Am I in denial??
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Am I in denial??
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:43pm |
I came upon this board accidentially, like a week ago. I coudln't bring myself to write anything, becuase I just didnt' know what to say. I hope by reading this it isn't all over the place. Maybe it was meant to be so I could have somewhere to go. Not sure if I'm even in the right place. I guess my ending question is...am I truly being abused?? I am 23 years old. Married for 2 months. Been with H for 3 years. We have a 1 1/2 year old son and I am 6 months preg with a daughter due in August. H and I have so much history together. Crazy history that I feel like you could write a book about or write a soap opera about. I'm not going to get into too much detail just because I don't want to make this too long to read. In those three years he has hit me once. But justified it as being my fault because I was trying to fight him off when he was holding me down. I"ve gotten numerous bruises from him on my arms and neck because of all of the wrestling matches we've had. As far as amotional. I feel like he has stripped me of my self esteem. He calls me everything in the book. Slut, whore, bitch, idiot, any name you could think of. Somtimes he says it angrly but somtimes he says it joking around. I've told him time and time again, please don't play around that way in calling me names. that i dont like it. He says I'm being a big baby and to grow up and just laugh it off like a joke. But I can't. It hurts. I mean I dotn' play around liek that with him. Becuase he has told me he doesn't want me to do it to him. So shouldn' I get the same respect?? We argue about EVERYTHING!!! He says the reason why we argue is becuase I can't just leave things be. I always have to have an oppinion about everything he does or doesn't do. That not completly true. I only get upset at him when he makes poor choices that affect all of us. LIke spending our money on beer and haning out on the weekends. Or coming home at 6am in the morning, being drunk and wanting sex from me. (which I feel discusting when I do give in, I do it just so that he doesn't get angry and raise a big fuss)I have talked to one of those councelors over the phone, and they keep telling me that he is controlling and is abusive that I should get out and move on....HELLO i'm sorry but that is much easier said then done. First of all you can't just tell someone "hey you are being abused, so get out" it's not that simple. or is it??? Oh God I dont' know!!! Somtimes I jsut don't think that what I'm going thru is as bad as others. I mean there are woman out there that get hit or somthing for any little thing that they do. I'm not one of those woman. He has only hit me once. But his anger has brought him close to doing it a couple of times. Somtimes because of all of the emotional stuff that he puts me through, I yell at him to hit me so that I can feel that pain instead of the pain i feel inside. Is that stupid?? Am I wrong in saying that? Being pregnant has been terrible this time around. I have lost wieght instead of gain. I am smoking cigarretts and can't seem to stop. SO I have all those guilts on me which make me feel even worse!!!! I dont' know how to act towards him anymore. I dont' see him as my friend liek I used to. I see him as an authority figure in my life. Does that make sense?? I'm going to stop here becuase I just can't think clearly anymore. Please tell me what you think. And if you have any questions please please ask. I can't only be on here during work, becuase I dont; have a computer at home. So if I dont' get right back to you, just be patient with me okay.

Strong
Thank you so much for responding to my message. I am deperate for some outside communication. I don't much of that because I have no friends.
I know I know!!! I feel terrible everytime I light up!!! In these times I feel like my Husand is right I am a bad mother!!! What mother would want to hurt their babies??!?!!? I tried counceling but he found out and forbids me to go and talk about "our business" so that's why I thought about coming on the message boards. I will try what you said.
My standard answer for those who ask if they are being abused is, "If you have to ask, you probably are." Take that for what it's worth.
As to whether or not it is as simple as "you're being abused, get out"; it is and it isn't. Leaving will probably have to be the end result, but seldom is it as simple as packing up your stuff and finding an apartment. The thing that anyone leaving an abuser needs to do is to formulate a plan of how they intend to do it. Check out this post for ideas on how to form a safety plan:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25758.1&ctx=0
Also check out our board webpage, accessible through the "Learn more about this community" link at the top of our page. Best of luck, and post more whenever you're ready.
Hi Elm,
Abuse is more than just hitting. It's a neverending mind bending circle of I love you, tension, I hate you and then finally oh you know I didn't mean it I love you. Could be physical, could be all verbal, but it hurts the same and it is just as scary when you're in it.
No leaving isn't easy and it's not just a matter of packing up and moving out. Especially, when you have children. Maybe instead of thinking big picture you focus on the smaller steps towards the big picture. Like okay now you're pregnant. What do you need to do to help the baby be healthy. Then start with a safety plan of gathering what important documents and things you will need if you have to leave in a hurry, then start thinking about what you would or could do to start getting on your feet to leave. I know while I was pregnant and being abused I was so stressed I literally cried every day and threw up in the kitchen sink every morning from stress and anxiety. The OB put me on Zoloft to help with it and it really did wonders and is not harmful to the baby as it does not cross the placenta.
Use the hotline number to your local shelter. They can talk whenever you need an ear and they are 24/7 or you can call the national hotline they are also 24/7 and can help you when you can call safety. I would also check into getting into counseling for yourself at the shelter. They work on a sliding scale and are sometimes totally free. I have never paid for any of the legal or mental support they have given me of the last 18ths.
I left when I was 8mths pregnant and I went from being a married couple having a baby to a pregnant teenager. It's tough, but it gets better and my son is happier because of it.
-Jennifer
Elm, you are being abused.
Hi Elm,
You asked "Am I in denial??" The answer is yes. I am a survivor of a 28 year marriage of abuse. It started before we were married. Once I gave it a name in 1998 there was no going back. It took me another 6 years to finally escape. I tried everything to make it work, it was all about him from the beginning. Please don't live like I did and put your children through it either. It is not healthy, trust me, once all your life has been wasted on him as mine was is not worth it. I am starting over at 59 and wonder what happened to my life. As far as not being able to go for counseling, here is the best advice you will find for all the help you will need. They saved my life. Take care of yourself, you matter and we care,
Luv, Sherry