Am I doing the right thing?
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:46pm |
I left my husband of 8 years 4 weeks ago after he hit my mom for trying to take our daughter out of his arms. He was drunk and wanted to take her and I home from my parent's house. I had just had an emergency appendectomy the previous day and he was there to pick us up. I said I didn't want him to take her because he'd been drinking and my mom was trying to help stop him from taking her since I couldn't lift anything. He said he hit her in defense, but there was nothing to defend.
He has had a problem with drinking for a while. He had been trying to quit on his own, but after 2 weeks he usually starts up again. I have been trying to get him to go to treatment, but he didn't want to go. He wants to control it himself.
He has never hit me, and hitting anyone else was a first too. I left him to force him to think about what he needed to do. He has started alcohol treatment (even though he tried to put it off) and we have discussed going to marriage counseling to work out our other problems. I am putting off going to counseling because I want him to concentrate on one thing at a time. But he is trying to guilt me into returning to him now. I want to go back to him, but I'm afraid it will go back to the way it was before. I have never left him before, but we have talked about some of the problems and he promises to change then things just gradually go back to how it was before. Part of this is my fault because I allow it. I just go along with what he wants.
He is a controlling person. He doesn't really put me down, but he corrects many things that I try to do, he acts like a parent (I want you to do x today while I'm gone even though I work full time), he doesn't like me spending time with others (he especially hates my mom who is my best friend), gets jealous if I talk too long to any guys (he even broke his hand after punching a wall when a guy flirted with me at a party early in our marriage). He wants to have things his way. We recently went on a camping trip with my family. We traveled with my parents and met my brother at the camping location. My brother and his wife had set up the reservations for the camping location, but my husband decided before we even got there that he didn't want to stay there. When we got to the camp, he rode around the camp by himself and came back saying there was no way we could fit in there and he didn't want to stay there. None of the rest of us had a problem staying there, but he did so we left because he said I could stay or not but he wasn't. He just had to have it his way. He guilts me into shortening my time away. He never says he doesn't want me to do it, but he makes me feel guilty for doing it. He doesn't help much with our daughters (3 and 7 months) or around the house. He also has a terrible temper. If something goes wrong, something is going to break, whether it is the thing he was trying to fix or a wall because it was close. I get so angry because we are constantly having to buy new things because he broke it. I tell him to stop before he breaks something and he tells me to leave him alone because that is how he needs to take out his anger. Our daughter has started to imitate this particular behavior and I am trying to break her from that.
Anyway, before this gets any longer. I want to go back to him because I still love him and he is the father of our children, but am trying to stay away to help him realize that he needs help. I hope that he will change with the treatment and counseling. Is that possible? Was I right to leave him? When is the right time to go back? Please help!

Hi Valerie and welcome -
Yes, you were right to leave, there is no "right time" to go back, and there is little to no chance that he will suddenly wake up and be the dream husband and father you want him to be.
CL-Blueliner4
You are so right about it not being his fault. He doesn't always put the blame on me, but most often it isn't his fault.
I also have noticed the issue you mentioned with counseling when I bring up things. I am going to the family sessions they have as part if his alcohol treatment. At our last meeting the counselor asked me how I felt about his drinking and what it does to me. I brought up a couple things in the meeting. He didn't say anything there, but I got a call that night after I got home explaining how I didn't see the issues correctly. He was upset because it made him look bad because I didn't explain it right.
I have not confronted him with my belief that he is an emotional abuser. I would like to bring it up to his counselor to see if he can help in that direction. Is it recommended to confront an abuser with the belief? Is it possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and can change? Does counseling help them?
My husband doesn't show many of the signs from your lists. He may be in the initial stages, but I'm hoping he can get some help and become a better husband and father.
Thanks for your help!
Don't bring it up to him and definitely don't confront him with it.
CL-Blueliner4