Another topic - why does he DENY that it is abuse..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Another topic - why does he DENY that it is abuse..
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Wed, 07-27-2011 - 6:15pm

Just wondering..why most abusers DENY everything? Is it they are too mentally sick? I had a situation where I had to confront him my reasons for leaving - anger, abusive talk, disrespect, screaming..He TOTALLY denied it happened. There was a time when he wont 100% deny but say it was because I interfered.

But TOTAL denial - is it a brain chemistry their end? Why does this happen. I truly believe he is saying the truth when he DENYs - he just is out of his mind..

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Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

They are not strong enough to admit they need help. They are to weak to admit they are not perfect. There is no reason to confront him because he will never believe it was his fault or he did anything wrong. When my ex pinned me to the ground he pinned me to a toy that left a bruise. In my mind the bruise was his fault since he pinned me to the toy but in his it was the toys fault. They cant/wont admit to any wrong doing so save your breath with trying to get him to see reason because he never will


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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

I guess my question is - are they too weak to admit that it happened? Or do they genuinely forget and have no idea of the things they said or did? Kind of like a mind block..

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Winter, it's several things. First of all, most abusers do not see what they are doing as abuse. It has to do with their sense of "entitlement". Also, that old streak of narcissism that is fairly consistent among abusers - they are NEVER wrong. To admit that they are abusive is to admit that there is something wrong with them, and that just can't be because, in their eyes, they do no wrong. As for them genuinely forgetting - aw heck no.

IMO, trying to get him to "understand" is another case of you bashing your head against a brick wall. They don't "get it" because they don't want to. This is one of the main reasons so few abusers ever change. They truly don't believe there is anything wrong with them. Just live your best life, hon. Trying to get an abuser to admit they are in the wrong is kind of like trying to teach a pig to sing: It makes you look goofy and it pisses off the pig. IN other words, wasted time and energy on your part.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Oh, and I also forgot - he is laboring under a delusion that a HUGE number of people, both abusive and abused, have - that it's not abuse unless someone is physically assaulted. In other words, he never hit you, physically intimidated you, etc., so in his mind, he didn't abuse you. Just another reason why my personal belief is that education about DV is VITAL to ending it. The more you know about it, the more power you have to help stop it or to help others understand that you don't have to be physically assaulted to be abused.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
I totally agree. Big waste of your time and energy to try to figure out the "why"'s of your abuser. I've spent a good deal of time trying to piece that one together and came to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to happen. My first boyfriend came to me nearly ten years later and told me that he was that way because he didn't know any other way to communicate with me, but I think that's a bunch of cr*p. You'll never get a straight answer. Best to just walk away.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

I spent a quite bit of time trying to figure out the denial - not because I want to get back to him or anything but because I was wondering if there was a psychological thing from his childhood that made him genuinely forget it. Then I read this - if he was forgetful, he will forget the other things too about any incident. Why would he remember the parts that are not to do with him? So there is no brain forgetfullness going on here.

You are right. In his mind, it is not abuse. But in one incident we had before I left, he was screaming F* words at me. Now he says nothing of that sort happened and he is surprised I took off. So that was why my initial thread was. I guess it is total denial on his part because he is too weak to admit the truth. As for intimidation, that has been there. As I have always said, it did not get physical as I am too scared and have backed off as soon as he would raise his voice. So he knew he only had to do that to control me. It did get where he would come close to me, or throw things around, so I think I am glad I left before some of those things actually resulted in injuries.

Another thing - how should I get DD to read about all this? She also thinks I overreact..and she has now started to spend some time alone with him..I am scared that she is not going to just keep quiet and "take him on" and then end up getting hurt. Even though on paper I am asking primary custody...the fact of matter is an almost (15 year old) will go whereever she wants on the days she wants..And that is still the nice house with the nice stuff..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I can relate to this because my ex was very verbally and emotionally abusive.. He did throw things and smash walls but he stopped doing that but he continued the control, intimidation and the rest of it.

When I left home I was a mess and ex kept asking me what happened? He decided that I was having a mid life crisis and he went as far as to print out information from the internet about it.. When that didnt work he told me I was going through menopause and that caused me to leave.. When he saw me in court or whatever he would hand me all of these printouts about why I left? I thus threw them into the trash.

He once again told others that I left for another man. Granted I did get into a rebound thing but I left home because i was abused and not for any other reason.

To this day my ex felt that entitlement to do whatever he wanted. It took me years to figure that out. I mean my ex got into so many unethical things that i cant even go into here.. One of the major reasons i needed a divorce. The guy is off his rocker and just does whatever he wants and doesnt give a flying fig who it hurts. Entitlement is the best way to describe these guys along with the narcisstic side.

Mine even yelled at a judge once and treated the police with the most disrespect.. He was even under investigation for something he and his gfriend did to her mom.. I cant even go into it cause its all so sick.

If it were

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I describe my ex as being a psycho path and finally gave up trying to get him to see reason because I know he never will. When the kids and I went to the shelter he tried to make me feel bad and said he'd never made us homeless. I pointed out if he paid child support we wouldnt have ended up there. He claimed before we went in if I let him come home he could save the place. Now I can laugh over stuff like that I hope winter gets to that point quickly and I hope free is already at that point. Healing really starts I think once the things they do start to not get to us

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Registered: 05-20-2009

Of course it's a mental thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

oh; yeah;

I laugh about it all now. Its been so many years and that is why I refer to my ex as a NUT CASE.. When someone now asks me about him and our divorce I just say .. Oh; he had mental problems so we got divorced.

I dont even go into any of it anymore and why bother? That was my other life...

Except when I write on here or someone needs help with dv then i will talk about it but otherwise I dont bother anymore.

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