back still having issues....
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-20-2006 - 2:49pm |
Hi, I lurke here and there have not been here in a while. I used to post about a year and a half ago about my ex who verbally and pyshically abused me for 7-8 years of my life. It was so hard for me to end things but I knew I had to if I ever wanted to be happy with my self and with others. He took my selfworth, self-esteem, my whole being. I was completely numb and unaware that what was going on was wrong. I was young neive and very vunerable and the only good out of the relationship that I received was my son who is know 7. He was mostly verbally abusive at first with a very ear peircing tongue that would shread you to pieces. As the years went on so came the pushing, shoving, name calling, threating, punching things, breaking things, screaming, making me feel so low about myself. He cheated numerous times and I would blame myself like there was something wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, did I not give enough of myself, financially, pshyically. I also put the blame on myself and so did he. I was miserable comfortable with my lifestyle. It was all I knew. I was addicted to him and how he treated me. The more he made me feel like crap the more I though I had to do to make up for things. I was addicted to the drama. It would go monthes and monthes at first for him to have the big blow outs then it I noticed less and less time between each one. FInally it was like everyday and he actually started really threating me and I could not take feeling that low all the time about myself and I could not stand seeng my son see his father treat me like that anymore. My son would just sit there and not say anything or even flinch when his father was on rampage or when we were fighting. I just wanted to be loved, unconditionally loved but I never got it.
We broke up and I can tell you I was out of it for monthes. I was so distraught. I even missed him or the idea of him and was even thingking of reconciling and I started seeing him on the side still for about a year. He moved right in with a girl he was cheating on me with and they got pregnant right away. This ripped me apart. I was so upset and hurt that he would move on so quickly and me on the other hand has a life in shambles. But I thought that and I hoped that things would get better with me. I thought they did after a while. I met someone new, I started to care less and less about what he said or did but then he had his baby the other day. My son has a sister and I am feeling al those feelings all over again. I am sad and hurt angry and bitter. I dont know how to control my emotions right know. I started the conciling things again 2 weeks ago so I can help deal with all this. My question is when does it stop? When does the pain and anger go away?

Welcome back, crk.
Hi, my son goes to his father 2 days a week he I normally let him pick it. I always find my self calling him to arrange time with his son and I feel like I have to stick on him to be a father to our son. I am having a hard time understanding that I cant make him be a dad. I still let him talk to me any old way yell at me and I sit on the phone like a dummy and listen to it. Yesterday I even felt bad that I was so cold and bitter to him this week and thought I had to apologize to him. I started to apologize for coming across in that manner than and he said I was jealous of his new girlfriend and daughter and that I ruined his life for 7 years and I chose this not him I did this. I sat there as he berated me and took it all over again. I felt so low so upset but I know I did this to myself and I could have hung up. It is like he still has some control over me. He ruined my life and made me be something who I am not. I was once a carefree happy person and know I dont even know who I am or if I can ever get back to there again.
My new BF thinks I am crazy I know. Maybe I rushed things I dont know. He has any idea of what happened but not all. He thinks that I take my anger out on him from my ex. He thinks I dont treat him right. But I dont know how to love and be loved in the right way. He says I take my past relationship out on him. He thinks I am only dating him to get back at my ex. I push his button, like I am testing him, to see how far I can go before he explodes. I constantly have the thought that he is cheating on me and I cant stop it. I think that he is always angry at me when things are quiet or when he just wants time to himself. He will just sit there and because he is not saying anything I assume he is mad and I start a fight for no reason. I cant help myself. I think my past relationship is ruining the one I have now. I cant get it out of my head that he is not out to hurt me and there does not always have to be drama there. I know I need help. How do you start to love again and to really know what a normal relationship is. Did anyone ever go through this and what did you do? This week has been so hard to deal with because I have been so upset about the new baby and I have been so bitter.
Becoming a strong, confident, assertive person after suffering years of abuse takes a heck of a lot of practice, but you can do it.
First, you have to realize that you can't make him be a good dad. You can't make that guy be anything. Second, limit your conversations with him to arrangements for your son. If a conversation veers away from that, end it then & there. If you're on the phone, and he gets abusive, simply hang up. Try it! It feels really, really good to hang up on an abusive jerk. Try it once, and it'll be easier the second time.
If you're talking to him in person, and he gets abusive, walk away.
You're not obligated to listen to a thing he has to say at this point. He has no power over you unless you listen to him.
How soon did you get involved with your current boyfriend after leaving your abusive ex? Sometimes we jump into another relationship before we're ready. Are you seeing a counselor trained in counseling victims of abuse? If you're feeling this insecure in your current relationship, chances are you aren't ready to be in one yet.
If you haven't read these three books, I highly recommend that you do: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out also by Patricia Evans.
The pain and anger go away in time, but the key to making it all go away quicker is to learn as much as you can about abuse and to work with a good counselor.