And now... guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
And now... guilt
10
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:33pm
Grrrr. My H is driving me absolutely batty. I told him a few days ago that I thought we needed to separate sometime in the next couple of months. He's been doing the silent treatment since then, fine with me, and I have just been living life like I am a single parent.

So, the latest thing is he is freaked out and thinks he might have breast cancer. I guess he found some lumps on his chest. It could be true. He smokes about a pack of unfiltered cigarettes a day and cancer runs in his family.

Anyway, he calls me about a week ago and says, "When is a good time for me to go to the doctor." Now, we are down to one vehicle, because he hasn't renewed the registration on his truck and I have refused to do it for him. It was the week before school started for our 2 kids. I said that my schedule was really packed, but that Saturday morning would work OK. So he called back and said he couldn't get in Sat. morning. I said I wasn't sure when would work the following week, I was checking my schedule book, he got pissed and hung up on me.

Fast forward to a few minutes ago. He called again and asked about when would work well. I again said there is lots of stuff going on, but lets check my book. Before I even had it open he started saying how awful I am because I only care about how much this is going inconvenience me. And he hung up again, saying something to the effect of "Fine, we'll just see how long it takes" (... to die was implied.) I called back. Told him that ordinarily I would not bite when he tries to bait and manipulate me like that, but that because it was a health issue I was making an exception. He kept interrupting me. I told him Friday would work best, because I have back to school meetings for each of the kids' classes, special education testing for my 4yo DD, work, and swimming lessons the rest of the week. He promptly said, "Come home now, I am leaving," and slammed down the phone.

What the ....?

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mgnorth
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:04pm
MG,

You go through too much to cater to his needs. Do you have public transportation in your city/town? If he doesn't want to keep his truck legal, let him ride the bus. MY ex husband who will not leave so I'm moving out plays doctor cards on me all the time. Once he had a skin tag removed and he acted like his leg had been amputated. I've had that done and it never hurt me, he just wanted sympathy. I can tell you what.....if I ever find a man who is NOT abusive I doubt I will trust him....I don't think I can ever trust another man. Isn't that awful, but I can't help it.

You sound like you have your ducks in a row. I wish I could be strong, on occasion I am, until I see him diving at me with his foot out hitting me in the face, neck, anywhere. He literally dives at me. I've never fought back, well maybe twice, but I got it worse when I did. I'm scared being bipolar I may do something to end my pain by hurting him the next time he hits me, which will be sometime today after 6. It has been this way for so long, I almost could schedule the beatings. He thinks he is so handsome (he use to be), says he's the best looking 40 anywhere, that people at work love him. Oh....please let one of them take him. =o)

Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: mgnorth
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:21pm

Ignore him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:37am
Aw Tracy...always the sensitive one! Actually I wish I could have come up with something like that when Wendell started on his doctoring because he thought he was going to die. First it was a heart attack, then we went on to a brain tumor...forget what other illnesses there were after that. All I remember that it went on for at least two years. Of course, I didn't do enough, didn't care enough etc. So mg, don't let him make you feel guilty. No matter what you do it will never be enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 8:28am
Hi All !! Your posts just prove how much alike our abusers are, even tho they are totally different people with different backgrounds, jobs and lifestyles. My abuser pulled the old "help me....I'm dying" routine also. It was so far-fetched, it made me laugh! First he showed up at my mother's house flipping thru his stack of doctor's office receipts, telling me about how sick he had been since I left him, how he hadn't eaten in 2 weeks, and how the doctor said he was going to die (he did this all with a very mad expression on his face). Next, it was almost dying in his sleep, etc etc etc. It was all quite comical but at the same time very frustrating because he just wouldn't give up. He even left messages on the phone to say he hoped I had the insurance policy up-to-date. That one REALLY cracked me up !! LOL

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't fall for it......because months later and a new job and girlfriend, he's still very much alive. Gee, I wonder what ever happened to that "life-threatening" disease he said he had??

What H U G E piles of crap they try to feed us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 1:34pm

In real life, I'm not usually a mouthy one unless I'm tired or really, REALLY pissed off.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:46pm
Man, you guys are brutal! ;)

He did make an appointment after hanging up on me the second time. I hope his hypochondriac behavior is again the case this time. I don't know what I would do if he was really sick. I don't want to stay with him. But, God, what kind of a heartless person would I be if I divorced him, leaving him with no insurance, right in the middle of a battle with cancer? Oh, that would just suck beyond belief. Suppose it sounds selfish, as he is my kids' father, but I don't want to take care of him and I don't want to deal with the financial ruin a lengthy illness would force upon me.

UGH! This would just be the icing on the cake. Filth, flarn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:22pm
As one of the other posters said, it IS interesting how many similar things they all seem to do, however dissimilar their backgrounds, etc are. Mine has developed 'heart trouble', albeit heart trouble that has the doc giving him some kind of painkillers/muscle relaxants and sending him back to the office. Also not enough heart trouble to stop him from going to the capital city where we used to live to hang out. NOT.

May be true, may be another tactic to up the ante. If you do leave him, there's always COBRA, where a person losing insurance can maintain it (for a fee) for up to eighteen months, I think.

You're thinking practically--that's good. The timing is suspect, MG--you know that.

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:53pm
One thing that I think is interesting, is not only that they they act a lot alike, but that we do too. I'm not meaning that in a mean way. But almost all of us (me included) have the first response of, "oh, they're hurt, I need to take care of them." instead of "I don't want any living thing to be in pain, but this is not my problem." All of us consider their pain our problem (again, me included). They don't feel that way about us. Our pain is our problem, and our feelings are our problem. And the fact that we don't want what they're dishing out is our problem. But they have pain and we immediately think that it's important that we be at their side. Why do we do that? I think it's because we're loving and good people, but at the same time I wish I was stronger. What do you guys think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:57pm
I do think it is natural for people to feel sympathy for another human who is suffering and to want to help. And I also think that the expectation is that "good people" abide by that. And therein lies the problem, because if they really are ill, then people, even if they know the circumstances of the breakup, will likely think you are cruel and mean for not standing by them. Or at least that is my fear.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 8:23am
MG, Becky is so right in that most of us here ARE very caring, feeling people who do not wish to see others suffer.

Mama Harmony