To anyone who will listen....(long)
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| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 2:24pm |
I have to get these things off of my chest. I found that posting here helps me sort thru thoughts and to just get them out there. I haven't posted for about a week or so. Stupid me thought that things were getting better and changing (again). He was just so great with me and our son. Very thoughtful and just interested. Here comes Friday and he startes by leaving with his cousin to go shopping for a new outfit. He called a couple of times saying that he was on his way home. Never came. It was around 9pm (he left around 6pm) when he called again and I said that I was getting really angry at him for leaving me at home (AGAIN). I told him that I wasn't staying home anymore and that I was going to my SIL's house to see what she was doing. He said fine and that he would just meet me there. So I got to my SIL's house and started to hang out with her. Before I knew it, it was 12AM!!!!!!!!!!!!! He hadn't even called me or anything. I started getting really really angry but kept my cool. Here at 12:30 he comes strolling in and says NOTHING!!!! NOthing about where he has been for 6 hours, appologizes or anything. I didn't push him on the subject. Anyway I wanted to go home and I fell asleep. He came home that night around 5am in the morning. I was pissed but didn't say anything or acknowledge it.
Saturday he slept basically all day. My girl cousins started to call me to see what I was up to. I had some shopping to do so I asked my H if it would be okay if I went with them. After asking me A million question he finally just said fine. This was around 4pm. He also said that I could leave our son with him. Which I thought was great!! Surprising but great! (later to find out that he left him with his mother) I recieve a phone call from him asking me where i was at and what I was doing. He then said that he and his cousins went out of town!!!!!! I coudlnt' belive it. I started yelling at him and explain to him that what he did was not right. But that didn't go anywhere cause he ended not asnwering his phone anymore. I later found out that they went to this strip where a lot of clubs are. But I know they didnt' go in cause his brother who was with them is a minor. While us girls (me, my cousin and SIL) were shopping my cousin had to go home to get her son. Her car was the only transportation. But I called my H up and asked him where our car was at so that I could stay out and finish shoppping. His reply to me was "I hid the car" At first I was like yea right no you didn't just tell me where it is. He then replied to me, "yes i did, and you know what, you have been out since 4 (it was only 7) and I think that's enought for today so go home!" I couldn't believe it!!! Him and I both have Nextels so I had him on speaker. Which was a huge mistake cause I was so embarassed. Cause both my cousins were there and you could probably imagine all the questions that followed. He texted me and told me where he hid the car, and to get what I needed to get and go home. I didn't reply but saw that he had hid it on a side street that I never would have thought to look!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! He then had the B**** to tell ask me why I didn't say "thank you" By this time I was already begining to feel sick to my stomach and the rage that I had was almost unberable. I ended up just staying at my SIL's house waiting to see when he would show up. He finally came around 12am. Again not much was said between us. Later that night he was pretty drunk. And I refused to go home and wonder all night was he was getting himself into. he was constantly in and out of the house going here and there.
Anyway, the whole thing started when my phone rang. My cousin had called me to see how I was doing. I put her on private not really thinking about it. I guess because my son and my SIl's son were sleeping on the couch right where we were at. Well he comes up into my face and demands my phone. I said no as calmly as possible so that I wouldnb't get him more upset and he wouldn't cause a scene. Well, after him and I were arguing back and forth and I refused to give him the phone. He slapped my arm pretty hard. I was MORTIFIED!!!!! But I still tried to stay calm. Then he started to get really really loud with me. he started into the kitchen and I started after him cause I was not going to let him degrade me like that in front of his brother and his girlfriend!!!! We started arguing and he got so angry that he tried to hit me around my face, but luckily his brother was there trying to seperate us!!! I coudln't take anymore so I walked away which made him even more mad and he screamed out every name to call me. And even said "you are nothing you F**** slut, that's why I made you bleed before" Oh my gosh....I coudn't believe that he had said that. I couldn't take anymore and I just LOST it!!!! I started screaming to him if he was proud to be a woman beater and slap his girl around. And I screamed at his brother saying that this is what he does to me. He degrades me and if I stand up to him he hits me and we end up rolling on the floor. At the same time that I was yelling all of this....I couldn't believe that I had let the whole thing blow up like that. NO ONE ever knew about us. Everyone thinks that we are the perfect couple. (little did they know) After that I went home. He came someitme later that night. When he came home, he said some really really hurtful things about the unborn baby. He said that it's all "her fault" And if I would just have an abortion then things would be better and with that he passed out. I don't remember when I fell asleep.
Sunday moring, I woke up abruptly to him tapping his finger hard against my head saying "if you EVER embarass me again infront of my family...I WILL hit you so HARD that you will not be able to open your mouth again" I said somthing smart, and he then jumped on me and grabbed my cheeks and repeated what he said again. Just this time he called me a name after what he said. I couldn't take anymore and I just found myself totally shrivel up inside. His parents were having a picnic that we were supposed to go to. I did NOT leave the house all day. I couldn't I was just in a daze. And of course he acted like nothing ever happened. He didn't care if I stayed home. So he went and took the baby and I stayed home by myself all day. He called several times and asked what I was doing, if I was with anyone. Stupid questions like that. He even asked me a couple of times why I just couldn't come along and even called me a selfish B**** and said that he felt stupid cause his family was asking for me (which I don't believe cause they dont' care about me). I guess I hit a really bad time in my depression cause I just stayed home staring and watching some tv all day.
For memorial day. He was really trying to kiss butt. He wanted to go to the lake with his cousins. The only reason why I went is becuase I coudln' stand being him anymore and it was a very hot day and we don't have an AC. Ended up getting into a big arguement with him, but tried to enjoy the time with my son. My H was hardly there with me anyway. He was out and about with his cousins, probably looking for girls. Ugh who knows......
My state of mind right now is just whatever. I hate it that he is trying to kiss butt. I hate it. I hate when he says sweet things, I hate when he touches me in a sweet way and i especially hate it when he says i love you. I realized thru this weekend that he just DOES NOT CARE!!! To the point where there is no explanations anymore. Not even one thing is said to make me think good and not the worst....you know what I mean?? He said all these things yesterday that he was going to change and concentrate on his family. I don't remember what other crap he was saying. I dont' even listen anymore. Harldy respond to anything he says either.......I wonder what's next...............?????

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Im sorry elm for all the pain that you are going through with your h. It sounds like he doesn't care or respect you or your child. If he did he wouldn't treat you the way he does. I hope and pray that things will get better for you. I want for you, your son, and unborn child to be happy. I know that I can't tell you to leave because i dont know your circumstances and you may not be ready to. But just keep your head up and be strong. I know you want to hold on and hope that everything does get better but from all the messages that were posted by you it doesnt seem that way. Just be careful with getting into his face because you are still pregnant. alright Best wishes
~simone~
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
Thank you for responding. What you said was actually really nice and I felt like you were trying to understand and not just judge or tell me what to do. Thank you!!! I haven't felt that way in a long time. Understood.
Yes I seem to be holding on to some kind of hope, but I can see that I am loosing hope in making it thru this. H came to me last night and this morning saying how foolish he has been and that he wants to change and make his family his priority. He acknowledges that he has been putting me thru hell. But while he was saying all of this stuff, it kinda went in one ear and out the other. I guess it's just not good enough anymore. I have to see change. Before I would think that he was serious just by saying it, but I see now that just saying it is not enough. I hate this rollercoaster of emotions that I'm goign thru. I mean i'm upset about how he is treating me, but then when I get "used" to it, or put my defense walls up, I am comfortable there. (does that makes sense?) Now that he is talking about changing and how he is wrong, it doesn't settle right with me. I guess i just don't want to put all of this hope in it or think it's going to get better, then fall even harder later. My point is, i'm not that thrilled about him saying that he wants to change (please tell me this makes sense?)Another thing that I have noticed....he hasn't even said he's sorry........
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
When he was saying how he wanted to change and stuff all I could think of was how much he has degraded me. I always tell him whether it's yelling or calmly that he should watch what he says cause you can never take it back. Never worked.
I would love to have a mediator there when we get into it. It won't happen just because he hates when ppl are in our business. I tried counceling but H forbid me to go anymore cause he said that he hated the fact that I was talking about our relationship. I mentioned about both of us going but he just doesn't want to. I just don't think that this whole thing is going to be a quick fix, and even if he does do good for a while....there is so much recentment there from me. And so much more that needs to be address.
Yes I do know what I want out of life, but it's hard to keep focused on it at times. I feel like I have changed alot of what I believed in when I was younger. I always told myself that I would never let a man control my every move and control my feelings. And look where I am. I never thought in a milllion years my life would be like this.
I guess that we all say that starting out that we will never be that girl , never let a man take over our world and its hard sometimes when you love someone so much and you have children. I don't know what to say because he doesnt want people in your business but then again he wants to change. Nothing will ever change quickly things take time, but ask yourself how long will you wait for him to change? I guess that they don't realize what they do until after they do it. Then again maybe he knows he's gone too far and he doesnt know how to change it. Im not sure what else to say the rest of your destiny is up to you. But anytime you need to talk or get some things off your chest let me know. Im not gonna judge you only be there when you need someone to vent to. Believe me I understand. People can sit there and tell you what to do and say oh you need to leave him, but when you are being abused whether is verbally or physically its much more than just picking up and leaving.
-Simone
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
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