Argh...stupid behavior....Part II

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Argh...stupid behavior....Part II
13
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:33pm
Just when I think my h can't act any more moronic....HE DOES. The latest bit is his trying to plan a "family vacation"....despite our having financial troubles. He wants to go to Arizona during Easter break....to the tune of approx. $4k. I was thinking to myself "are you a COMPLETE MORON????". There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about taking a trip someplace warm....esp. at this time of year on the East Coast (when its constantly cold, snowy and the snow is gray/black) but he's serious. In the past, when he had FULL LATITUDE of making big decisions like this, we would usually do what he wanted to do. NOW, I'm saying "No way"....if we have cash to spend, I think of at least a DOZEN better places to put our money.

In the past, whenever I wanted a big purchase of any kind (even not so big) he would pull spreadsheets and "show me" our financial situation, lecture me like a kid about how we can't spend the money on luxury items when we have more legitimate needs that need our attention. After 15 years...I see what he means...NOW he's doing an about face and saying we need to go someplace warm, it will be educational, etc. He's also trying to pull the "well, at least *I* care about the kids" business. He even tried the old "you're so focused on yourself these days" routine too.

More and more I see his childish behaviors....whether its acting like a rebellious kid when we are arguing or using his passive aggressive ways. He's more like a 10 year old then a 43 year old. I see how he was able to twist things around and guilt me into doing things.

Today, after a morning of going around with this...I just left to go to school to do my homework (where I am right now). The worst part is that I feel guilty leaving my kids home with the moron where he'll act like a jerk, esp. to the 15 year old dd. But if I don't leave....I'll never get my work done and I'll get completely frustrated at home...which further saps my energy. Sunday's are one of the few days that are "my own" to hit the library, do my work, visit my Mom, or just take for me.....but yet it comes at some costs.

Gosh, I soooo look forward to the day of being away from him. I just hope and pray that I can muster up the strength to continue to move forward....

thanks...just a vent....

dharma

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:44pm
A huge hug to you Dharma. Why these men are like this and think that they are normal is beyond me. I know you have the strength within you to leave him when you are ready. Hang in there lady.

your friend,

Ree...formerly Orsaria

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:02am

Why does everything have to be THEIR idea?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:23am
OK, I see where he's going with this. At about the same age, DH and I (yes me!) went thru a midlife crisis. We both were dreaming about another cruise (taken 6 already) but we're not quite happy, so he got a new roodster, (yellow BMW) and I got a new WRX. OK, still not happy, we added a 2nd story, and we just bought (upgraded) a bigger boat. Then a year after that, he wanted a PU truck. Still acting childish, nah, I think we've just had enough. But, we're not suffering. The kids are grown.

If you think a trip will get him out of his childish behavior,GO FOR IT. It's better than having a sleezy blond two bit w@ore found at a corner street. As long as he remains married to you, and hey! You only live once.

P.S. If after your trip, and you're not happy about all the money spending bit, then have a sit down one on one w/him and shake some common sense, before you guys end up in the homeless shelter.

I also can understand, if you have financial problems, and he's not making sense, really needs to talk to him. There's NOTHING in Arizona, been there three times, just to buy turqouise jewelry, when he goes for business trip. But for $4K? That's more than our last cruise, hun. It's cheaper going to Hawaii, or Mexico ain't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 6:38am
Dharma,

Just the thought of having to take another vaction with Wendell gives me the creeps. Now he is starting on how you don't care about the kids...give me a break. They never can stand the idea that you might want a life too. They thrive on making you feel guilty about everything. Hang in there.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:56am
ree~

Thanks so much for your kind words. I know I have the strength...that is, I *think* I do...lol. I'll get there someday. You hang in there too! Don't let your mother get to you....my mom is somewhat similar when she claims that "all men are like him" and that he his father was "old school and that is what he learned" and "you'll screw yourself financially if you leave"....I mean...does ANY of that justify his treatment of me? I asked her that point blank and then added "Ma, is that the life you want for me for the next 40 years??? To be demeaned, tore down, berated, held back, held down....that is what you want for me, and in turn, for your granddaughters??" She just turned and looked away. I guess in her day, a woman's happiness meant nothing...the old traditional gender roles and the status of "staying married" for the sake of it. I just can't live like that the rest of my life...and have no intention to....

big hugs to you!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:03am
Blueliner~ you are sooo right that no matter what I do there will be a reason to complain--either I want to go, or I don't want to go, that I'm spending too much money, or that I'm not having a good time or I don't KNOW how to have a good time, or that I'm selfish...on and on.....

The last vacation we took was to the Jersey Shore in 6/02...it was so bad that I swore I would NEVER take another vacation with him, EVER. And we haven't. Funny, because for years I would say that we should take at least one vacation a year as a family...and he always said that we couldn't afford it. NOW, that I've made this vow to never vacation with him again (and he knows this...)all of a sudden he's like "WE HAVE to have at least one vacation a year".....

I tell him "good, go....I would LOVE the week to myself, YOU take the kids" but he won't go unless I do. jerk (lol)

thanks for your words...I know I have it in me...somewhere.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:10am
Terry~Thanks for your words......I feel the same way you do about taking a vacation with the spouse....in fact, I vowed NEVER to do it again after 6/02 (it was such an awful vacation and he just was miserable the entire time and made me miserable in the process). My h HATES the idea of me wanting a life outside of this house, the kids and him and does everything in his power to make try to keep me in my place. Its a constant battle of wills. I know I'll get through this...but gosh, I just wish I was DONE with it...

thanks again,

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:21pm

I have to disagree with your analysis, ilvdana24.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:56pm

Dharma, stick to your guns.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:04pm

I support what Bama is saying.

CL-Blueliner4

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