am i just being dramatic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
am i just being dramatic?
7
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:17pm
i am new to this site but have read a few postings. seems like there is a lot of physical abuse but it has not gotten that bad for me yet. the verbal abuse is so harsh though. i have been married for almost five years now and i knew that i made a mistake when i was at the alter. but who really backs out from there? Or am i the dumb one who didn't? we had been together for about five years, just living together when one day he just decided he wanted to leave. He left me with everything and i had two little boys to explain why we had to move in with a friend and why the man they had known for the last five years had disappeared. My husband is not the father of my boys but he had been in their lives since they were only 2 and 4 years old. Anyways after a very hard few weeks we moved on with our lives and began to live very happy lives, just the three of us. Three months past and then my now husband came back and stupid me i fell for his crap lies. Obviouly we got married, he was so nice to me. little did i know that he had gotten some dumb girl pregnant and the feelings that came with that were not good ones. It has been almost five years and the emotions will not go away. he is at the bar at least four days of the week. When he is out he will not answer his cell phone and when i call him he gets very angry. he calls me all kinds of names and tells me how stupid i am. when i ask him why he ever came back all i get is "i do not know". we have two little girls and i am very afraid to leave because he has told me how hard he will make it for me. i makes very good money and me not so much. i am sure that if i leave he will not be in the kids lives. both of my boys and girls are close to him. i do not want to disrupt their lives but do i let them learn that it is ok to treat people this way. am i just being dramatic? i know that there are others out there who have it so much worse. there is just so many things he has done to me that with the anger, i can not let it go. i had to drive my self to the hospital while i was in labor 12 weeks early because i could not find him. i was so embarrased to call my family and ask them to pick up my other three kids from the hospital because my "husband" was MIA.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 3:52pm

No, you're not being dramatic. Verbal abuse is still abuse, and can hurt a lot worse than physical. My ex never laid a hand on me, neither did my SIL's ex lay a hand on her. They were still abusers.

Contact your local womens' shelter (should be in the Yellow Pages) for tips on how to formulate a safe plan to leave him. They can help you figure out what to do should he become violent or give you a hard time. The sooner you do this, the better- you don't want your children to grow up thinking this is normal! And, do keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 10:17pm
thankyou for the advice, i will take it into consideration. that is a step that i am not sure i am ready to take yet. when he is good to me it is wonderful, it is the times when he is mean that life is so unhappy for me. i don't know, maybe it is my fault for bringing up the subject when he has been out drinking all night. Maybe he is just really hanging out with the guys and it is my issue that i have with trust that is the real problem. i just wish that life could be without so much of the problems that it seems to be over loaded with. everyone i know, or almost everyone i know who has been in a situation like this has been strong enough to walk away without looking back. me, i debate whether i am right or wrong a million times and i always end up with the same answer. if i just stop bothering him about things, there will not be a problem. if i just let him hang out all night long without saying something the next day, then he would not have a reason to be mad at me. maybe i am just being greedy wanting a happy life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:31pm

I promise you that no matter how hard it is to leave, it is much harder to stay like that forever.

Start planning to leave. Save up money, inform your friends/family what is going on in case you need a quick escape.

It can be done if you want to get out. Why do you want to stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 2:52pm
i have thought about it many times. even more so today than anyother day. last night he came home and i was not very happy that he came home at 230am when i still had easter stuff to put out before the kids woke up. i asked him if he could bring the stuff we where hiding in from the truck and he told me to go get it myself. i went outside and brought the stuff in, went back to my room locked the door and went back to sleep. when he finally decided to go to bed he was so mad that the door was locked and when i opened it he through something across the room. i did not see what it was until the morning when there was a pair of scissors sticking out of the wall. i just started crying. he has never actually physically hurt me before and that really scared me.
i do not want to stay with him, i just feel like i am the bad guy leaving. i had to leave my boys dad when they were very young because of this same thing. i feel like it is my fault for choosing these kinds of men. my family would not support me much in leaving my husband because i do not tell them everything that happens. i am a very private person. as for friends, i am always the one that they turn to for help. i never want to be the one who has to ask for the help.
maybe just talking about things will help, not sure what i should or will do. a little scared of what could happen next. i feel like an idiot for debating. shouldn't i know what is right and wrong. i would never treat a person in this way. talk about confused!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 4:16pm
I'm new to this board and couldn't figure out how to post this seperately. Aussie_guapa I wish you so much luck with your situation, I hope you can assist me with mine. I have just begun realizing the relationship I'm in may not be normal. I've been with my fiance for a while now, we have a four month little boy. Things are great, he treats me so well, we laugh, we talk, we argue about dishes or trash on occasion and we resolve it. For the most part, I'm the one with the control in the relationship, I'm the one who works, I dictate what we have for dinner, how the house looks, what we spend money on, etc. However, on a few occasions, things have been very different. As of two nights ago, my brother has been telling me my fiance is going to become abusive, my fiance even had to leave the house because my brother was so mad at him. (My brother lives with us.) You see, two nights ago, me and my fiance got in a stupid fight that I started over something petty. As a result, I told him to go downstairs (we were in bed) and that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him. He refused, so I got up to go downstairs. However, before I could get out of bed, my fiance had me trapped, holding down my forearms and sitting on top of me so I couldn't leave. He was screaming at me, telling me I was crazy and why do I always do this stuff. I finally wrestled free and shoved my engagement ring in his mouth to get him to stop yelling. He spit it at me and then stormed off. Later on that night, I'm awake breastfeeding my son. We resume the fight, I get angry but am being rational, but my fiance starts saying really hurtful things loudly. I asked him not to do this while I was breastfeeding cuz I didn't want to upset the baby. He got even louder so I slapped him. He flew up slammed a pillow down on both me and the baby and stormed off screaming at the top of his lungs. My brother heard all of this. In addition, I told my brother about past times where this same behavior has happened. One that sticks the strongest in my mind was when i was seven months pregnant and we were arguing. I got mad and wanted to leave the house. But I couldn't, he wouldn't let me, it took me more than 20 minutes for me to finally get him to let me leave. This included wrestling, running to the other door, threatening to call the cops, crying on the floor, nothing worked until I finally just bit him. Now in both of these times, he tried to say I was abusive because of the bite/slap when I tried to talk to him about his behavior. But I know my responses are all defensive actions. I don't know if my brother is right because my fiance just doesn't fit the normal billet of an abusive personality, but are these warning signs that he will be? Also, when he punishes our puppy, he is extra aggressive. I've had to point it out to him as well. With my brother's little girl, he gets short with her quickly when she annoys him. And even with the baby when he can't be consoled and my fiance is getting frustrated, he will exclaim sharply in the negative. I just dont' know, can you help me? Has anyone been witness to this behavior leading to abusive behavior?? Please help, I'm so confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 6:51pm
it is hard to hear that he is mean to you even when you are holding your child. who takes care of your son when you are at work? if it was me, there would be a major concern to let someone with so little patients watch my child. what does your brother say when this is happening. can't he help you out a little if he is there?
keep me posted.
today is a very rough day. with every thing that happened this morning. my husband left early with his friend who lives with us to go hang out again with the guys. i have had to lie to my family so that i do not have to be around them. i would rather be alone today then have to pretend i am happy and make up some story of where my husband is. i tend to be a little emotional so it is better to not talk about things. family can always sense when things are not right, i will just avoid all the talk. they are probably upset with me for not being there with them on easter but i hate faking my emotions. i wish i could just run as far away as possible and start a whole new life for me and my children. i just would not know where to begin. i am going to start saving my money so that when i get the courage to do so i will be financially prepared. i have been praying every night that things will fix themselves. obviously, it is not working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:43am

Marriage - nor Love, is NOT your H at a bar 3-4 nites a week. Its i not being called names. It is not being yelled at. It it certainly is NOT having to drive your pregnant self to the hospital!

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