Is anyone away from their abuser but still feeling the effects?
Find a Conversation
|Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:18am|
I may have been on this board before but it may have been a long time ago. So, I'll make a long story short. I was with my abuser for 7 years and the last 14 months of that 7 years, we were married. At that time, I discovered he had a girlfriend and when I confronted him about it, he broke it off (the marriage, relationship, etc.) right on the spot. I knew this man well enough to know that if he wasn't cheating, he would have at least denied it, but he did not. During the time we were together, I was mentally and emotionally abused more than I was physically abused and treated as a possession.
This happened 7 years ago.
It dawned on me a while back that he probably had months to prepare himself (financially and maybe emotionally) to leave me for this other woman. But when the day came, the ending of my relationship and marriage happened to me overnight. And I still struggle with that. Even though, to this day, I am thankful that this woman took this trainwreck from me. I still struggle with one day being a closely guarded possession and the next day being tossed away like garbage. I think that's what hurts the most. That it went from "If you leave me, I'll kill you" to "Get the f**k out and don't come back." How messed up is that?!? This guy was a complete loser yet I couldn't keep him around and make it work. I feel there is something wrong with me. As messed up as that sounds and if he knew I felt this way, he would be happy about it. He would even gloat about it. I know that feeling this way means he wins and he still has that power over me. There are days that I'm over it and days like today, I can't. My brother was talking to me about it today and I burst into tears. I cry everytime it comes up and I talk about it.
I thought by now, I would be over this. But I can't move on emotionally. I don't have the courage to be in another relationship because the person I loved the most was the one that hurt me the most. And on top of that, I don't think my abuser ever loved me at all.
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore and I don't trust my own judgment to not end up in that situation again. I didn't know I was being abused until after it was over. And I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for letting it go on for as long as it did. So does anyone relate to what I'm talking about? Or is this a choice I made because I'm too scared to drop my guard?