Ashamed and need help !!
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:09am |
I have not posted for sometime now. Some of you will remember me. For those of you who dont I have to give you a quick sumamry so you all can help me and give me advice. I was in an abusive relationship for like 5 years. I didnt really know untill I started reading about abusive men and started coming here. I have left my ex many times and have gone back many times. I left him again in Nov and have been away from him since then. He went to jail on Dec 7 for a prescription fraud charge. He is getting out in May sometime. I would like to think that I would have stayed away this time but hes in jail and that was the best thing that happened to me. It is forcing me to stay away from him. I have really been trying to get my life back in order. I also have Bipolar and being with him made me worse. I am back into therapy and back on medicine for my BP and Im starting to feel better. Being away from him is so much better. No more drama and no more being afraid and stressed all the time. I never knew what was going to happen from day to day when I was with my ex. His Mom came over the other day to get all of his stuff and I feel so free now. All of his stuff is now out of my place and it feels great. My house just seems so much more peacful with it all gone. My place was really depressing and now it seems brighter. Like when she took his stuff it took all that negative energy with her. I just feel better and I know its because he is out of my life. The only problem is hes not all the way out of my life. He has been writing me letters from jail and I finally caved in and have been writing him back. Even though my inner voice told me not to I still did. Now I wish I didnt because I know its just letting him back in. And when he gets out of jail I know he will be back for me. He gets very crazy and makes threats when he cant get me back. I was an idiot for writing him back. Now Im afraid if I stop writing him he will get furious and when he gets out he will come after me and my friends and family. Which he has done in the past. Mostly threats and harrassment but still I dont want that to happen again. And my family and friends think he is out of my life and if they knew that I did this they would all be done with me. I have put them all through years of hell and they wont do it anymore. What do I do now? I dont know why I started writing him back. He has wrote stuff like he loves me and with him being in jail he has had time to think and he will be different and I know that is all BS. I know he is full of it. And I dont even care if he would change because it wont erase all of the horrible things he has done to me. I will never forgive or forget so it wouldnt matter if he started treating me better. If I write him and tell him I just want to be on my own and dont want to see him when he gets out I know it will drive him crazy and the whole time he is in jail he will be thinking about revenge. What should I do? I dont want him to get back at me when he gets out. Even if I didnt write him back I know he would have tried to get back with me when he got out but with me writing him back it gave him more reason to. It was so stupid. Maybe if I didnt write him he would have given up and would have left me alone I dont know. But now I have messed up and Im so scared of what he will do when he gets out. I dont want to go through this all over again. I am finally starting to get my life back together and doing things for me and I dont want this in my life. I want to be happy and free from all his anger and threats. I need help I dont know what to do. For a little bit I was actually thinking about trying again when he got out to see if he had changed but I know that he wont change. Then I was watching this report on MSNBC about this guy that was abusive and went nuts in MD his name was Joseph Palcyznski did any of you hear about this guy? He had abused all of his gf's and went on a rampage in MD in like 2000. Well I looked him up online too and read the entire story and he reminds me of my ex so much its scarey. He thinks and talks the exact same way as my ex. And I realized that these two men are the same and then I decided no way to trying again and seeing if he has changed. I do believe that oneday my ex will kill someone. I really believe that. This person could be me. Or some other girl he gets with after me. He is nuts! So why dont I stay away? If I feel better and I know I dont want this stuff in my life why do I keep letting him back in? Why do I do this to myself? Im sorry this was so long.
Melysa

Hi, Melysa, and welcome back.
Mama Harmony