Avoiding wrath and how low can you go

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2011
Avoiding wrath and how low can you go
7
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 11:47am

I realized today that, well, let me start over. I wonder how things got to this point. How did I let things get to this point. I find myself lying now about little things just to avoid the wrath of my partner who is extremely verbally abusive. What I want to do today in order to deal with/avoid it is extremely dysfunctional yet functional at the same time.

Recently I got interested in crocheting. (I really want to be able to knit scarves for my sisters by Christmas!) I've been researching techniques and watching a couple vids on crocheting for beginners. This morning I woke up and decided happily that I'm going to go to Michaels and get my materials! I'm really excited about this. All at once though the innocent excitement turned to fear, anxiety and my heart started pounding. I had to sit and ask myself why in the world am I feeling like this, but I knew, it loomed over me. The impending doom. Like dozens of times before, my partner would cut down my idea, tell me I'm wasting my time on something "stupid", yell at me about it, tell me my "logic is flawed" and I could be much better spending my time on (fill in the blank with any random thing he thinks I should focus on ...big life stuff that makes me a "loser" for not putting as priority. Which let me tell you are all B.S.). Yeah it's really that bad. It's like clockwork, anything that makes me happy he tries to devalue it, me, and totally nip it in the bud to get me under his thumb. When he started doing this kind of thing in the beginning I didn't realize how serious it was. I mean I knew it was off, but I'd just put him in his place but it all became really insidious though. Let me say it again, when he started doing this kind of thing in the beginning, I didn't realize how SERIOUS it was. Whew. It was gradual but the effects pretty much the same. Ambiguous in the beginning though b/c he is so manipulative. Do you know what I mean?

An idea popped up in my mind that gave me so much relief! (You'll see how even more screwed up this is...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 12:10pm

wow;

I was married to a man exactly like your hubby. Now we are divorced. I stuck it out for 9 years and been out for six

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 5:40pm

One of the best books I read was Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy...

http://www.abusedwomen.org/index.html

http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2011
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 5:54pm

Thanks for replying freeatlast and nightangel. He and I aren't married, but we live together. I'm working on a plan to leave. Thank you for the book suggestions.

I didn't end up lying about what I was doing. It's called walking on eggshells! And sometimes wild things go through your head as survival tactics. I figured out something else I needed from the store, went to get that and swung by Michael's on the way home. I can't live in constant fear like this. I decided I'm going to do my crocheting and completely ignore him if he starts up his verbal abuse. I'll happily play with my dog and pretend he's not coming across as harsh as he intends to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 12:17am

It does no good to "stand up" to someone like that.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 12:29pm

Your welcome!

Reading your post it reminded me so much of my "Abusive" ex.

I am so glad that you are working on a plan to leave...I read how you have realized you cannot live in constant fear like this.

Like you although we didn't live together I felt the same way.

Constantly walking on egg-shells.

I broke off our engagement and then the relationship altogether.

My heart goes out to you.


Nightangel
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 10:12pm

I know how tempting it is to play their game and attack but it almost killed me when I did so. Up till the last night I lived with my ex-husband I thought standing up to him was a good idea. I actually wanted him to hit me up to the end of that night when he was chocking me. Up till that night I thought if he hit me that would be it because up till that point any time he hit me it was one hit or push and then the mood broke and he was OK. I also needed a mark to get a restraining order. But that night he did not stop at one hit and I thought he was going to kill me. I am telling you this to let you know staying is dangerous because if you stand up to him it could make it worse. If you don't stand up to him he could still get worse and it could be dangerous. Either way things can get out of hand and you are not safe staying there. I know you won't leave till your ready to and I will be the last one to ever judge you for staying since I took so long to leave. But I won't sugar coat things and will tell my story over and over in the hopes of getting someone to leave as quickly as possible.

I am glad you didn't sink to his level and it sucks that you have to hide how excited you are by this and let me tell you when you get away from him and can be as excited as you want to be it feels great. In fact I bet it will be the best feeling you have felt in a very long time!!! That first moment that you are free to feel anything you want will feel so good you will wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

(hugs)


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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 10:29pm

Awesome Post!

You are so right on about how it feels to get out and stay out...

~hugs~

<3

Lorie

Nightangel