Any good ways to respond..when verbal abuse occurs..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Any good ways to respond..when verbal abuse occurs..
10
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 12:25pm

When someone is yelling at you about not doing things right, what is best way to respond?

walk away?

stop responding?

justifying/explainations - doesn't work

I know long term is to leave but short term..any ways?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

I truly dont have a good answer for this one. WAY back when we were first married my husband started telling me I did not vacuum correctly and I handed him the vacuum and told him it works just as well for him as it does for me....another time I was not dusting correctly and I handed him the rag and told him he was more than welcome to do it himself...I guess because I "nipped it in the bud" early on I did not have to suffer that particular level of abuse. Needless to say he did create messes and expected me to clean up after him, which I did for many years, but even that I just stopped cleaning. I would clean up after myself and I would clean up after the children but would leave his messes just where he left them...and yes they stayed and we lived in a lot of his filth but I refused to be his "slave" Now that we are living away from him it is amazing how my "lousy cleaning habits" are not as lousy as I thought they were...yes I could be better, but all in all the house is presentable anytime someone comes to the door...not perfect, and probably needs swept or dusted but not as embarrassing as when we lived with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

How do you recognize the signs of verbal abuse before it is too late?

I believe my boyfriend (now ex) loves me.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

I think most women do not recognise the signs of abuse as it is subtle at first and we were brought up to think - if it is not physical, it is not abuse.

A few on/off remarks, a little pinch here and there, possessiveness, temper, controlling behavior..are all red flags. Most abusers are loners, have very less social life or close friends. They get too involved right away.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationship-Red-Flags-You-Shouldnt-Avoid&id=48560

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#signs

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/Why_dont_they_just_leave.pdf

Basically if he acts like a jerk, he is a jerk. Some women like us are very patient and we see the good side and think he can change or must be something we didn't do right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

How to respond depends on what you're trying to accomplish!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Of course nothing works......but you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself while you get READY to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I agree with fiss..

I can tell you what worked for me when my plan was to leave my abusive ex . while I was waiting out the game I literally just agreed with anything that he said.. Yes; It strips away at your soul and self esteem and psyche but I needed to do that in order to get out safely and successfully. I just knew I couldnt do it too long. So I stuffed and stuffed my feelings and I went along with the program and I continued to save money and be the dutiful wife. Some days i would vomit but I kept on going acting all nice and peachy but I knew I was leaving. Only thing is I had to wait for an opportunity and Thank God it came my way..

So try and keep the peace as much as you can and walk away as much as you can. Dont push the envelope as they say which I did at the beginning of the control and all. That of course does not work so I changed tactics.. It almost feels as if its a war and you need to try different tactics and strategies. Try them all and see what works for you I guess.

The other thing I had to do when I left was return almost two years later to get divorced and a settlement. That is when I just took my own room in the marital home and lived my own life. Ex already had a new victim and so it was so much easier for me. It was great. He didnt bother me a bit and it was a good deal for me awaiting the settlement and all.

what I would suggest but dont know if you can do this.. Can you sleep in another room for awhile or separate your life from him a bit or would that make him go over the edge? that is what I did but cant say you should do that. Just throwing out ideas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Yeah I think it depends on what you're wanting to accomplish.

Does agreeing shut him up?

I think towards the end I was just agreeable on everything. I didn't care enough to express anything I would be out of there soon enough. Didn't know when, but I knew I would be. We still had sex - yuck! I felt so empty and used.

When he's yelling, you could whisper back - "I have a headache from your yelling, please whisper to me." Ha, I wonder what that will do! If he continues to yell, whisper, "I have to excuse myself, it's too loud in here. Please whisper or write down your requests."

Not sure what that would do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009

I try walking away

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

There is not a simple answer to this question. It all depends on the person abusing you and how far they will go. Either option can set them off and make it worse. With my ex-husband none of those worked for very long. I would try one way and it may work for a little bit but after awhile they only thing that really worked for any length of time was to give him his way but after awhile I could not do that anymore. He hated to be ignored and that was the quickest way to make things worse. I stood up to him a few times with mixed results. Anyway you deal with an abuser is dangerous because you never know what will set the off and how far they will go. Just have to try and see what works with your abuser till you can get out.


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