Another Worried Mom
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| Thu, 06-03-2004 - 3:33pm |
My 22-year-old daughter found "Mr. Right" (27) about seven months months ago. It was a very fast-moving romance; they moved in together within a few weeks and she brought him home to meet us over Thanksgiving (we live 600 miles apart). He was charming and nice, a little self-absorbed, but they seemed happy and well suited for each other, so we were happy for them.
A few weeks ago DD called to say they had both lost their jobs and gotten evicted from their apartment and had no place to go. I still don't know the details, but we welcomed them into our home and vowed to help them however we could. Within a day or two Mr. Right became visibly unhappy and agitated, closing himself in the bedroom for hours on end and refusing to come out or interact with anyone. His moodiness progressed to a verbal confrontation with my daughter, and then an explosive argument between the two of them. He called her viscious, obscene names, told her she had ruined his life and should never have been born, and promised that she was going to be sorry. He marched outside and proceeded to break the tail light on her car, rip the upholstery, and bust our fence post before disappearing into the night. My daughter was worried that he would catch cold in the rain, so she drove around searching the streets for him and eventually brought him back. Next morning he was full of apologies and remorse, but the following day he flipped out again with no apparent provocation. It started with the name calling, insults and accusations, and escalated to physical violence again from there. He cut up all her clothes and shoes with scissors (I was later told this was "okay" because he had bought them for her in the first place), broke her hair dryer and threw it into a tub of Clorox, and burned cigarette holes in her mementos. They made up yet again.
We went to a pizza parlor to celebrate my youngest son's birthday the following evening, and Mr. Right sulked the entire time, finally announced that he hated our town, and demanded that my daughter drive him back to our house. She defended him to us, saying over and over again that their life together was idyllic before the series of unfortunate events that led to the loss of their jobs and home; he's a city boy and can't cope with the boredom of the country; he's stressed out over their situation and wondering what to do next, etc., etc. By this time my husband (DD's stepfather) and I wanted him OUT of our house and our lives, but wanted desperately not to alienate our daughter. She and I talked together upstairs the next night when everything seemed calm and Mr. Right and she were getting along. Suddenly he appeared in the doorway and dropped the cat box on the floor with her remaining, freshly-laundered clothes mixed through the dirty litter. I almost want to laugh now at his absurd, childish behavior, except I know it really isn't funny at all, it's SICK.
During the next argument I coerced him onto a bus back to his parents in New York. He was rude and defiant to me until the end. My daughter raced to the station at the last minute to say goodbye and end their relationship on "good terms," but I guess that gave them an opportunity to make up and plan for her to join him back East in the next few days. He called and left voicemail messages marked "urgent" at every bus layover until he ran out of money, implied that we weren't giving her his messages, and urged her to get her plane ticket immediately. I had begun to wonder if I had imagined how awful the experience was having him here, or if I had over-dramatized it in my mind, but when I heard his voice again I became literally hysterical.
My daughter is intent on moving to New York (across the country) to be with him and start a new life. He's promised her the world and of course she believes him. She truly thinks we've misjudged him, and there's nothing I can do or say to change her mind. She has agreed to talk to a counselor once before she leaves, and I've ordered her some books on domestic violence, which he will probably incinerate once she gets there.
I've tried to plant some seeds for thought in my daughter's head, such as the fact that he not only disrespects her but her parents and family. I've asked her to think about the way he treats and speaks to his own mother, which is badly. I've suggested that in his parents' cultures domestic violence might be looked at and thought of differently than in ours. I've reminded her that we love her more than anything and will always be here for her, no matter what, but that we can't allow him back. For the most part I'm calm on the outside, but I'm a basket case inwardly, and I have periods during the day when I burst out crying and can't stop. She's told me to back off and stop interfering in her life, so that's what I'm trying to do.
I was verbally-emotionally-physically abused by a partner at her same age, 30 years ago, and I promised myself it would never happen to my own child. She is a beautiful, intelligent, independent, strong young woman, and it's killing me to watch her be victimized this way. She thinks her situation is entirely different from mine, but in many ways they are excrutiatingly similar.
On the other hand, COULD I be over-reacting to her situation because of my own experience? Am I projecting my bad outcome onto her? Is it possible her boyfriend really and truly IS Mr. Right and just had a mini-breakdown while visiting us? Do people like him ever spontaneously straighten out and grow up without intensive therapy? I really am confused.
Thank you for being here and giving me the chance to get all this off my chest.

Hi Tofu and welcome -
No over-reacting about ANY of what you just wrote.
CL-Blueliner4
Sounds like we are in the same boat. I'm sorry that you have to be here. I understand what you are feeling, but have no advice as I don't even know what to do in my own situation. Your daughter's BF sounds alot like my daughter's husband, but then they all sound alot alike don't they? My daughter's husband mentally, emotionally and physically abuses her (even over the phone from 800 miles away).
My daughter finally visited this site and wrote a message on the New Beginnings board under my ID with the title "I need some advice. ASAP".
Her husband has a bus ticket waiting for her to go back to him tomorrow (Friday) night.
I'm hoping that lots of people will give her some sound advice before she decides to get on that bus.
Keep in touch and I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers as well.
GrammySmocks
My daughter feels that she has to give this relationship another chance since she's still not convinced her boyfriend's behavior wasn't a one-time reaction to extreme stress. She acknowledges he has a problem with expressing anger but doesn't get that his stress was only a trigger, not the cause. She won't admit or deny that he's ever been physically abusive, and the one physical interaction we observed between them was actually my daughter slapping him. He told me later that it was all he could do to keep from knocking her across the room, but he DOES NOT BELEIVE IN HITTING WOMEN. It's interesting that his manipulative behaviors are coming across the telephone wires again already however; he calls several times a day and questions her if she's not sitting by the phone waiting. He tells her he's lonely and is afraid she'll change her mind about coming - It almost makes ME feel sorry for the guy!
I read her a few posts from the board this morning and could sense her becoming defensive. She doesn't object to my seeking information on her behalf, and she's still willing to read the books I've ordered for her and see a counselor. I've resigned myself to her going back to New York, and I expect there are going to be tough days ahead for all of us as she leaves him and goes back probably over and over again. I intend to be here for her always, but I'm not looking forward to what lies ahead.
We've talked about mapping out an alternate plan, just in case she needs to get out in a hurry. GrammySocks, does your daughter have a safe place to go quickly and money put aside? I don't know anything about NYC, but I'm glad to hear there are lots of resources there. There must be in Texas too.
Take care and God bless,
Tofumommy
Thank you for the kind words and advice to my daughter. Please keep in touch with me. I would never have chosen to be in this position, but it is nice to know that there is someone else out there who knows exactly how much I am hurting.
It looks like she is going to try to get on that bus. She will have to find a ride to Atlanta to do it though. We live 50 miles away and I refuse to put her on a bus to head back to a life of abuse. No one in the family will take her either. So my last hope is that she won't be able to find a ride. And I expect fireworks if she can't find a ride.
GrammySmocks
This is so ironic. My older son (29) decided recently that he's moving to Atlanta, never having visited Georgia before in his life. He's going to fly out there in the next few weeks to look look around.
Can you email me sometime? Meanwhile, I wish I could be a fly on your wall tonight when the fireworks start!
God bless you.