Am I wrong about the kids?
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| Thu, 03-29-2007 - 9:00am |
Ok, I have been staying at my Mom's for a month now. H is still at the house. Still no job, no car. We've talked, we've fought, we've cried. I've been putting up with his drinking, smoking pot and his anger and moodiness for 11 years. I can't take anymore. I've tried to stay w/him for the kids sake. It's just too hard. It's too hard to live like that. You all know that. I've begged him to go to counseling. His own parents have been thru hell with him. They've just about had it with him. His Mom doesn't know what else to do or say. No one can please him.
Ok, my reason for posting....the kids. For the past month I have taken them to see him. I don't leave them with him. We pick up H and go and do something so he can spend time w/them. We go to the library, the playground, the mall, etc. He and I do not fight during these outings. We talk somewhat. Sometimes when it's over and I take him home, he tries to talk to me about all this, but I don't think we need to do that in front of the kids so I cut it short and he gets upset. One week he saw them every day. Another week he only saw them once. It depends on how he is when I talk to him on the phone that day. If he's sounding mean and miserable, I will not go and get him.
He says this is all unfair to him. He is their father. He has the right to see them. I tell him he does see them. I'm the one getting up off my a%% to take them to get him and plan something to do, and I pay for whatever food we get or whatever. He does nothing all day but sit in the house and watch tv and be depressed. Once in awhile he'll go somewhere with one of his friends. He says he misses his kids so bad and what do I expect, him to be in a great happy mood? But I point out that even when the kids and I were living there with him he still was hardly ever happy. He says he can't help it. He's had a miserable life and he says it's not his fault the way he was raised (without ever knowing his real Dad) and I say it's not our fault either. But it's taken out on us and that's not fair. The kids don't ask about him. I don't think they miss him much. They are happy to go and do things with him, yes. And they give him hugs and kisses. I do believe they love him....he's Daddy. But, when I ask if they want to go w/him or stay over night with him, they say no. Not unless I'm going to be there. They've lived with his temper tantrums. They've lived with him screaming in their faces. He uses a pizza board to spank them when they're "bad". Can anyone blame them for not wanting to go with him? I believe he has mental problems. Dd just keeps asking why Daddy is so mean sometimes.
His friends are telling him it's bulls#@* that I won't let him take the kids for a weekend or even a full day by himself. Am I wrong here? I told him I should've called the cops the last time he got in my face and pinned me against the wall. I should've gotten a PFA against him, and then see how much he would've seen the kids. But nope, I tried to deal with him the best I could. He says I just want to stay in control (when did I ever have any???) and keep supervision over him with the kids. No kidding. He's unstable. He has the mood swings and they are scared of him when he's like that. Who wouldn't be?
I don't know what to do here. He's not going to be able to keep the house. He says he will get a job. He says he will get a car and then he will come and get the kids and take them with him for a day or weekend or whatever. He says if I won't let him he'll take me to court and they'll force me to let him take them. It's all about him, him, him. He doesn't think about their feelings at all.
I can't believe the mess this has become. I just wanted to be happy and raise a family. I still miss home, but I know I'll never be able to go back there, except to move the rest of our stuff here. This is all so much.

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First things first, have you filed for custody? Please listen? You're dealing w/ an abuser, you cannot not satisfy him! He will say/do whatever to have you feeling sorry/sympathetic to him. His sad life is his own creation! You're confused about the kids, b/c you're in contact w/ him, they will confuse us. I did it too, tried to have contact, for the kids. It doesn't stop there though! Keep documenting, don't share anything more about the kids other than how their day was (easier put in writing) and share the school work they bring home. I really suggest you file for custody! For all you know, poor little man is documenting the "times" you won't let him see the kids. DON'T share anything about you/your life!
I had a miserable life too, didn't know my Dad, actually had an abusive step-father, towards my mother and myself. I don't use it as an excuse to be abusive. Please try to step back and understand that nothing about the way his life is, should excuse you and the kids from being treated better! Listen to the kids, not him! They don't want to be alone w/ him, maybe they can't express why exactly, but they FEEL something isn't right. Can you limit the time you're willing to spend w/ him for them? I mean he's making no effort to get a job to contribute to caring for the kids he loves so much. Pick one day a week or every other, explain to the kids will see Dad on this day, and they'll have more structure, he'll have less affect on you. You're right on, it's all about him. Now, you can make it all about the kids and you.
I don't mean to make it sound so matter of fact, I recently thought, yet again, I could make it all work by myself. I got sucked back in. I hope you'll try fending him off? It really does give us the space to heal and look forward!
Hang in there!
nhope is dead on with what she told you.
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)
No, I haven't filed for custody. I thought I couldn't do that until we divorced. Is that right?
I know quite a few people actually who never knew their real Dad's and they also say that's no excuse for him to treat the kids and I this way. He does use it as an excuse though. He says if he had a father, maybe he would know how to be one. He can go on and on about it and I have sympathy because I DID have both my parents.
I do feel I need space to heal. But as long as I feel he needs to be supervised w/the kids, I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for your post!
No, I shouldn't care what his friends think. It's just hard, ya know?
But am I going against "the law" by keeping the kids with me and not letting him take them on his own? He makes me feel like I can't be doing this.
I agree with everyone who says no, you're not wrong in not letting him have overnight or alone time with the kids, since he's a total mess and not taking any responsibility for himself.
Also, like many abusers, he acts like a victim. Not having had a father does not excuse his refusal to behave like a good father to your children. Look at how many great dads out there who were raised by single mothers, and who aren't abusive towards anyone. Everyone has almost unlimited choices, regardless of their past.
You have been extremely generous towards him to take all the time you've been taking to ensure your kids have time with their dad, and you've been very responsible by being there to make sure everything is OK for the kids. He should be thanking you, not guilting you.
By the way, once you are divorced and are ready to file for custody, you should try to get a lawyer (if you can't afford one, you might find free representation though legal aid or your local DV shelter). Also, make sure you have documentation of the effort you've been making to ensure contact between the children and their dad. This may be really helpful in proving that as a parent, you are going above and beyond the call of duty in doing the very best for your kids. Most family courts don't like to give full custody to abused women who have a history of limiting the children's time with the abuser, because a lot of abusers are able to downplay the abuse and just make the mother look evil and vindictive. Some courts, even in the case of a severely abused woman, will award full custody to the abuser because they will view him as the "friendly parent" and the abused woman as the "unfriendly parent." Believe me, it's the craziest thing ever, but it's a real problem in a lot of courts. I've been in the very unpleasant position of having to defend my choice not to sit next to my abusive ex-husband at our children's sporting events. I had to explain that after having this man abuse me and rape me during our marriage and threaten and stalk me for years after the divorce, it wasn't in our children's best interest to see us sitting together. Only after a lot of back and forth arguing with the courts, and after submitting an incredible amount of documentation of the abuse was I able to convince the person in charge of the decision that my ex couldn't feel entitled to sit next to me at our kids' events (and in her decision, she wrote that "a post-divorce" friendship of the kind my ex was saying he wanted was not possible in our case. Still, my ex has 50% custody. I'm just saying this to show you that abused women are up against a lot when it comes to child custody.
So try not to let him get to you. You're doing so much more than he deserves already.
And try to get good legal advice and representation.
Take care of yourself, and keep us posted on how things go.
I'll be keeping you and your children in my thoughts.
Thanks for the info!
Check this website, too:
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)
I'm really sorry this discussion is scaring you, but I think that's a common reaction. We went through this with my daughter a couple of years ago. She was afraid to do anything because she didn't want to rile up her son's father. My husband I were more afraid of his impulsiveness and hair-trigger temper. He has unsavory connections in Texas and Chicago, and if he had taken GS and gone to ground with them, we would have had a VERY hard time getting the baby back. Fortunately, he had other things on his mind when the custody was determined, and DD has been scrupulous about following the visitation orders (although sometimes we are very anxious about what goes on when GS is over there--he is still not old enough to tell us clearly about his visits), so bio-dad has not had much to make him upset.
I realize that we've been very lucky--my daughter's abuser has a short attention span and another woman to abuse--but it's important to get things decided legally. Good for you on documenting everything! Even now, my daughter spends a couple of hours every month making sure her documentation is correct and up to date. You never know when it will be needed.
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