any plan on how to leave if child doesnt want to leave..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
any plan on how to leave if child doesnt want to leave..
7
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 8:56pm

ok..I am struggling with this again..and I do beleive I need to leave. Living with a slave driver, catering to his demands of a clean house, doing chores..is wearing me down.

DD doesn't want to leave house. I dont want the house. He likes the house and can afford it. DD doesn't want going back and forth and doesnt like change.

Can anyone suggest any way I can leave in these circumstances? What options do I have..?

The best outcome I see is - leaving myself first and gradually DD will come around..but I have to be prepared for the first few months when she will put me through hell.

Any new ideas..I know I have beaten this dead horse (so to speak)...but wondering if any other ideas can help me jump start this. Thanks.

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Registered: 05-20-2009

Change is a part of life.

sweets35
Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Winter, the answers are the same as they've always been every time you have asked this question. It's up to YOU. YOU have to decide when and how you will go. WE can't make it any easier, softer or force your DD to go with you. YOU have decide how much you're willing to put up with. I can promise you though, that without you there to run interference for her with your and HER abuser, she'll be headed to your place in no time. But, you aren't willing to take that chance. There's nothing new to tell you, hon. Go back and read the responses from the past, you'll find all the same answers there. And yes, she will put you through hell, as long as YOU ALLOW IT. Set boundaries, winter, and stick to them. She's being abused by him, and in turn, SHE is abusing you with her words and actions. Like I said before, hon, grow a backbone and stand up to her. She's a CHILD, you are the ADULT. As long as you don't stick up for yourself and put your plan into action, you are going to be subject to the abuse. It's that simple, winter. The choice is YOURS and the longer you wait, the harder it gets. There are times when the parent has to say "This is not healthy for you, nor is it safe for you, and you may not like it, but you ARE going with me." Remember, YOU are the grown-up here and only YOU can do what needs to be done. Good luck, winter, I know this is hard for you, but "beating a dead horse" endlessly is NOT going to make it any easier for your, nor is there going to be a miraculous, simple, mess-free solution suddenly show up. Sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Leaving an abusive relationship is painful, ALWAYS, so if you're looking for a painless solution to this, I think you're going to be looking forever, hon. And 5 years from now, you'll still be right where you are, for whatever reason your dd uses on you next. JMHO, not trying to be harsh, but realistic. You are driving this bus, and so far it's just been in one big circle. We've given you all sorts of advice, ideas, support and input and so far, you've chosen to completely ignore every bit of it. What more can we do?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

hi cl_harmony, first off alll thanks for the post. I appreciate it, even though it is strong, I can take it. I know everyone means well here. And the frustration is - 'we have given her the tools...but she is not doing anything..'. I have since last few months tried to get the personal courage, get counseling, even stuck it out..I know a lot of us face indecision and indecisiveness..partly it is because of our lack of self confidence, maybe? Or we have been 'beaten' down too much to have any faith in ourselves. I am working on the latter..to get the courage back, to do what needs to be done, to face my fears. Maybe that's what it is - we need to relearn to face our fears..and that's what I am trying so I can take the leap on my own.

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Registered: 01-04-2000

In the Bible, there is a story of the men in a boat and a storm came up. The men woke to find Jesus missing and saw a figure standing on the water. They became frightened because they thought it was an evil spirit. When Jesus reassured them they were safe

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi;

I would like to say something if I may;

I love frustrated's post about God because when I was being abused all I did was pray and pray and pray and ask God to get me out of my situation. It took awhile as God has his own timetable.. I remember at times and this might sound weird I got on my hands and knees and told God to either take me or ex hubby because I would take my own life if I had to live with that crazy man another day.... I also feel I had my Guardian Angels guide me to certain resources and places I would have never been to if not for them... It sort of jump started me on my way out of abuse..... So finally things were ychanging for me. I learned how to study abuse and all paths led me out of it... and I believe it was through God...but then again who would believe this story..

I eventually met a friend who helped me get away and offered me a place to stay and it was in the next State so what are the odds of that happening....I had a chance to stay away and heal for l5 months and it was the best time of my life.

This is nothing compared to Winter but when I left ex my son was still at the marital home and was going to college and working but I left him there in the marital home with ex . the stepfather. I had no idea what was going on but I was in such a fog I didnt I didnt know what I was doing. My ex after awhile asked my son to leave. Atleast ex had the decency to call my sis and just told my son to go and live with my sis.. To this day I never knew what was going on at that time for the 15 months that I wasnt in the house . My son said ex never bothered him and all was okay...I am def. not comparing because my son was much older but still it was scary for me to know that I left

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
That is a powerful, awesome post Kat!
sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

Hi kat - thanks for the wonderful words of advice. I am dealing with some family illness for past few days and havent visited the board much. As of today, I am just at standstill..he has been on the 'good' behavior..I am just going about my stuff.. Just taking a day at a time..Glad to know things are working out for you.