Are red flags always red flags?

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are red flags always red flags?
43
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 8:52am

Several years ago I met J on line. Somehow while talking we fell in love. He helped me get though the last couple of years with my x husband. We talked all the time though email and instant messenger. When I left SC and to NY I stopped in to see him and after three years of talking on line we met in person. But that is when things started to go down hill. We didn't talk as much and we disagreed on things when it came to parenting. Nothing major but I would get annoyed with him more then I didn't, most was over the not talking and his drinking. Then we talked about getting married and I was going to move there, he lives in PA and I wouldn't let him move here because he has two little boys. About a year and a half ago I ended things with him because I no longer saw a future for us because I was not moving there while he was drinking.

A few weeks ago my children and I went out of town and stupid me went to see J. When we hugged it felt like home and were I belong. We talked on the way home and I misunderstood him and thought he had stopped drinking but he hadn't. He claims he is working on it now and is going to stop because I finally told him what I thought about the drinking and how it was a main problem. He is also calling me pretty much every day and he sends me a text message almost every morning. But were the flags come if for me is he wants to pick up were we left off. He is also willing to move here and has talked to his x wife and children about this, we have only been talking again for a month. He also asked me to marry him again and was very upset when I told him things are moving to fast. The other flag is he says he doubt I will find anyone who appreciates me as much as he does. I know moving to fast is a flag but for him his feelings never changed for me and he is picking up were we left off but is that possible? He claims he understands why I am thinking we are moving to fast but not so sure I believe that. Also with the appreciate thing that could simply be because I dated someone in the time we didn't talk and and he was a jerk (but now he is being nice and trying to convince me things would be different, did not tell him about J being back in the picture). So are flags always flags?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 9:40am

Hi;

First off I am confused here. You left your abusive ex husband and then got into a cyber relationship and then real life relationship with an alcoholic man? You became a survivor and now you want to go back into another unhealthy relationship? I would say move on from this man quickly. Alcoholism is a form of abuse.

Yes; there are always red flags and when you recognize them you run far away and it seems your gut is telling you something and its serious.

I have a theory .. We are going to always attract bad people into our lives. So either we learn how to recognize it and move on or we are going to become very emotionally and mentally healthy and then we wont attract it into our lives.

Hope you can sort this out.

Take Care

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 5:36pm

Hey Brat!

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 6:09pm

No your not confused. I did go from one relationship to another but it wasn't planned. I wasn't online looking for anything but an escape and playing cards provided that. J and I started talking and one thing lead to another. But I am confused on how alcoholism is a form of abuse. I know some alcoholics can be abusive but how is being an alcoholic an abuse? I thought it was an illness not abuse silly me.

No I don't want to be in another unhealthy relationship and that would be why I told him he had to stop if he wanted to be with me and this wasn't the red flag I am worried about but yes it is a worry for me if he doesn't stop but I have known a few alcoholics who have stopped and that is a bridge I will deal with later for now I am wondering about the other things. I have always wondered if red flags are always bad or if after abuse we see them and if we look for reasons to run.

Harmony. I have done the off line with him before and things were OK other then then distance and drinking and me wondering of the flags I see are really ones to be worried about.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 8:00pm

Hi;

I have read some of your other posts and you have some very good advice because you were married and left an abuser and sounds like you might be going down the road again. Please dont repeat that again...

That being said you have mentioned the alcohol thing alot so that bothers you more than you know. My sis dates and at one point moved in an alcoholic bfriend. The alcohol makes this guy abusive and not saying everyone who is an alcoholic

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 10:37pm

AAAarrrrgghhhhh :smileymad:I was in the middle of my response to you when WO hijacked the puter and posted before I was through replying.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 11:13pm

I had a post typed out and the dang window froze on me. Hoping it will somehow unfreeze but don't see it happening!!! AHHH!!

Only reason I think we could work off line is because we did before but then we stopped talking and things went down hill. The drinking is a huge problem for me but I don't see it as a deal breaker if he can stop. Yes I am worried he won't/can't. Sadly my children love him and want him in their life. They do not see the problem with the drinking that us adults do but I won't let that change my mind that the distance won't change till he stops.

I am confused about the other things that are normally red flags. When he says he doesn't think anyone else will appreciate me the way he does I think that is his way of telling me how much he does and I really wonder if its in the wording sometimes that we see red flags. I have picked up on things from non abuser before and wondered if they realized how they sounded and if I should tell them how I saw it. But then I wonder if only I see it that way because of my past.

When it comes to him rushing nothing he is saying isn't anything we hadn't talked about before but for me it feels to soon because we haven't talked in a year and a half and he has things to work on before we can go any farther.

I think AL A NON is a good idea and I am going to go look for a board for now. I don't see the drinking as a deal breaker if he is willing to do what needs to be done to stop and never start again. For me is was more the other things that are known red flags, the rushing and not find anyone else stuff, that I was wondering if at times it could be in the wording. The drinking does bother me a lot and is the main reason I walked before but it is something that he can fix if he really wants to so for me at this moment that is not the problem and maybe it should be but its not. For me its the tightening in my chest when he talks about getting married that is bugging me the most and the one I need to figure out why and how to deal with it. We talked tonight and talked about it. He apologized for last night but still does not fully get why I need things to slow down and I honestly think most of it does center around the drinking. If he didn't drink I may not be putting the breaks on the way I am because the first thought in my head is I won't say yes while he is drinking. In his mind, according to him, we have wasted enough time and he doesn't want to waste anymore but he has to stop drinking before we can take anymore steps.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 1:38am

You might not have been "looking" for anything........but you RESPONDED to the attention.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 8:24am

why do some here only see the bad in everything? It is sad to me that because he drinks he is being condemed as and abuser I should run from


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 10:52am

I totally agree with Fissatore 100%..

Man; Queen .. You are in a lot of denial about this guy and yes going down the wrong road for sure. But hey ; that is your choice. We make choices and you are making a bad one. Know why?? You have kids.. If it were only you I would say hey go for it.... Be with an alcoholic and mess up your life.. No prisoners taken. Just one; YOU....You are an adult and you can get out of it MAYBE or maybe not..

Your kids are going to suffer through this and it will be on your head if anything happens. Is that what you want for them after an abusive dad?

Trust me alcohol is bad news; alcoholics are bad news and I have a ton of experience in this.Yeah; they can be loving but the alcohol will come first.

Can they change and get sober.. Of course. Is he going to rehab now? Is he doing what he can to get straight or is he just telling you what you want to hear. You now have another guy with bad moral character and dont you wonder how you got there?

I cant imagine after being abused that you want to go down that road again and ruin your life AGAIN for a Man. Makes no sense to me ..when there are some nice great guys out there. You just have to get healthy enough to attract or find them. why would you want to fix another man.. So much work and do you like those type of projects?

Give the guy a chance? I only give someone a chance who is willing to do anything in their power to change and come off drugs or alcohol and not give me lip service.

Is this guy in therapy; rehab; counseling; does he work? is he doing all he can to become a healthy moral upstanding person besides telling you a bunch of crap.

what does his behavior tell you about him and not just talk..

Does he drink still now? What do you know about his drinking?

You say he respects you? Alcoholics dont even respect or love themselves so how can he respect you? Its proven fact.

All you are doing is going from a very abusive ex and justifying that this guy is better than your ex.It just showed itself in a different light. In the end its all the same.. abuse abuse and more abuse.

Good Luck with this one

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 12:01pm

Here's the deal; if you want to date this guy/start over/etc. then do not date him UNTIL HE'S COMPLETED AN AA TYPE PROGRAM AND IS SOBER FOR 1-2 YEARS.

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