Am I guilty of parental alienation?
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| Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:11am |
My dd went to her dads yesterday at noon and by 6:00pm had called me 7 times. The last 2 times she was bawling her eyes out and saying that she missed me and just wanted to come home. I tried to talk to her and explain that it was just one night and she could come home today, but she didn't want to stay there. I heard her dad in the background telling her to hang the f'in phone up. She did but called back within 10 min. screaming and crying so hard that I could barely make out what she was saying...again I heard him in the background and this time he was extremely angry with her. She hung up again, but 15 min. later he was dropping her off.
My stbx does not have any feelings of empathy or such, and can be very frightening to anyone that makes him mad...including our dd. I have always told him that he doesn't have a heart but just a machine that pumps the blood thru his body to keep him alive and breathing.
He has always admitted that he doesn't have the time for kids and me (just time for his job, friends, computer and TV). This man is trying to get soul custody of our dd by using any means possible (lies about me in court to make me look bad) but he doesn't take into consideration that he is only hurting our dd. She has nothing to do over there and noone to play with. Just him and all he wants to do is search the internet. He completely ignores her.
Now he says that I have alienated her from him. Can this be true? I don't feel like I am saying or doing anything differently than I ever did when we were together but could I be doing something unconciously that I am not aware of? It breaks my heart to hear and see the tears streaming down my dd's face when she is with her dad. Could it be that he is the one doing the alienating?
Thanks and any advice would be appreciated!!!

I would document all of this.
Thank you wishful! I know I am a good mom and I know what and how this man is doing to our dd, but he loves to bate me with the one thing in my life that he knows hurts me...I could care less how he feels about me because after all the abuse, there is no love loss here, either!!!! However, it bugs the crap out of me that he uses our dd to hurt me. He is so cold and callous that he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and how it hurts her. She's only 6 yo for crying out loud!!!
I DO document everything (you should see the notebooks of documentation I have on him). My attorney told me to start at the beginning of our relationship and document ALL of the crap he has done throughout our marriage. There is alot of criminal activity as well, but it will come down to he said/she said in court. This man can charm a cobra into kissing him...imagine what he can do to a judge! A lady judge at that!!!
I hope that I can keep it together so they don't think I'm crazy!!! I am still baffled as to how and why I was so stupid to believe his "promises"! But I am not going to beat myself up over it...I did enough of that at the beginning of our split! I can now accept that it's over but, I will never accept that he is so uncaring when it comes to our dd. What a CAD!!!
Someday, our dd will see the light and realize that her dad isn't all he's cracked up to be!!! Will I feel sorry for HIM? Nope!!! My sympathy will always lie with my kids!!!
I will never understand when the courts know someone is
an abuser why they let the abuser be around the children
with out supervision at least until it is proven that the abuser
can appropriately deal with the children
This is my take on this.
It sounds to me that your EX is a very controlling person.
I think he is trying to force a relationship with your dd
In the only way he knows how, and it is only pushing
her away from him. It is sad but he will never see that he
is alienating dd from his self. I know that it is very hard
but you have to be the parent (because he does not know how)
and help your child make the best of her visits with dad as
pleasant for her as she can. Try to talk to your ex about him
getting her something to do while she is there. I know you don’t
want to help HIM but it is not about him it is about your DD
Unless your ex is in trouble with the law on drugs or can be proven
an unfit parent. You have to do what you papers say
as the custodial parent DO NOT be afraid to make a stand when it
comes to your child’s safety or well being
This is only my opinion
Randy
Thanks Randy!!! Because of his controlling attitude and verbal onslaughts I suffer everytime we talk, I have adopted the NO CONTACT rule with him. I have in the past tried to talk to him about our dd but he always turns it around and starts calling me fat f'in cow, dumb bi*%h, and on and on and so forth. He does this in front of our dd and she doesn't deserve this either. He is 48 yo and will never grow up!
Makes me wonder why wives #1, #2, #3 and of course me (wife #4) has left!! He will never change and certainly should never have had 4 children. The 3 older ones are all in trouble with the law and if that doesn't spell out that he's a terrible dad than I don't know what will. You would think that would send up red flags to the courts but Nope!!! they haven't paid any attention to it and he continues to make me out to be a drug addict and alcoholic even though I have passed 3 tests to prove otherwise. He also is now stating that I was the abusive one in the marriage. He is 6'3" tall and I am 5'5" tall. Go figure that I could be abusive. I would indeed react when he would say those hurtful things but who wouldn't? I got soooo tired of being humiliated, controlled, verbally and emotionally abused by him and his 3 kids!!! I AM SO GLAD THAT THEY ARE NO LONGER IN MY DAY TO DAY LIFE!!!!
I tried to get her to stay with him but she didn't want to. He gets so mad at anyone who cries because he can't deal with it. When she was crying so hard he got fed up and brought her home. She got exactly what she wanted because she knows how to work him. She has seen enough of the way he would treat me if I cried so now she doesn't want to be there either. TOO BAD for him! It will come back to bite him in the end.
Gehring, hon, he's playing the blame game, just like every other abuser out there.
CL-Blueliner4
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I know I need to stress the importance of a relationship between them! It's so hard though when I know what goes on over there and how lonely she is...just like I was the whole time stbx and I were together...it will never get better and as far as he thinks, he is the better parent. God he is a sick individual!!!
She has to go back there today and she doesn't want to. She'll call crying again tonight and it hurts so bad. Kind of like when you see them hurt and bleeding and your whole body gets that awful twinge. I hate that feeling!!!
Oh well...it's in the court order and I can't do anything about it. I guess we'll make it through but...there is always the "buts" in situations such as this.
Thanks again!!!
Again, if she is this traumatized by what is going on, you have to make your legal team aware of the situation.
CL-Blueliner4