Anyone had this experience???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Anyone had this experience???
10
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:22pm

Hi - I've definitely been living in a verbally abusive relationship. He's also broken things in the apartment and pushed me -but never hit me. I've asked him a million times to stop talking to me that way/yelling at me/getting angry/etc. Finally, a month ago, after a major outburst, I told him we're through. I want to separate.

Well-he was SOOO loving and apologetic. blah blah -- Okay we did a little back-and-forth for the past month and finally last night I told him again LEAVE (it's my place) and I've never seen him so distraught. He was crying, begging, pleading, telling me he will do anything and everything to change, that it's all his fault, etc. He keeps saying "Just give me a chance!." I stood my ground and said "It's too late/etc."

Am I a cold hearted wench? I mean could he really change this time? Has anyone been through this and ultimately found out that the change was temporary? I'm just dying inside knowing how much he's hurting today. He even called my mom sobbing his heart out and she's all upset for him now. We're newly married by the way - which is why this is all more disturbing. Any comments, please post or email me at jen_livingston74@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:40pm
first of all im so sorry ur goin thru this ((((hugs)))) anyways ive dealt and am dealing with a similar situation...how long were you broken up/ seperated before he came back? anyways not like that matters...you took him back gave him a second chance, let him fix the things that were wrong and he couldnt...i dont think your being cold or heartless at all...the crying oh poor me plese dont do this to me is a ploy, or so i believe....they think if you keep giving them more chances you will change your mind and just look the other way at their abuse....but your happiness is the important thing and no good marriage was built on abuse and unhappiness.....why would your mom take his side? does she understand what he has been doing to you? anyways even if EVERYONE in the world disagrees with you, its your life and your choice for what to do....just stand strong and dont compromise yourself for his games....and remember there are always women here to help you out
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:57pm

Thanks for replying. I've never actually kicked him out before. In the past, he's broken things (destroyed the door in our apartment by punching it/etc.) and the next day if he promised to change and fixed what he broke or sufficiently apologized, I forgave him. I lived like this through our dating years (3 years), engagement (1 year) and now marriage (6 months).

The incident a month ago was so incredibly bad that I couldn't ignore it. I just couldn't. I don't want to get into the details here but it was very bad. My father thinks I should leave him and never look back. My mother originally thought that and now that he's called her crying, she's caving.

I'm young enough to start over but it is so incredibly hard to kick him out. It's painful. So painful to see him cry and beg. I just don't know if I believe him - that he'll change - and I've lost my faith in him. It's like this curtain lifted and I see his behavior for what it is. I had been denying it up until this month...obviously. I mean I married him. I wish I could get a divine sign - a voice from above that says "This is what you should do..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:21pm
I have had the experience of an abusive bf trying to get me back by crying to my mother. Luckily for me, she was on my side. And I remember how upset I was at his being so manipulative. Because that is what it is. Manipulation. Good for your dad that he sees through it.
You are NOT a cold-hearted wench. You're a smart woman who finally had enough. No matter how many crocodile tears he squeezes out, you've given him so many chances and he has disappointed you time after time.
Stick to your guns. You can do this. You deserve to live life free of abuse.
Good luck!!
--Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:22pm
i knwo what you mean i just wish it was like when i was a kid and my mom would tell me "you'll do this" but thats not how it works...right now im lucky my dh is gone for another 2 weeks so i can figure out what to do before he gets home again....it just hurts i dont want to be seen as a "quitter" after only a year of marriage...especially because it never happened until this past two months when he began his new job...before that he always had a temper but he was never mean to me, especially not like this...i mean i can be a big you know what but this is insane..anyways im sure your mom when it comes down to it would support your decision...when a person is put in the middle its hard for them to see objectively...you just have to remember your in charge of your life and while its hard to accept that you put so much into this for "nothing" you are young and can move on and find TRUE happiness...no need to "settle" because your scared or dont want to be alone, etc etc. anyways if you ever need to talk you can post on here or add me to msn: smokin_hottie_je@hotmail.com or aol:hardforarichgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:14pm

Hi there, I can understand what you're going through. It is very painful to leave/kick him out, and he will cry, beg, apologize, promise to change, etc., etc. You're doing well and staying very strong, but please be very careful to have an escape plan or safety plan though. Because if you stand your ground, he could change from being sad/crying to being very angry/dangerous. I know everyone is different and their situations are different, but my own experience has shown me how much horribly worse things can go from verbally abusive to physically dangerous.

I left my abusive H in August after 12 years of marriage and physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Your story sounds similar to the early part of our marriage, and I **so regret** not doing something early on. My H started with angry outbursts, breaking things, name-calling, controlling, etc. and it only got worse through the years. I'm not saying that your H would turn out the same way, but from my experience and what I've read, this is the typical progression. You also mentioned that he has pushed you -- that is already escalating beyond verbal abuse.

When I was planning to leave, I figured that my H would either go ballistic and try to stalk me, or not even care that I left. But he just fell apart like your H, crying, begging me to come back, apologizing for the first time EVER since I had known him, promising to do whatever it took to change and get me to come back. Since I was so surprised, I agreed to give him another chance, and for a couple of months, he really was saying all the right things and seeming to actually show improvement in some major problem areas like anger. But he wasn't really showing change in his attitude like his entitlement, AND he was actually starting to get angry whenever I didn't totally praise him for all his "improvements." I started getting major bad vibes, then a couple of weeks ago, when I was visiting my parents out of state, he called and screamed at me for not getting in touch with him for 2 days while I was there. I was getting major "deja vu all over again" because checking up on me, screaming curses at me, etc., was so typical throughout our marriage. Then I suggested we do some sort of "reconciliation agreement" before I would agree to move back home, with basic stuff like he would never physically assault me again, etc. He said he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't hurt me again, because "how do I know you won't make me mad enough to hit you?" (I think that was the "divine voice from above" moment for me.) I was in denial about his behavior for YEARS -- I am NOT going back to that life.

Him crying to your mom is scary, manipulative behavior like aviatrix said. Have you told your mom that this isn't the first time the abuse has happened? And you are NOT cold-hearted (my H tried this with me too) -- think of how he has made you suffer all this time! One trait that most abusers have in common is getting you to always think of him and his needs first and to ignore your needs. You have to take care of yourself, and that is exactly what you are doing.

Sorry this has been so long. Check out the "News and Resources" section on this message board for lots and lots of helpful information, especially the book recommendations, "Abusive Relationships: Know the Signs," "Traits of an Abusive Personality," and "How To Tell If He's Changing." Good luck and stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 8:16am

Less than 1% of abusers change, and that's only through extensive DV counseling over a long period of time.

Since there are some new people here at the board, I thought I'd jump in and recommend two books that a lot of us here have read. These books have been extremely helpful! They are Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. These books will help to you understand what's going on in abusive relationships and how to recognize abusive tactics. Patricia Evans has some suggestions, too, on how to respond to verbal abuse.

Abuse escalates over time, and verbal abuse precedes physical abuse.

He's crying because he's thinking about himself, not you. Abusers are selfish, and they take no responsibility for their actions.

Cold-hearted wench? No way! You're a smart and strong woman! You can stay that way by making sure this guy stays gone. The longer you stay with an abusive man, the harder it is to leave, and the more you lose of yourself. They wear you down little by little over time until you're so confused and feel so worthless that you don't know what to do.

Abusive guys will apologize and give you presents and say they're sorry, and then as soon as they have things just the way they want them, they'll start up again with their abusive behavior.

Nobody has a right to yell, threaten, grab, shove, or hit you. Nobody has a right to destroy your possessions. Your home should be your safe place.

He's had enough chances. He's more than proven that he's an abuser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:51am

I am going throught it right now. You are not alone.

I left him about 75 days ago. Went for the no contact line and just went underground. At first, he thought I was just being stubborn and started leaving love notes on my porch. Then he started the creepy emails. Then he took the hurricane as an excuse to make contact, to make sure I ws ok. I told him I was and that he had to leave me alone, we are over. that was about day 45. He said fine. He was not fine. About three days later the voicemails with him sobbing on the phone started. I ignored them. For a couple of days. Then I just couldn't take hearing him bawl on the phone, even though he made me cry almost every day we were together. I broke down and talked to him. He wanted to know why I left. I told him how horrible it was for me, how every time he yelled at me or tried to punish me mentally, how it was killing me. He asked to come back into my life, I said no. More bawling voicemails, another conversation where again I told him how horrible it was for me. I told him I am in DV counseling and now counseling to figure out why I took his crap for so long. He begged for me to go to couples counseling. My DV counselor said absolutely not!!! Couple counseling is to reconcile as a couple, he needs to find his own counseling, to understand why he abuses the significant other in his life. He has admitted he used anger and control tactics on me. He says he is sorry. Last Friday night I broke my big rule and spent the night with him. What was I thinking, it has put me in such a screwed up emotional place. He is out of town until tonight. I have talked to him and told him I don't want him back. He needs help. I am getting my help dealing with the issues of my childhood and figuring out why my past two relationships were abusive. Why I pick men like him. He has his own issues to deal with, his abusiveness, entitlement, anger and double standards. He says he is scared to see a counselor in our town, what if someone sees him??? He says he will do it for me but in my gut I know he won't really work the program and be truthful.

If I had to do this again, I would hold the NO CONTACT rule, let him cry his eyes out alone, because of course no body in his life knows what and abuser he is. I would have remained STRONG, because you know what, at that 60 day mark I WAS strong. In two weeks, I have been reduced to a puddle of mush and have spent the night with him and am torn into peices because I did not hold the no contact line.

I hope this helps you.

S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:37pm
SH3569, please stop torturing yourself. Think of this as an addiction -- sometimes you slip up. Sometimes you have that drink, break your diet, smoke that joint, sleep with that abusive ex.
But that doesn't mean you can't get back on the right path! It's not too late! Please talk to your DV counselor, reread your early posts here.
Take back the strength you know you have. I have faith in you, and I know the other fab ladies on here do too.
All is not lost.
--Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 11:17pm

Hon, don't beat yourself up.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 11:26pm