Anniversary today

Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Anniversary today
1
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 1:55pm

Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary. It's made me a bit thoughtful so I thought I'd post. It's been a couple of months since I really posted much, but I've been thinking about the changes in my life and thought it appropriate.

I've been free 18 months as of next Tuesday. Eric never abused me physically, but the emotional, verbal and psychological abuse were pretty bad over about 11 years. If you've ready Bancroft's book, you'll know what these types mean - Eric is The Demand Man, Mr. Right, The Water Torturer, and The Victim. He also abuses prescription pain pills and smokes a lot of pot. Our divorce was final September 14, 2004, 11 months after filing. Since I've put up boundaries and required that he stick to them - no cussing at me, no coming into my house and berating me, etc. - so now he takes it out at work. He's even had students drop his classes because they felt he was abusing them. But the school just turns a blind eye, even when they get complaints from other teachers. I guess until someone sues, they'll just keep on letting him do his thing.

But this is supposed to be a post of celebration. My life has changed so much over the last 18 months. The girls and I have our own way of doing things now and it works for us - most of the time. Dani will be heading to college next month - she graduated early and is moving in with my parents about an hour away. Hannah is still having behavior problems but most days we're able to deal with them pretty well. I got a promotion to director of my charter school and will get a substantial raise next summer. I have more money left over after paying bills now than I ever had with two incomes with Eric. We eat what we want when we want. We take showers or baths when we want and we can even use up all the hot water. We stay up late and watch girl movies. Kids are in my house all the time now - they actually enjoy coming over and hanging out. I'm not counting change to buy a loaf of bread when the paycheck runs out. And I no longer have someone telling me I'm a fat, lazy, worthless, b****, who doesn't know anything. I have friends of my own who I spend time with when I want. I'm also in graduate school - something Eric never would have allowed.

If you are thinking about leaving, think about this. Is it better to stay in an abusive relationship that you know logically will never change on the off chance that it might? Or is it better to leave the abusive relationship and create a new life for yourself - and kids if you have them - one in which your goals and dreams and happiness come first? For me, I've learned that being on my own and doing things my way is so much better than staying with Eric in the hopes that he would change. As I've looked back over our relationship, I've come to realize that he truly was abusive from the very beginning. And I should have listened to that little voice in my head that was screaming at me to run far, far away. Instead, I spent the last 13 years being belittled and abused to the point where I disappeared and became a shell. I think about all the things I've wanted to do with my life and realized that I would have done them if I hadn't married Eric. Now, I'm almost 40 and trying to play catch up. Yes, I'm doing it. I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do. It's just a little later than usual for me.

If you are currently making plans to leave, make sure that you follow the safety plan on the homepage. But a few words of caution from experience. If you get a post office box, do not send a forward notice to the post office until you are completely out of the house. I didn't think they sent a notice to your old address, but when I put my forward in they did. I even asked the clerk about it and requested that they not, but Eric called a few days later pretty mad because I'd forwarded the girls mail as well as my own. Don't risk it. Just get the PO box and put in the forward order AFTER you leave. Also, until you are out and established, use cash only. Don't get your own bank account. The information on the homepage says to get your own account, but it isn't wise. Any financial account can be located by his attorney during an asset search. If you are using cash only, this won't be a problem. If he fights you financially, your accounts can be frozen until it is settled. If you do get an account, use it minimally and don't keep much money in it.

There are people who will help you whether or not you choose to use a shelter. Don't forget to document everything. And one last thing. If you have children, please know that everything that is happening to you right now is affecting their lives. Not just the present but also their future. You can pretend that they are protected all you want, but I'm here to tell you that you're lying to yourself. All I have to do is look at my girls to know how very true that is. Every single boy that Dani brings home has abusive tendancies - not physically but the same way Eric does. I watch them together and know that she has chosen her dad. Hannah's anger and behavior problems are a huge issue in our house. The more time she spends with her dad, the worse her behavior. Everything I've read shouts that you have a duty to protect your kids - and abuse affects them deeply, whether they directly witness it or not.

I've done a bit of preaching here, and that wasn't my intent when I started. I'm sorry for that. But I can't imagine what my life would be like in 20 years if I hadn't escaped. I want every one of you to know what that freedom feels like. It is more precious than anything - except protecting your kids. Be strong and stay safe.

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 8:27pm

Hi Chreyl,

You made such a right move 18 months ago. It was a hard decision, but the right one. One thing I have learned over the past year is that those idiots will always have followers and they will find enough people to justfiy how geat they are. Whether they fall in our lifetime does not matter. What matter is who they take with thm. Anyway, congrats....there will be many more to come, that I am sure.