needs to do is to formulate a plan of how they intend to do it. Check out this post for ideas on how to form a safety plan:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25758.1&ctx=0

Also check out our board webpage, accessible through the "Learn more about this community" link at the top of our page. Best of luck, and post more whenever you're ready.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:38pm
Being married to someone does not mean that they own you. He shouldn't be able to forbid you from going to a counselor. You need to go for yourself. Even if you never talked about him there, you still need help in bolstering yourself so you can do the right things. Do not think that you are a bad mother. Just start trying to do the next right thing at the time. Take it one day at a time and find substitutes for smoking. My doctor used to tell me to eat ice-cream when I couldn't gain weight when I was pregnant. It has both fat and the calcium you need. When you do eat, make sure you are getting enough calories nad vitamins. Get some books on abusive relationships at the library and read the web-site. One of the best articles on defining abuse that I have found is at drjoecarver.com. I don't have anyone to talk to either. They keep us isolated. This board saves me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 2:23pm
Oh my gosh I just got done reading the article from the website that you sent to me (by the way, thank you!!!) And I can't believe how many of those my husband is!!! Deep down I guess i knew it. But I didn't want to believe it. This might be a stupid question but....can we work on it?? Is there somthing that I can do to change his heart or the way that he is?? Do i just get up and leave right now, or do I stick around longer to see if it all changes?? You know why I ask...it's because we broke up 3 times before and he said that he had other relationships and said that they weren't as bad as being with me. He got along with them just fine, but with me he says that I am just bitchy!!! I dont' know. How long were you with this board before you finally decided to get out?? (if that's too personal don't answer it okay)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 2:32pm

Hi Elm,

Abuse is more than just hitting. It's a neverending mind bending circle of I love you, tension, I hate you and then finally oh you know I didn't mean it I love you. Could be physical, could be all verbal, but it hurts the same and it is just as scary when you're in it.

No leaving isn't easy and it's not just a matter of packing up and moving out. Especially, when you have children. Maybe instead of thinking big picture you focus on the smaller steps towards the big picture. Like okay now you're pregnant. What do you need to do to help the baby be healthy. Then start with a safety plan of gathering what important documents and things you will need if you have to leave in a hurry, then start thinking about what you would or could do to start getting on your feet to leave. I know while I was pregnant and being abused I was so stressed I literally cried every day and threw up in the kitchen sink every morning from stress and anxiety. The OB put me on Zoloft to help with it and it really did wonders and is not harmful to the baby as it does not cross the placenta.

Use the hotline number to your local shelter. They can talk whenever you need an ear and they are 24/7 or you can call the national hotline they are also 24/7 and can help you when you can call safety. I would also check into getting into counseling for yourself at the shelter. They work on a sliding scale and are sometimes totally free. I have never paid for any of the legal or mental support they have given me of the last 18ths.

I left when I was 8mths pregnant and I went from being a married couple having a baby to a pregnant teenager. It's tough, but it gets better and my son is happier because of it.

-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 6:15pm

Elm, you are being abused.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
In reply to: elm06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:36pm
I've only been here for 6 wks. I started after I broke it off with my BF of 7 yrs. After 3 weeks we started talking about working on our relationship again. As of last night, it is over again. For me, it is very hard to STAY out. I was not married to him and didn't have kids with him. I have four kids with my ex-husband though. At the crisis center where I go, they have a program for batterers. There are also anger managment programs around and 12-step anger addict programs. If your husband would commit himself to one of those it would be great because I hate to see families broken up. You also do not deserve to be abused and it is not healthy for your children. But I don't know him. It would take a long-term, real committment I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
In reply to: elm06
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:58am

Hi Elm,

You asked "Am I in denial??" The answer is yes. I am a survivor of a 28 year marriage of abuse. It started before we were married. Once I gave it a name in 1998 there was no going back. It took me another 6 years to finally escape. I tried everything to make it work, it was all about him from the beginning. Please don't live like I did and put your children through it either. It is not healthy, trust me, once all your life has been wasted on him as mine was is not worth it. I am starting over at 59 and wonder what happened to my life. As far as not being able to go for counseling, here is the best advice you will find for all the help you will need. They saved my life. Take care of yourself, you matter and we care,

Luv, Sherry