another fight

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
another fight
9
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 12:47pm

With the whole arm flailing, scrunched up face, talking to me in a fatherly-orderly tone. This time instead of being scared I decided to mimic him. I did the whole arm flailing too myself during the arguement just so he could see what he looks like. I don't think he will connect the dots though and I admit, not the best move on my part to do. Anyways, now we are on to limited or no talking. I feel each time he comes around me like my blood pressure goes up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 1:06pm

Did he do/say anything to you after you imitated him?

I might have calmly said, "I cannot continue this discussion while you are too heated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 1:20pm

Hi Sienna!!

I'm thinking of next time to say to him that he comes across as intimidating when he does that and asks if he realizes he is being that way. Maybe that will get him thinking and even if he gets even mouths of more then that that will be the last time? What do you think?

There has been a mouse that is able to get into our house and through the walls. I can hear it scratching at the walls. It really freaks me out as you can imagine. This time it was late at night and he was not at home. I was about to go to bed and heard the mouse run through the walls ... I went down the hall and the noise followed me down the hall. Anyway, I called his cell to find out when he'd be home. He was about an hour away. I told him about the mouse and he said there is nothing he can do anymore about it especially since I don't want it trapped.

Anyway, I stayed up at the other end of the house with the tv blaring so I could not hear the mouse. He came home looking all ticked off. I told him in more detail of the noise. That is when he started. Then he told me he's not going to go looking for it and for me to "go to bed" (fatherly orderly tone).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 1:41pm
Hi Bluepen! Yeah sounds like he went overboard! Do you think he felt insecure because he couldn't fix the mouse situation for you?

"I'm thinking of next time to say to him that he comes across as intimidating when he does that and asks if he realizes he is being that way. Maybe that will get him thinking and even if he gets even mouths of more then that that will be the last time? What do you think?"

You could try it, but don't bank on it being the last time. You could say CALMLY, "Do you realize that you are yelling, flailing your arms and talking to me like a an out of control parent?" He can say no or yes or you're making me do it. To which you can say, "This is not an effective way to have a discussion, let's resume this when you have calmed down."

Did you have a parent that yelled at you a lot? I saw on another post that you don't speak with your mother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 2:00pm

I'll give it a try next time and see what happens.

My father was the yeller/intimidator ... you know... get right up in my face and then he'd bang on my bed room door. I was scared for a good part of the time.

Thanks for your help again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 3:16pm

In the book: Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong, she talks about how we subconsciously pick someone like one of our parents in order to get a second chance at correcting our childhood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 4:36pm

Bluepen, I understand that you are freaked out by the mouse, but I have to say that I think you contributed to this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 4:18pm
That's a valid question. If you don't want to set kill traps what your the plan to get rid of the mouse? They do make live traps that don't harm the mouse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:10pm
Yes, I realize all of that. However, he should have controlled himself much better. There is no excuse at all. At the start of the whole mouse problem I did suggest to him to get a no-kill trap. He said he did not want to check it every day and that the mouse would eventually come back to the house. The following day after this argument, he went out and bought a death-trap. I did not say anything, but he kept looking at me just waiting for me to say something. Then he said that he is not going to have a mouse in his house. I don't think he's set the trap yet. Watch, it will be just my luck to see the poor mouse in the death-trap. Also, it really boggles my mind how he thinks that I will want to have sex with him after he's been like this and in the past too with how he gets. I guess he does not put two and two together. Or maybe he thinks he has no problem whatsoever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 9:58pm

I recall a similar scenario with a mouse in the kitchen cabinets!