back, yet again
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:01pm |
Hey there. Many new names. Few that I recognize. Looking for a bit of something. It's difficult for me to get to the board now. I used to be able to get to it from work, not anymore.
Anyway, I was lurking. Seems I must be looking for something. Yet again. I'll try to give a brief "history". Married 25 years. 3 kids, 1 grandson. My first post was here on this board Sept 2002. I had 'lurked' for awhile before posting. I don't remember what brought me to this board. I had never done anything like this before. Probably feared H would find out. My marriage is not physically abusive. And, I question if it is abusive or not even still. But I will say - that in the beginning it was. Definitely. Now, perhaps, after this long, he has brainwashed me enough so that I am now living in HIS reality and don't see him as emotionally abusive. I do see him as emotionally immature. Insecure. Jealous. Boring. Dull. And very much in need of someone else to feel "less" than him so that HE doesn't feel bad about himself. That someone - is me.
And there in lies my problem. I guess. Or perhaps just one of my problems. I can't seem to bring myself to let him know MY feelings. I do believe I am emotionally totally withdrawn from him. I mean, if he came to me tomorrow and said he was leaving, I'd help him pack!! Oh, except that might make him feel bad knowing I was glad that he was leaving, so I'd pretend to be somewhat saddened, but I WOULD NOT try to talk him out of it. I'd ENCOURAGE him in a gentle way. But as soon as the door closed behind him - I'd be DANCING!!!
Ok, enough dreaming - sorry. Slockhart - I wonder if you'll read this. Something in one of your replies struck me. You decided you were in an abusive relationship in 1998 and didn't get out until 2004. THAT, my dear, makes me feel so much better. Lets see, I decided I wasn't happy in my marriage in 2002 and it is now 2005, so if it takes me another 3 years to get out, well, it's taken others that long as well. I freqently feel like I'm just one to complain. That maybe I don't really WANT to get out. That maybe I like the "drama". But there isn't any drama - only my complaints. My day to day life is quiet. There are frequently times when H does or says something and it bothers me. But he doesn't call me names or put me down. He has never been physical with me.
It all comes down to HIS low self esteem keeps me firmly planted. Now, maybe I'm not giving him enough credit - maybe I'm being very co-dependent. I "protect" him. I give him a safe place. Perhaps if I could just figure out how to not protect him, I don't know. Any way I'm rambling and this got long. I must need to vent about something someplace that I feel safe.
Slockhart - what pushed you over the edge? Anyone - how do I find the strength or courage or whatever to start letting my H know - this isn't going to work for me anymore? I really feel the need to start letting him know that I'm not happy. And it is because he has suffocated me, isolated me, kept me and he is SO far embedded inside my brain, that I fear going to the bathroom because he might call and I won't answer the phone and he'll wonder where I am - oh, how sad is that??? But how do I stop that train of thought? And let him know??
thanks - if your still reading!!
ples

Hi Ples,
First, I just wanna say that if you all get tired of me voicing my opinion on everything today, please let me know! The death threats I've gotten recently have kept me at the board for comfort the last couple of days.
Ples, what's the worst possible thing that could happen if you told him how you feel? Could it be that his response might force you into action of some kind, maybe something you don't feel ready for? But then, I don't think any of us really feel ready for big changes. It gets me thinking of Newton's First Law of Motion, the Law of Inertia of objects at rest: "that every object remains at rest unless acted on by a force."
I've been where you are now, and it was no fun. I spent years like that, too. It can take a while to get out, especially if there's nothing particularly bad that you can put your finger on. But maybe it's time to test the waters?
How to find the courage to tell him how you feel? You've just gotta do it. It's like ripping off a bandaid.
Hi ples,
I've lurked here for quite some time, I usually post on the "new beginnings" board. But since I've taken my abusive X back, I think this board is more appropriate for my situation. I read your post, and your situation so closely resembles my own.My husband is not physically abusive either,has never hit me or even really called me names.But he is emotionally abusive and it took me a long time to realize this.
"And it is because he has suffocated me, isolated me, kept me and he is SO far embedded inside my brain, that I fear going to the bathroom because he might call and I won't answer the phone and he'll wonder where I am - oh, how sad is that???"
This is exactly what I go through every day of my life. This is CONTROL. And it is a form of abuse. I've endured it for so long that I've almost completely lost any sense of who I am or used to be. I no longer have a life, it belongs to him.And that's the way they want it.They condition you so that you feel afraid of voicing your feelings.And I'm guessing that when you try to talk to someone about it, or get help, you feel silly because he's never actually hit you or threatened you. Alot of people don't see this as abuse, but then again they've never had to deal with it.This board will help you greatly,the people here are familiar with all types of abuse and can offer some great advice.
"But how do I stop that train of thought? And let him know??"
It sounds like you're ready to change things, or else you wouldnt be here. I think you just have to ask yourself, "Is this the way I want my life to be?" then go from there. Remember that you deserve to live a happy abuse-free life.
Best of luck to you,
Serenity
I can totally relate to your story about going to the bathroom, missing his call, then worrying about how you are going to explain yourself. Trust me, I've been down that road, too.
What pushed me over the edge??? That's a very good question. The last time my husband and I were together was Nov. 2004 (election night). That night he was insane (probably high on drugs), he was talking smack and I was ignoring him. Very calming I was saying, "okay" to almost everything he was ranting about (just as suggested in Patricia Evans book). Until he said, he was going to have to find another girl to talk to him and I replied with "okay, then I'll find another man who will stay home with me." (example of how dangerous it can be to assert myself. it is much safer just to leave.) Obviously, he didn't like me asserting my boundaries and he came at me and slapped me. Wow. What a shocker. Fortunately for me, the neighbors heard the yelling and the slap and called the police. And when the police came, I told them exactly what happenned. I feel fortunate that the neighbors called because who knows how long that night would have lasted or what could have happened. But the slap was undeniable abuse. He couldn't talk his way out of that... I didn't slap his hand with my face...know what I mean. All the other incidents were subtle enough that I fell for his story about it being my fault. It took going through the cycle several times before I saw it as a cycle. But I FINALLY saw the cycle of abuse for what it was... FINALLY, came to believe that God wanted more of a life for me and for my children. We didn't have to stay in that situation. God had another plan for me!!!!
Nuture YOUR spirit. God has a plan and purpose for your life, too. There are resources in the community that can help you get away before anything else happens. For me, I went into a shelter, got into a couple state programs, got financial help from so many places... things just started coming together after I made a commitment to break free. I stopped all communication with my abuser (which was easy after he was in jail but harder once he got out.) And I remind myself...like I'm doing now.... of what my bottom looked like and why I don't want to go back there.... I must keep moving on. You can do it. You are not alone. Thank God for this board and other support groups. The lie and secrets of abuse will be exposed and brought into the light. And you will recieve healing for your soul. In Jesus name.
Take care... Love,
Loonybunny
Hi. I mainly lurk here but have posted a couple of times. Your post struck me because just about everything you said sounds exactly like my marriage. For example you said:
"And it is because he has suffocated me, isolated me, kept me and he is SO far embedded inside my brain, that I fear going to the bathroom because he might call and I won't answer the phone and he'll wonder where I am - oh, how sad is that???"
I feel exactly the same way. And one of the sad things about that, the fact that you think about him constantly and adjust your responses to situations based on his possible reactions so that he is always in your head - he doesn't even realize. He's probably accused you of not caring about him enough, not thinking of him enough, not showing him enough affection - when that's all you've probably tried to do. The embed themselves so deeply in our brains that it becomes impossible NOT to think of them constantly and they still want more. Nothing is ever enough. So, even though I've only been with my H for 10 years (married 5) I am trying to prepare myself to leave. I have 2 small children (almost 5 and almost 3) so it's very difficult and I don't know how long it will take me to get out, but I know I have to. I'm trying to prepare myself be reading alot of books "Why Does He Do That? Into the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft was my first and I've purchased 2 more that he's recommended. I need more knowledge about emotional/psychological abuse because I'm going to be tied to this man forever because of our children. I need to know how to deal with him.
I also feel emotionally detached. If he left me I would be dancing as well!!! He's made comments about that like, "oh, if I had to go out of town for 2 weeks you wouldn't even care". And it's true!! I'd love it. I'm actually enabling him to be an alcoholic because he goes out and drinks 2/3 times a week and I stopped trying to stop this behavior a long, long time ago because it meant he wouldn't be at home. Now how twisted is that?
I don't know how you've made it 25 years. I mean, I guess part of me does because I'm where you are. Things are relatively peaceful a majority of the time but that's only because I don't do much to rock the boat. Believe me, when I do look out. Whenever I try to go out with friends from work or my one girlfriend from college it's always a fight/temper tantrum/the silent treatment or a combination. But I know how it is to just do whatever they want and give in because it seems easier. I'm just getting tired of not living my life. I'm existing, not living.
We only get one chance at life. One go around. I need to make a change in mine. I hope you can find some inspiration here, or some insight and support, to help you make a change. You deserve so much more.
Hugs,
Lisa
Hi Ples,
I am so sorry that I didn't read this sooner. I, too, had moved on to "New Beginnings" and have come back here were we all started. You asked what finally made me leave was the fact I had no choice. It was life or death for me. Someone was going to get hurt and I truly believe it would have been me. When I finally got the courage to file in 99 I had a RO for three years. I still stayed. When it was up in 02 my lawyer retired, I was forced to get a new lawyer. This lawyer ended up ruining my life. My Ro was reinstated for another 2 yrs. My ex never cared about it and he was in an out of our house all those years. He did as he pleased. The last time I got him out I thought it was for good but he came back because I had a nervous breakdown. To get him out again, after he had threatened me (for the last time) I had to go to the local PD where I was told that there was no case (lawyer's office had entered wrong case number). So what this meant to me was that I had no protection. My ex, for the 100th time, put our house up for sale (control). called a friend of his to list my house, he was worthless, I sold it myself, new owners wanted us out, ex went to work for 3 days, I packed in 3 days while he was gone, and here I am 2 years later, almost to the date I left. It has not been easy, lesser of two evils. I didn't plan to be where I am at this age, 59. It is a totally different world now than when I started in 78 with ex. Where those years went I haven't a clue. Just knowing that there are other women out there that are going through this helps me alto not feel so alone. I am not happy because when I got here there was no help. But because of the wonderful people here who have helped me get this far I will always be grateful. Please be safe and keep posting, you are never alone here and there is help. Take care,
Luv, Sherry
I can tell you that i knew i was in an abusive marriage by about the 2nd year, yet i stayed married 7 in total. Why? B/c i was in denial. B/c i thought it was his alcoholism that caused the abusiveness, & then i realized it only fueled it.
First - to all of you that took the time to read and reply, thank you.
The validation, the support, as always here fantastic. There is NO denying THAT!!
Each of you gave me things to think about. I guess, I don't post often, for 2 reasons, one, availablity to get to the computer without shadows (DH or kids hanging near me) and two, I feel badly not being able to get myself to act on the advice that comes from here. I know that I should do something - but it never seems like the time is right. So, I must believe that it isn't.
I wish that I had the time now to reply to each of you. But I'm not sure how much time I have.
Mom2dylan, something about your reply - you understand. The accusations that I don't think about him enough when in fact, he is ALWAYS on my mind. Unfortunately for him, he is on my mind because I'm trying to figure out either what has him upset or why he doesn't trust me or how can I encourage him to go out so I can be alone. I understand why so many of us enable them to do things - because it gets them out of our hair! I know that I would much rather think about someone because I like them then to think about them because I am fearing their mood. Maybe he knows that. Maybe somewhere inside, he knows that and that is why he feels he needs to be so near to me. But I remember telling him once that the thing you fear the most, if you continue to think it, it will happen. He has gotten his fear. That I want to leave him. Now, to find the time and the way to actually do it.
It may take me years, and I don't ever expect it to ge to the point where I will have to file for protection. He really won't go there, that he knows.
Again, thank you all for your encouragement.
ples
Rlch~
Wow, I can relate to your story in sooo many ways. Especially, trying the therapy, the meds, and just the build up of everything... Bless you for getting safe and bless your daughter, too.
Love,
Loonybunny
After reading about your situation, I truly wish I had some sort of "magical words" that could help set you free from your abusive mate.
I will tell you I've been where you are. Remember that he BENEFITS emotionally and psychologically from his efforts to keep you under his thumb, so telling him that you are unhappy, miserable or don't want to live "like this" anymore won't matter much. If anything, he will only tighten his grip to keep you from leaving him. That's typically the way most abusers work.
So to that end I say, why announce to him that you are unhappy? Chances are he already knows and doesn't give a flying fig. I'll tell you like my dad told me: When you reach the point where you are COMPLETELY fed up and decide for yourself that you want a better life, you'll leave. And no one and no amount of begging or pleading on his part will be able to keep you there or make you stay.
He was absolutely right!
The day came for me to leave my abusive XH and I left WITHOUT telling him. God enabled me to keep my wits about me, quietly make my plans to get the heck out of dodge, get a good divorce lawyer, all of it. I left and NEVER looked back in regret for leaving because I knew it was the best decision I could've ever made for MYSELF.
While I can't tell you to leave, I can tell you that being FREE to live life on my own terms, the way I want and how I want is just awesome! There's nothing else like it!
You deserve the same freedom to live your life the way you want -- FREE from abusive of any kind and that includes your abusive mate.
All the best,
~H