Back, but in the same situation....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Back, but in the same situation....
6
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 1:12pm
Its been a while since I've posted on here, close to a year. I have come back from time to time and read a few post. I was doing that today and read 2 that sounded so much like I could have wrote them, then I realized my M is just as bad if not worse then it was a year ago. I am 27, married for 9 years, together 10, with 2 kids. I always said before that I wasnt in a physicaly abusive relationship, just emotional and verbal. But here lately, I've been thinking maybe its getting close to physical, he says its just playing, but with the way he does it and the other things that happen, I wonder if thats not his way of "getting by" with it. Some examples of things he does...most of them start out as him "playing". He will start by tickling me (which he knows i hate, but will hold me down and tickle for 15-20 min at a time) When he holds me down, there have been alot of times that he holds my wrist so tight that they hurt for 2-3 days afterwards or end up with bruises on them. I have had bruises on my knees where he squeezes them so tight trying to "tickle" me. Last week we were watching a show on tv and the guy got hit in the head and ended up with an egg where he was hit. H looked at me and asked if I'd ever had one, when I said no, he said here i'll give you one and hit me on the forearm and i had this huge bump and after it went down a bruise.
About a year ago, we got into a huge fight (he found out I was talking to a guy, nothing but friends, but if I speak to a member of the oppisite sex without him around he immediatly assumes I have something going on with that man)and I almost left. I stood up to him and told him I didnt like the way he talked to me, didnt like the way he wouldnt help with things around the house or the way he didnt do anything with the kids. I gave him specific things he did that I didnt like (to many to get into now) and we both agreed to work on things. Things did get better for a while. But now its almost back to the way it was before. One post I read this morning a woman said that she's scared to go to the bathroom b/c he would call and wonder where she was. OMG does that sound like my husband. I have a 2 year old and if I am changing a diaper or getting him ready for a nap or even if Im using the bathroom and I either cant get to the phone within 3 rings or I dont answer at all, He will get really hateful asking where I was, or what was I doing or Who was I with. If he calls while Im on the phone with someone else (like my mom)the phone will beep and he can tell im on the phone. So if I answer his call or call him back first thing he says is "who were you talking to" when i tell him he'll say "you were talking to your bf werent you" He has a way of doing or saying things and in the end making me feel bad and makes me feel like everything was my fault. For an example, 2 weeks ago I had to go try on dresses for a wedding Im going to be in. After I was done i was telling him about the dress and that it was a strapless. He said, very seriously, I dont think I like that idea. he continued saying that he didnt like the idea of me walking down the aisle with another man and that everybody would be looking at me. I said it was just a wedding, walking or dancing with another man didnt mean anything. At first I thought he was doing his joking like he usually does, but he just kept going on and on, never cracking a smile. No matter what I said he was just getting more and more mad about it. After about 15-20 min of this conversation, I started crying saying I didnt understand why he felt that way, that why did he want me not to be in the wedding, that it didnt mean anything and except for the actual ceremony I would be with him. Then he really got mad and started going off on me saying that I could not take a joke and that he couldnt believe I actually thought that he would get that mad. That from now on he wasnt going to joke with me anymore because I took everything to seriously (not the first time i've heard that either). Then for the rest of the ride home (2hrs) he never said a word to me and if I tried to say something he told me to just sit over there and shut up. So at first I start thinking its all my fault. That I needed to apoligize. Then I started thinking, no he's the one that needs to apoligize, that I didnt do anything wrong. He does things like that all the time. Always makes comments that Im seeing someone else, if I say I love you to him, he responds with a "sure you do" or "your just saying that" very seldom with an I love you too. Even lately hes gotten into making comments that our son is not his (which theres no chance that its not his). If I ever ask him why he says things like that he just goes into the I take everything to seriously and I cant take a joke spill. Well now that I've wrote a book, I'll stop for now. I may be back around venting some more and trying to figure out what I need to do. There are so many more things I could write about what he does, but I'll save that for another day when I need to vent. I dont really have any questions, but any comments i'll listen to. Thanks everyone for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:16pm

Your situation sounds TOO familiar. However, one of the main differences between you and me is that I finally got fed up at the 7.5 year mark, decided that life was wayyyy too short to spend another day, week, month or year being miserably married to my abusive XH and got the heck out of dodge.

So I will ask you the same thing my loving auntie asked me:

If he NEVER changes for the better, and things either stay the same as they are now or continue to grow worse, HOW MUCH LONGER WILL YOU STAY?

A year?
5 years?
10 years?
20 years?

What is your life, happiness, emotional/physical health and well-being worth to you?

I can't tell you to leave, but I know based upon all I went through and based upon all that you wrote, I wouldn't stay and take it not one more day.

Not ONE.
Not ONE.

All the best,
~H

P.S. I did not tell my abusive XH I was leaving, and yes, I quietly went about getting a good divorce atty. who filed and served divorce papers AFTER I left him. He came home one night and found me G-O-N-E. Yes, he tried to get me to come back, but by then I was 3,000 miles away and had made up my mind that I was NEVER going back. It may not be as easy for you since the two of you have children together. But nevertheless, you deserve to be free and happy of him and all his crazymaking abusive ways.

I'm happier now than I ever was when I was married to him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 12:11pm
Thank you for your response. One think I love about this board, is that it makes you realize that your not the only one feeling like this, or your not the only one going through somehting like this. When things started to change, I quit coming here. I thought, Maybe he is really changing this time. But if I would have kept reading and researching the subject, I would have realized it was just another phase. One thing I have done is when I realized things were starting to go back to the same way, I decided I needed to do something with my life, that I needed to do something for me, and find a way to be able to support myself so I could be more able to leave. So I went back to school. Now I am about halfway done with classes and I'm starting to think that once I finish and get a job, that I will have the ability to find a lawyer and figure out a way to finally leave. Im tired of being unhappy, Im tired of fighting, Im tired of watching everything I say and do out of fear. I know its going to be hard, and a long road. But coming here and reading the stories of ladies who have actually done it, and been through it, makes me feel like this is something that I can do too. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:26pm

You're very welcome.

Honestly, IMHO, STAYING in an abusive r'ship is so much harder, esp. when one understands that he or she is being abused!

My three year anniversary of breaking free of my abusive XH is Feb. 28. If I had known that I would've been THIS HAPPY and FREE on this side of divorce, I would've left him a heck of a lot SOONER!! Once I gave up on trying to bend over backwards to please him, keep the peace and be the wife/partner/lover that he wanted, that was very empowering. Then I didn't care anymore and just wanted O-U-T.

And that's exactly what I did.

Hang in there, keep reading, keep researching and keep posting.

Stay strong!

~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:34pm


I just wandered on this board tonight for the first time and read your story. I had to pipe in b/c it brought back some horrible memories of what I went thru with an X-BF. THANK GOD we never married or had children. I actually did get preggo but got an abortion. Honey, he will never change. It will only get worse. Mine was verbal and physical. It started out as light physical abuse like you described, and it just got worse. What you said about the phone? OMG...EXACTLY what I went through. I got a black eye one night because he came home and he had been trying to call. Well my cat knocked the phone off the hook and I didn't realize it. If he would call me and I answered the phone and I sounded like I was a semi good mood, he'd automatically start questioning "why I answered the phone "like that"? There was nothing I could do right. When out in public with him, I had walk with my head down cuz If I looked up and accidentally made eye contact with a guy for more than a second..that meant I wanted to F*** him. I had no friends, and didn't talk to my family for 3 years. I couldn't leave him b/c he always threatened to kill my family or kill me. The only way I got out, was after 6 yrs he got tired of "dating" me and wanted to get married. He knew I wouldn't marry him. So he broke up with me. THANK GOD.

Now I'm married to the most wonderful caring loving man any woman could ask for. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to meet my DH. It's like night/day difference. Sometimes I think back and get so mad that I wasted 6 yrs of my life with that loser. Honey, life is just TOO SHORT to have to deal with this. There are some GREAT men out there and you don't have to put up with this.

Nissy

EDD 12-22-2006

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 2:56pm
Sounds like we could have been talking about the same guy. There have been times where I'd answer the phone saying "hi honey" and sounded up beat, he'd ask why I was so happy, and who i had been with. We have gotten into serveral fights because he said I was "staring" at some guy in the store. Once we were at the mall and I looked over to a store looking at a shirt in the window about the time a guy walked by and he saw me. He immediatly asked what i was looking at and when i said the shirt in the window he said, No i saw you looking at that guy!! I didnt even know a guy had walked by!! I am careful about who i look at or what i look at when we are out together, and there have been times that I get yelled at because he sees some guy looking at me!!
I commend any woman who has the strength to leave an abusvie relationship of any kind. By coming here and seeing it can be done, i am getting that strength up and hopefully one day soon I can have a post telling everyone how I left too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 8:16pm


Yes Yes Yes! God, when I was reading your story, I got teary eyed and just had to respond. That is EXACTLY how he was. I guess all abusers do the same thing. Like when I look back on it now, It was like I was brainwashed and just a complete zombie for 6 years. I still don't know how it happened.

I know it's hard to leave. Especially b/c you are married and you have kids...But you can DO IT. Once you do, you will look back at that period of time in your life and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

Nissy

EDD 12-22-2006

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker