answer quick--he called

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
answer quick--he called
5
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:15pm

He called when I was out tonight. Just today I was feeling so sick over this whole thing. I felt like we never got closure. I would like him to know I am not seeing anyone else. I feel like I should have told him calmly and talked about it instead of breaking up abruptly. Is it possible to get closure??? I don't want to get back with him at all!! However, I feel very bad and guilty about how I handled this and its tearing me apart. Do you think that any kind of closure is possible for me?
Its hard to be "Strong"
P.S. I didn't call him back.

Edited 3/28/2006 11:37 pm ET by strong2006




Edited 3/29/2006 12:45 am ET by strong2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 7:14am

I thought I had closure and I hope I do now. I think with breaking up abuptly, it is the only way to finally go through with starting closure.

I've been torn apart also and can relate to what you mean by feeling guilty and how you handled this. We're in the same. I'm trying to be strong, but when I am alone I find myself guilty and crying. I try to find some sort of support outlet, which is why I am here, well one of the reasons.

Don't feel guilty. I wonder if sometimes it's the feeling sorry for the situation and/or person, when there has indeed been some good times. It's like a loss for both of us, but the guilt is something we have to try to turn around. I feel guilty for the way this ended, but I know if I were to go back again (which I now will not do) I'll have that constant reminder of what i've done - only to be thrown into a psychological circle again of me abandoning or leaving.

Hugz to you and it's nice to know that we all have something in common and going through this is some sort of support, knowing that we are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 7:38am
You certainly can get closure, but probably not the kind you're looking for. You're closure is going to come from accepting that you're dealing with a truly screwed up, disturbed person, realizing that he isn't going to be normal, and letting it go and moving on. Many abusers decide that they are being left because their partner is seeing someone else. This is part of their bizarre denial system in place to be able to see themselves as good and a victim. They do not want to look at themselves and their behavior as having any part of why they have been left. And they aren't going to. This is just the way it is and while millions of people have tried to change this, it doesn't change. It wouldn't matter how you left him, he would still make you the bad guy and himself the good guy. You did the best you could in dealing with him and will do even better by refusing to deal with him and his abuse tactics.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 9:10pm

What Sweetdreams said. Also, I cannot overemphasize this, what is happening to him is NOTHING MORE THAN THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. He chose, yes, chose, to engage in the behaviors he did, and what is going on now is nothing more or less than what would happen to anyone else who did these things.

You are not the "cause" of anything. If you are anything, you are the means by which what's coming to him gets there. It's basic cause-and-effect, if one chooses to act in X manner, then Y will be the inevitable consequence. Abusers aren't too quick to figure that out, but this rule applies to them the same as anyone else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:44pm
antiemm,
It's amazing how similar we feel. That is just more support that they are indeed abusing us and we aren't resposible. I have been reading Patricia Evans book tonight. It seems to help.
Lots of hugs back!
strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:52pm
Sweetdreams and Erin--
What you say makes sense. I just have to keep reading it again because I forget so quickly. This board is a lifesaver! I know that I would be worse off than I am without you all! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my posts. I know I seem needy now but hopefully I will be able to start moving on. I'm still waiting for the crisis center to get back to me.
Gratefullly,
strong


Edited 3/29/2006 11:55 pm ET by strong2006