To anyone who will listen....(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
To anyone who will listen....(long)
12
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 2:24pm

I have to get these things off of my chest. I found that posting here helps me sort thru thoughts and to just get them out there. I haven't posted for about a week or so. Stupid me thought that things were getting better and changing (again). He was just so great with me and our son. Very thoughtful and just interested. Here comes Friday and he startes by leaving with his cousin to go shopping for a new outfit. He called a couple of times saying that he was on his way home. Never came. It was around 9pm (he left around 6pm) when he called again and I said that I was getting really angry at him for leaving me at home (AGAIN). I told him that I wasn't staying home anymore and that I was going to my SIL's house to see what she was doing. He said fine and that he would just meet me there. So I got to my SIL's house and started to hang out with her. Before I knew it, it was 12AM!!!!!!!!!!!!! He hadn't even called me or anything. I started getting really really angry but kept my cool. Here at 12:30 he comes strolling in and says NOTHING!!!! NOthing about where he has been for 6 hours, appologizes or anything. I didn't push him on the subject. Anyway I wanted to go home and I fell asleep. He came home that night around 5am in the morning. I was pissed but didn't say anything or acknowledge it.

Saturday he slept basically all day. My girl cousins started to call me to see what I was up to. I had some shopping to do so I asked my H if it would be okay if I went with them. After asking me A million question he finally just said fine. This was around 4pm. He also said that I could leave our son with him. Which I thought was great!! Surprising but great! (later to find out that he left him with his mother) I recieve a phone call from him asking me where i was at and what I was doing. He then said that he and his cousins went out of town!!!!!! I coudlnt' belive it. I started yelling at him and explain to him that what he did was not right. But that didn't go anywhere cause he ended not asnwering his phone anymore. I later found out that they went to this strip where a lot of clubs are. But I know they didnt' go in cause his brother who was with them is a minor. While us girls (me, my cousin and SIL) were shopping my cousin had to go home to get her son. Her car was the only transportation. But I called my H up and asked him where our car was at so that I could stay out and finish shoppping. His reply to me was "I hid the car" At first I was like yea right no you didn't just tell me where it is. He then replied to me, "yes i did, and you know what, you have been out since 4 (it was only 7) and I think that's enought for today so go home!" I couldn't believe it!!! Him and I both have Nextels so I had him on speaker. Which was a huge mistake cause I was so embarassed. Cause both my cousins were there and you could probably imagine all the questions that followed. He texted me and told me where he hid the car, and to get what I needed to get and go home. I didn't reply but saw that he had hid it on a side street that I never would have thought to look!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! He then had the B**** to tell ask me why I didn't say "thank you" By this time I was already begining to feel sick to my stomach and the rage that I had was almost unberable. I ended up just staying at my SIL's house waiting to see when he would show up. He finally came around 12am. Again not much was said between us. Later that night he was pretty drunk. And I refused to go home and wonder all night was he was getting himself into. he was constantly in and out of the house going here and there.
Anyway, the whole thing started when my phone rang. My cousin had called me to see how I was doing. I put her on private not really thinking about it. I guess because my son and my SIl's son were sleeping on the couch right where we were at. Well he comes up into my face and demands my phone. I said no as calmly as possible so that I wouldnb't get him more upset and he wouldn't cause a scene. Well, after him and I were arguing back and forth and I refused to give him the phone. He slapped my arm pretty hard. I was MORTIFIED!!!!! But I still tried to stay calm. Then he started to get really really loud with me. he started into the kitchen and I started after him cause I was not going to let him degrade me like that in front of his brother and his girlfriend!!!! We started arguing and he got so angry that he tried to hit me around my face, but luckily his brother was there trying to seperate us!!! I coudln't take anymore so I walked away which made him even more mad and he screamed out every name to call me. And even said "you are nothing you F**** slut, that's why I made you bleed before" Oh my gosh....I coudn't believe that he had said that. I couldn't take anymore and I just LOST it!!!! I started screaming to him if he was proud to be a woman beater and slap his girl around. And I screamed at his brother saying that this is what he does to me. He degrades me and if I stand up to him he hits me and we end up rolling on the floor. At the same time that I was yelling all of this....I couldn't believe that I had let the whole thing blow up like that. NO ONE ever knew about us. Everyone thinks that we are the perfect couple. (little did they know) After that I went home. He came someitme later that night. When he came home, he said some really really hurtful things about the unborn baby. He said that it's all "her fault" And if I would just have an abortion then things would be better and with that he passed out. I don't remember when I fell asleep.

Sunday moring, I woke up abruptly to him tapping his finger hard against my head saying "if you EVER embarass me again infront of my family...I WILL hit you so HARD that you will not be able to open your mouth again" I said somthing smart, and he then jumped on me and grabbed my cheeks and repeated what he said again. Just this time he called me a name after what he said. I couldn't take anymore and I just found myself totally shrivel up inside. His parents were having a picnic that we were supposed to go to. I did NOT leave the house all day. I couldn't I was just in a daze. And of course he acted like nothing ever happened. He didn't care if I stayed home. So he went and took the baby and I stayed home by myself all day. He called several times and asked what I was doing, if I was with anyone. Stupid questions like that. He even asked me a couple of times why I just couldn't come along and even called me a selfish B**** and said that he felt stupid cause his family was asking for me (which I don't believe cause they dont' care about me). I guess I hit a really bad time in my depression cause I just stayed home staring and watching some tv all day.
For memorial day. He was really trying to kiss butt. He wanted to go to the lake with his cousins. The only reason why I went is becuase I coudln' stand being him anymore and it was a very hot day and we don't have an AC. Ended up getting into a big arguement with him, but tried to enjoy the time with my son. My H was hardly there with me anyway. He was out and about with his cousins, probably looking for girls. Ugh who knows......

My state of mind right now is just whatever. I hate it that he is trying to kiss butt. I hate it. I hate when he says sweet things, I hate when he touches me in a sweet way and i especially hate it when he says i love you. I realized thru this weekend that he just DOES NOT CARE!!! To the point where there is no explanations anymore. Not even one thing is said to make me think good and not the worst....you know what I mean?? He said all these things yesterday that he was going to change and concentrate on his family. I don't remember what other crap he was saying. I dont' even listen anymore. Harldy respond to anything he says either.......I wonder what's next...............?????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:18pm
I know its hard because he controls what you do. You dont have to wait on him to cheat for you to leave him. Would you leave him if he's cheated? Has he cheated before. You said that he is out all the time with his cousins drinkin at all times of the night. He could be some other females? Or am I wrong? You know that the abuse has to stop for you guys to keep the family together. Your not a failure if you put your mind to something stick to it and believe. Stay positive even when it feels like you cant go on anymore because your babies are depending on you. We as women are strong and can do anything. We have struggled so much in life to get rights as men, we have bear children and raise them, we have made such an impact on history. You haven't failed at all

Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:27am

Hope you ladies don't mind if I put an oar in . . . .

A lot of women on here have said, "I wish he would cheat on me, so I would have a reason to leave," even though their husbands are abusing them mentally and emotionally all the while, and they have every reason already to get out. I think it's because everyone wants validation for their life choices--nobody wants to be seen as the "bad guy."

From the point of view of the abusers, they are good husbands: they bring home a paycheck, they don't cheat, and the rest of the world thinks they are really great guys. The abused wife thinks, "How can I expect people to see the depths of my despair and understand why I have to get out when all I can tell them is that he calls me a bitch, he tells me I'm stupid and ugly, and he insists that I stay home with the kids all the time?"

Infidelity is a wrong that no one expects a wife to endure (except for the unfaithful spouse, I suppose)--if the abuser cheats, that is a clear signal to the world that the marriage is irreparably broken, and the wife can extract herself with dignity and receive sympathy from those who learn of her situation. Otherwise, she fears she will be looked upon as a self-centered woman who puts her petty complaints above the sanctity of the marital bond.

Does that sound about right?

Pages