ANOTHER tactic? PLEASE help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
ANOTHER tactic? PLEASE help?
7
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:35am

My stbx called me last night ...and said that he was going this mornig to see a psychologist ...(after denying it for SO long ,and saying it was my fault ,that he was doing NOTHING WRONG ) he ADMITTED that it was all a game ,that he knew exactly what he was doing all along ,that he was sorry ,and he was trying to get help in hopes that I would take him back(NOT happening)

Is this just another tactic? I knwo that they all DO know what they are doing all along ,but do they usually ADMIT it ?

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:29am

Yes, if you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That", he mentions more than once that abusers are aware of and plan their actions. All the lapes in memory of I didn't say that or you never told me that are lies, 99% of the time they know exactly what was said and what wasn't.

Does counseling = change. Sometimes yes, but he will need to work with someone specialized in DV. It's not about just control and anger. It's a mindset at the core level that causes an abuser to think and behave the way they do and they only way to change that is thru intensive counseling over time. This isn't a quick fix. There is a list on the board website on how to tell if he is changing. That may help you. Keep in mind, most abusers will use this as a ploy of say all is well now, you should come back. If all is well and he truely changes my DV counselors all say that it is a marked change and you will know at the gut level in yourself that he is truely changing for the better. Only 1% ever change though, so keep in mind that he may lose interest once he sees that you aren't just walking back in the door. Part of batterer's intervention also is that he will have to accept responsibility for his actions and agree to participate in the program knowing there is no guarantees from you that you will take him back or forgive him ever.

My ex, the big biker, we only go to church on Christmas if it's not snowing, I don't have a problem, you know I didn't mean it when I told you I would kill you (twice) even resorted to talking to a pastor. He said that the pastor said he needed to stop and think things through before acting and that would solve his anger problems. It's a wonder lightning didn't strike him dead then and there on that one.

Chin up, you're doing fine. The fog and spiderwebs take time to get cleaned out.
-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:24am

YES, this is another tactic. Abusers will go back and forth, nice to mean, admitting to denying again. They will try anything and everything to get you back. To get control of you again. When one tactic stops working they try another.

My abuser has done this countless times. After the scare/threat tactic stops working, they become wolf in sheeps clothing. The overflow with apologies, "yes, it was all my fault." And complements, "thank you for putting up with me." "thank you for loving me and showing me a better way. I want that better relationship. That's all I've ever wanted." I've heard all these statements, too. MANY times I wanted to believe that he FINALLY got it. But really, all he's done is increase his tactic. He's still speaking lies. He says "it was my fault" but he doesn't believe it. He knows that's what you believe and he just wants his foot back in the door. And the minute being nice gives him a foothold, he will turn mean again. AND use the fact that he admitted his abuse as some form of ammunition. "Now I've admitted it, you have to forgive and forget. YOU can't bring it up again. But I'LL still bring up EVERY mistake you've ever made from day one."

Or if we withstand the fake niceness. He'll still turn mean again. He'll feel entitled since he was being "nice for so long."

Great job seeing it as a tactic. I posted an article on "How abusers stage their return" under the "Resources" section (click on "more" if you'd like to read it.)

Abusers will go to a therapyst as a tactic. Mine did. If he's serious, I've always thought good for him. Maybe he could get better and live a better life. "Have a nice life". But if he's not, I'm not waiting around to find out. I'm not holding my breath. I'm moving on. My children and I will have a wonderful, joyful, blessed life that doesn't relly on stbx changing. I've cut the ties, put up personal boundaries. Forgave, but will not forget the new truths that have set me free. Amen.

(can you tell I'm passionate about this area... I'm passionate about withstanding his lies and his tactics. I discover new ones all the time.)

God bless. Keep up the good work.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 3:45pm
Yup. It's another tactic. Mine tried that one too, although his attempt was somewhat marred by the howling temper tantrum he threw when he realized it wasn't working. :P This is why we preach NO CONTACT- if they can't contact you, they can't flip through their nasty little Abuser's Manual going "Let's see, do you suppose Plan #237 would work this time?" Tactic, tactic, tactic.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:14pm

Hey love,
Yup, just as the others have posted..it's just another tactic.The "M.O." of abusers is usually deny,deny,deny. But when they are desperate,they will admit to thier faults. It's not because they are sincere about changing, it's just another ploy to get you back.Good for you for sticking to your decision.You have to be tough, they come at you from all angles.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 5:32pm

Big ol' tactic, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 5:41pm

<<<>>>

Funny you said that bc according to HIM he told him "sounds like she controlled you ,as much as you controlled her " LOL Thats FUNNEEEEE

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:28am

My H's anger management therapist was so snowed by him at one point,H actually came home and accused *ME* of being bi-polar! lmao!! It was so rediculous I couldn't even respond...I just stood there, shaking my head in disbelief. Makes me question the intelligence of the therapist (rolling my eyes).

Serenity