Am I wrong and crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Am I wrong and crazy?
11
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 4:52am
This is one of many nights lately that bf has been out gotten drunk and not come home. This is probably one of the longest times he hasn't come home. He left Saturday night after work. He knew I had a fever and was watching our baby the whole day while he worked. He was going to bring me medicine for my fever even though we haven't been on speaking terms (because he has been calling me names and occasionally hitting me). Anyway he sent me a text by mistake saying something about a house party. Then he texted "woops that was meant for my bro". I'm not sure if he purposefully "accidentally" sent this just to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me or not. He is sneaky and manipulative like that. Anyhow he tells me he's off of work by text. He says he's going to "pick up some buddah" from his brother before coming home. Well because of the "accidental" text he sent me about the house party I of course texted you are lying pure stopping by a party. He then says "chill out I'm coming home right after". Of course an hour later I start texting getting upset and he then says "god, you dont let me do anything" and from there he shuts his phone off. That was Saturday night. It is now 4:30 am Monday morning on July 4th. He hasn't come home. He contacted me Sunday afternoon telling me I'm so controlling and untrusting. A few hours later I finally got ahold of him by phone call because I blocked the number. Otherwise he would not have answered my call. He then starts playing victim telling me how he just found out his bf has cancer and might die. I of course do not feel bad for him. I instead say, "is that all you care about? What about me and your son? Have you called to check on us or to let me know you're okay?". He hung up and then texted me again saying do not ever talk to him again and our relationship is over and he can't believe I said that. Again playing victim. Total disregard for what he is putting me through. No concern for the fever I've had for three days... Or if I need help or rest. Anyway a little after that I told him to grow up. He said he wanted to and he is coming home and is bringing some of his friends. I almost crapped my pants. I told him no and if he would like to come home I can't stop him but he isn't bringing his drinking and pothead buddies over after he stayed out 24 whole hours partying. He then said "omg what am I supposed to do with these guys then?". I said, "they aren't your children... They can figure it out for themselves. Your child is here at home."

I haven't heard anything since then. I have called and texted him telling him how irresponsible he is being. I sent him a picture of our son sleeping and said, "this is what you're choosing to leave behind to go party. "

Sad to say I think he might be sleeping with girls as well. I just don't see how sex doesn't go hand in hand with binge drinking partyin and drugs... I'm not a fool.

I feel like he always sets it up so that I react unapprovigly and get upset, so he uses our fight that he created as a reason to stay out. It's fourth of July weekend and he has chosen that over his family... And while I have been sick and feverish! This is one small story of many... Many many. Advice? Thoughts? I think he is an alcoholic and also mentally ill in a way... He just can't seem to handle any stress and he is also very abusI've and cruel. The worst is he always has an excuse, denies things and I end up questioning myself and feeling like I'm the one who is crazy? Or a nag or bitch as he puts it.

H E L P

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 5:00am
Also just the night before he had told me he agrees going out without me especially given his past... Is not okay. Not 24 hours he's doing it again. This has been years of him saying one thing doing another. Then calling me crazy or a nag for pointing it out or bringing up any concern whatsoever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 12:28am

I have a question for you.........why are you with this guy?

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 9:44am

No Jelly, you are NOT wrong and you are NOT crazy.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 3:38pm
Wow - fissatore, you are so out of line. Really - you think it's somehow helpful to ask these types of victim blaming questions and lower these type of almost-sadistic accusations. I'm sure you think it's "tough love" or something, but really - so not appropriate.

Jelly84j - most of us have been there. his behavior is out of line and is very abusive. It's time for you to get out of the situation with your kid(s). Definitely, I've been there - my ex-husband was an alcoholic and an addict and chose when to come home and was always playing martyr. It's time to be strong and do what is really best for you and your kid(s), which is to leave. He's not going to change and the situation will get worse. This is not one of those 50/50 'let's take our chances' sort of things - it's proven and youre on the same path we've all traveled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 5:39pm
Thank you. I guess I have one thing going for me... Btw, this loser came home last night. That's three days gone.

He said by text he was sorry an ashamed and I don't deserve his bs. He said he is going to move.

I think it is just his coward way of not changing or being accountable but it works for me as I don't have to worry that if I leave him he will want to harm me. What I do fear is me trying to gain custody. Hr has threatened me as recently as yesterday when I told him he was a bad father. He said, "you're about to feel the wrath of a menace." and "you are gonna regret putting our son in the middle of this.". He was drunk when he said them but he is super crazy when it comes to our son. He was so defensive when I told him the truth about what kind of father he is being.

I have all these texts saved... The courts wouldn't give him our son like he ignorantly thinks.

I'm baffled and hurt that he really wants to leave the relationship. I can't understand as HE is the one who is wrong. But it's a blessing in disguise and I am going to have to deal with the pain and let this man go. I am an artist and I see a lot of good coming from me despite that I do have serious issues I need to work out. I'm just hoping I can get through this
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 5:48pm
My ex-husband said those things about custody and went so far as to tell me all the ways he would kill me and the judge if I tried to take away his kid. In my case, it was just in trying to get power. He never wanted his son. He was all talk when it came to that. It would disrupt his "lifestyle." Sounds like yours might be the same way, but be cautious. Also, sounds like he's going to the apology phase getting ready to try to woo you and get you to feel sorry for him and take him back. Be firm on this one. Change your locks and take him off the lease. A temp restraining order may be in order too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 10:44pm
He is feeling sorry for himself right now. Telling me that he is sorry and he f****d up. For the first time ever he even said it is really hard for him to admit his flaws and be considerate of others and that he grew up with alcohol etc

True- his dad is a serious loser. The mother works and wears the pants plus does the cleaning cooking and raised her boys. He told me his dad would leave for days when he was growing up and he would watch his mom cry. I have even seen it myself. His dad is a hot mess and still drinks with his friends and has no responsibilities in life. Must be nice. His mom is a serious bitch and very judgmental but she is part to blame for teaching her son this is ok. She has even told me men do what they want. (they're Spanish)

Off subject sorry... So he is feeling pretty bad and he knows he messed up. Even told my bf that happens to be his coworker he messed up really bad. It is a miracle for him to admit fault.

This is a cycle. I don't want to be in it anymore. I've been reading so much and thinking... I just can't ever trust him. I did tell him he needs help. He actually said he would go even if we weren't together anymore.
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 11:30pm

Chances are good that he is full of talk. My ex use to tell me that if we spilt we should spilt the kids and if I didn't agree with that he would fight me for them and win. It worked to scare me but when I did leave we were living in SC. I went to NY and he went back to Florida. When it came time to fight for the children he handed them over to me. When he knew he no longer had any chance with me he walked away from them completely and they have heard nothing from him in four years. I hope your jerk is the same way and just trying to scare you.

He does not want the relationship to end. He acts like he does to make you feel bad. Don't let him have that power over you!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 3:40am
This will be a struggle. Someone said plan my escape quietly. I had thought of that already and I think it's perfect... Because I just started school again and I will most likely have a good job by winter. Our lease is another year. When I get a job I'd like him to move out. I can takeover the rent and my mom would be willing to help me as well. Thank you everyone for the advice. The hardest part will be to stick to it... Not give in. Of course he is already acting like a gentleman (so clearly he KNOWS how he just chooses to act like crap!). Does anyone have any thoughts about the "apology" stage? He texted me saying how sorry he was what can he do to fix it he wants to change and would even get help for himself even if I wasn't with him anymore... Is this a ploy? I feel like he really truly is ashamed. But I know as soon as he starts feeling stressed and bores he will start acting like a jerk again and cause a fight so he can leave! Ugh... Can these people change? He seems like he wants to but I really don't feel that he has it Inside to do ALL the hardwork. I hate that he is so sweet and nice and having off and just asking me if I need anything or being so helpful with things. It pisses me off because he should always treat me like that and I feel like the only reason he is now is to manipulate me.
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 8:29am

chances are good it is a ploy because only 1 or 2% have what it takes to change. It is very hard for an abuser to change and most cant do it. Then some who do change simply find new ways to be abusive. It is sad that we see they can be good but they choose not to. Yes it will be hard to move on but you have survived worse by surving him! Remind yourself that you are stronger then he is because you will do what it takes to have a better life and he wont!! Good luck.

If he really wants to get help he has to do it all on his owna nd not be with you till he gets the help.


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