Anyone there? What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Anyone there? What do you think?
8
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:07am

After I wrote this it made me feel slightly better. I feel that I'm standing up for myself. I can't stand that he will always think this. I know I shouldn't care but I was with him for a long time and I can't help it. Do you think it would be ok to drop this in his mailbox?

There are some things I want you to know. I did NOT break up with you for someone else. I broke up with you because you were hurting me. I have NOT been with anyone else! This is a fact that I swear on. I am NOT dating or involved with anyone and neither do I plan to be. I am NOT addicted to sex. I am NOT a slut or a whore. All of your destruction (over $4,000 according to the insurance company) was for nothing. I can forgive you for that. I accept resposibility for any times that I hurt you during our relationship and am truly sorry. However, I will not accept that I am a slut.
This hurts very much and I am getting help to get through this. I will remember the good times we had together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:29am
strong...I understand you want him to understand and be truthful, but it isn't going to happen. You can send this, but it isn't going to affect him in any way other than to send him the message that he still has a ton of power over you and that the door is still open for communication and the harassment is going to begin anew. This message will make him so HAPPY that he still has this much power over you, which is part of the entire point of all those accusations - to keep you engaged with him denying it, and it will only create a lot more misery for you. He is not intelligent enough to deal with you normally. There's something wrong with him, he is a defective human being incapable of relating to you in a healthy way. I just ask that you reconsider this move. Believe me, strong, I have been on this board for several years, I used to be a CL here, and I work at my local domestic violence shelter, I have seen this over and over and over and over again. On top of that, I have been in an abusive relationship which is what led me to the work I do. It is going to be hurtful for you to reopen communications with him which is exactly what this will do. You won't get the result you want. I know it's hard to accept these things, but to be free of him you're going to have to work on accepting that he thinks you're bad and he's an innocent victim and be able to put yourself first regardless of what he thinks. This is what healthy boundaries are all about. Being able to take care of yourself and follow your own path regardless of what others think. He is one little person out of more than 6 billion on this earth. In the grand scheme of things, he is simply not that important. In time, you will wonder why you spent so much energy on this one lousy person. If you want some guidance on how to learn healthy boundaries, check out books by Melody Beatty and by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud. They are all excellent and can help you start focusing on the things that will get you emotionally healthy and let go of that which is destroying you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:40am
P.S. It can be helpful for you to write letters to him getting ALL your feelings out as well as just writing about your feelings, wants, needs, plans, and goals in general. But it really is best to keep it to yourself. Abusers don't care about how we feel, they only care about themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:25am

I agree 100% with sweetdreams on this one. I know how you feel, strong, I too wanted to "change" his mind about me so that I could end things without the accusations. But I eventually came to realize that is NOT possible. Sweetdreams is right. He will ALWAYS always see you as the bad guy and himself as the victim. His abusive beliefs prevent him from seeing the truth. I also agree that you should write letters but keep them to yourself. Writing my thoughts and feeling down helps me heal. But I know now that it won't make one possitive difference with my abuser.

My abuser would constantly accuse me of seeing someone, or turning my back on Jesus, or being a gold digger... accusation after accusation. Anything to push my buttons and get me to respond to him. But after responding again and again to his accusations and never getting anywhere, I finally learned to "let it go." And I've cut off all contact and I feel great. My mind is starting to get back to normal. Look for validation here, or by reading the books sweetdreams mentioned, or from your friends and family. Your light will shine and you will NOT need him to see the truth for you to feel/get better. Take care,

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:45pm

I am new but unfortuately all of our situations sound alike. Abusers LOVE to manipulate our minds into making US feel like WE are the ones to blame. This jerk has the nerve to damage your personal things -- $4000 worth and wants to blame YOU for it happening? You don't owe him anything. I am going to put it to you from his perspective. If you send that all he is going to say to you is yea right you cheated and you know it. It will be a VICIOUS cycle and he will end up making you feel like you were to blame for what happened and it is your fault your stuff is damaged. These men are cowards to not be able to stand up admit what they have done and change it. Instead they continue to control us by making us to feel as if we are to blame. By making contact with him you let him know that what he did was ok, because you are still trying to talk to him. Don't give him the satisfaction-- you don't owe him a damn thing. I know you are hurt right now, I have problems with my abuser too. We have a son together and were together for a long time and even though he has done horendously terrible things to me, I still check my phone to see if he has called and I still have urges to call him. But that is part of the abuse. I won't call him. He is a sick human being and I feel sorry for him-- another part of the sickness! Please email me and we can keep in touch and help each other through this. I don't want you to go back to him and be hurt even more than what you have been-- things won't ever change I promise. It's going to be hard, but SO worth it!!

Hang in there!
Sondra

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 4:57pm

Oh, hon, it won't do any good. You see, he doesn't CARE how you feel, or that he is telling a pack of lies. In his world, he is right, he is God, he gets to do what he wants, end of story. Getting him to understand will be like trying to get a pig to tap dance, utterly useless. He doesn't WANT to understand. If he was the type who cared about your feelings or understanding you, he wouldn't have done the things he did in the first place.

Now, about what Sweetdreams said. There is something you can do. Write the letters, put everything into them that you want to, but don't send them. Save them, and when you feel ready, burn them. It can be a way to let go of frustrations and say what you want to say without contacting him.

I agree that the only thing contacting him is going to achieve is to let him think he has a way in, and he will start harassing you. I totally understand how hard it is to let this go and to not be able to get through to him, but sadly, that's the nature of abusers- they don't want to be gotten through to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:13pm

Totally agree with the others.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:54pm
Sondra,
If you want to receive e-mails you need to go into board settings and enable the e-mail setting.
strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:01pm
Thank you everybody! You were all so great with your prompt replies. I didn't send the letter. I am trying to journal more though.
strong