Avoiding wrath and how low can you go
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|Sun, 02-20-2011 - 11:47am|
I realized today that, well, let me start over. I wonder how things got to this point. How did I let things get to this point. I find myself lying now about little things just to avoid the wrath of my partner who is extremely verbally abusive. What I want to do today in order to deal with/avoid it is extremely dysfunctional yet functional at the same time.
Recently I got interested in crocheting. (I really want to be able to knit scarves for my sisters by Christmas!) I've been researching techniques and watching a couple vids on crocheting for beginners. This morning I woke up and decided happily that I'm going to go to Michaels and get my materials! I'm really excited about this. All at once though the innocent excitement turned to fear, anxiety and my heart started pounding. I had to sit and ask myself why in the world am I feeling like this, but I knew, it loomed over me. The impending doom. Like dozens of times before, my partner would cut down my idea, tell me I'm wasting my time on something "stupid", yell at me about it, tell me my "logic is flawed" and I could be much better spending my time on (fill in the blank with any random thing he thinks I should focus on ...big life stuff that makes me a "loser" for not putting as priority. Which let me tell you are all B.S.). Yeah it's really that bad. It's like clockwork, anything that makes me happy he tries to devalue it, me, and totally nip it in the bud to get me under his thumb. When he started doing this kind of thing in the beginning I didn't realize how serious it was. I mean I knew it was off, but I'd just put him in his place but it all became really insidious though. Let me say it again, when he started doing this kind of thing in the beginning, I didn't realize how SERIOUS it was. Whew. It was gradual but the effects pretty much the same. Ambiguous in the beginning though b/c he is so manipulative. Do you know what I mean?
An idea popped up in my mind that gave me so much relief! (You'll see how even more screwed up this is...)