bad dreams

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
bad dreams
31
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:56pm

I'm having trouble sleeping-even resting. Lots of anxiety-like I have to keep busy/moving....

At night having bad dreams/feelings. Like I've seen a car accident and was numb, now it's coming back in color and with some feeling.

Any one else have this experience?

Also still need to drop off her stuff on her porch-feel like I'm stuck in mud-and tgalking through water.

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 8:12pm

she works at home.....I can't go there...the stuff she has isn't that big of a deal but of course it feels like a power play. She's had these sheets I love ...she was supposed to fix them I told her back in may I wanted them back unfixed....I just want them. She refuses....again, she'll withholds whatever I want...affection, sex, sheets....whatever.

I may just send all the stuff back to be done with it-let her "stealing" from me be on her soul.
Beth

p.s. my stomach. Yup, she's my friend. did stop looking at houses after this kept happening. Plus one day I came home really sad-had no enthusiasm for a "house"-I'm in an apartment. And this thought came to me that I could make any event homey or personal or nice...even a funeral-that got my attention. A house with her felt like a spiritual funeral for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: worth_rubies
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 9:08pm

ooooOOooooo!

So you have been listening to your stomach. Just ignoring it when the relationship addiction got too strong.

I am hoping you'll return to your gut instincts.
They never lie to us, Beth. Unlike, ahhh, certain, OTHERS!!!

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:22pm

So much was going on-I had an upcoming surgery, empty nest from both kids in college, not too happy with my job-I didn't really get it at first ....then I did.

It is like an addiction. I just went to the store for groceries and found myself "missing" her. I asked myself what is it that I was missing? It seems crazy....how I can "miss" someone who mistreated me...but I guess I got so brainwashed, I didn't know I was mistreated....I just tried harder . My son was in an abusive relationship and he was the one victimized....I gave him the book by Patricia Evans "the vwerbally abusive relationship" and he broke up that week. It was all psychological abuse....I told him that my relationship had those similarities to his. Actually he too is with another person who doesn't treat him too well-wonder where he learned to get into yucky situations. In , i.e. me! In fact I've had him in mind during all this...hoping he gets it that he too deserves love and respect.

I'm starting, just starting to have little wisps of anger float up. I kept thinking i was going to put her holiday gifts in the stuff of hers I return and then I thought about it-my old habit of trying to be "good, kind, and loving" hoping that she'd realize I wasn't her enemy, that I cared and she would do the same in return....it just fed her ego and she would reciprocate but also became less loving and giving...and mmore irritable. It was both all mixed in....and very confusing. Someone told me it was like playing the "slots" in Vegas-addictive. But it was the suspected infidelity that broke my heart.

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:28am

Beth,

I really hope you and DS can have some discussions about relationships while he's visiting. You'd both benefit from sharing your experiences. I remember the anger coming into my life. I think it's part of healing from this. Are you remembering more and more of what you've buried deep down from the past? If you're at all like me, after this bought of anger, you'll start to feel better and have less anxiety. That's how it happened for me. Are you going to see the DR?

Keep us posted on DS's visit. Wish you both all the best!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 10:22am

Hi Carrie,

I will let my son bring things up-unfortunately he well remembers the last abuser ..I think he's digesting this news and will come to me with more questions...we had some discussion yesterday and my sense is that when he needs more , he'll say something. I don't know how he views this relationship . He's also dealing with the knowledge that his uncle is beginning to drink again-so we talked some also about alcoholism and how people can't "do it alone" i.e. quitting.

I'm struggling this a.m. with "missing her" and remembering the good times...and how wonderful she was to me in the first years.....it was such a slow decline and with the hecticness of life...kids leaving for college, medical stuff, family stuff it just kind of morphed into something else. Even the way she looked at me and the sound of her voice changed.

At least I slept better last night-pure exhaustion I think. Wondering if I should send her niece/nbephew christmas gifts or if that'll keep it going. I will miss them a lot-they're in another town but visit her/me....

I just am taking it one day at a time....a combination of depression/grief and numbness....and sometimes really o.k. It's weird-I thought we could be "friends" and this makes me very happy. Like I can breathe...like all her bad vibes won't reach me.... I wish she'd just move away-she moved to this neighborhood to "be close " to me! Yuck. I've lived here since my kids were born.

Oops...I keep digressing.....I hope you enjoy your family and have a fun birthday with son....I'm so glad you're moving forward. And that you have a lawyer to fight for you....I'm thinking of you!! Hugs,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 1:49pm

Yup! Those gut feelings are so right on the button! If I listened to my gut when I first met my abuser I wouldn't be here... but oh well... I love it here and all the wonderful ladies on here :) Everything happens for a reason.

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:18pm
I just had an insight or awareness...Normally I would see partner in the park I had said in the counseling session that I'd be cordial...she wouldn't look at me or speak to me. I realized some of my anxiety and depression has been another assault-she's treating me like the abuser-and she's the victim!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I've felt F'ed up. Also she is convincing "our" counselor who I wanted to have as "my" counselor post breakup not to do counseling with me...the thaerapist lewft me a message that she's trying to "sort through " her thoughts....prior to her speaking with partner she was "willing" to continue working with me. I left her a message back that i would no longer continue therapy with abuser and reminded her of her words. I ended it though with if she'd dcided it wouldn't work mto p[lease call me......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 7:32pm


Have you considered attending Al-Anon with your son?
Not because anyone is a boozer, but because of the coping mechanisms it offers. Do I recall you mentioning a meeting before? Anyway, if you take out the word (and substitute) Alcoholic (Abuser), or Drunk(Anger), or Passed Out (Silent Treatment), Manipulation = Manipulation, and so it, it's AMAZING how much abuse is abuse, whether it's substance or human abuse.

Making this all about me again, I spent 22 years in the restaurant business. I walked so many friends and employees through 12-step programs, I can talk (and use) all the lingo. NA, GA, OEA, SA, Al-Anon, AA, etc. When trying to deal with my Practice Husband, I found the Al-Anon to be amazing. I just listened a lot, but when I went home, I could SEE his actions and plans for exactly what they were: A Tornado of Drama with him at the center. He THRIVED on the energy.

Again, anyway, I found that there were many places in my life I could apply the coping skills. At work, with kids (teenagers in particular!), other addicts and definately abusers. Your son sounds like a wise child, which isn't uncommon for someone where some kind of abuse was present. But he recognized what was going on, thanks to you, and made changes.

Now it's time for BOTH of you to work on yourself so you don't pick up with another abuser, like it sounds like he is. The deal? Your deeply trained need to please and make peace to gain approval and therefore love/acceptance, etc.

That's a 2-bit diagnosis, but pretty common. I fight it, too, but have made INCREDIBLE changes in ME, which then caused others to have to react to me differently. Therefore, I "changed" them, too.

Infedility IS heartbreaking. It's incredible selfish and disrespectful of the cheater, too. But then, they don't care until they're caught. I, myself, have no room for sneaks, theives and lairs in my life. I've let some interesting friendships fall by the wayside when I've discovered things like this. Better than trying to deal with this hoo-ha!

I'm glad to hear you're getting mad. Fan those wisps. You deserve to be treated well, but Beth, you must respect yourself and demand it from someone. You're heart is too valuable to use it as a doormat for someone's slimey feet.

(How was that for metaphoric?)

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:00pm

You bet I go to Al-Anon....lately I've been going to a meeting a day.....it's keeping me sane and grounded. OMG ....I'd sink quickly if I didn't have a way to cope with all this-I extended an invite to my son today and he declined....he has been to 12 step meetings for drug use in high school. Today I reminded him he was a candidate for Al-Anon and to please remember that.....he never has to be alone with his problems....

I get it too how "we" change and then everyone around changes.....the sad thing is that I met partner in a meeting-so I thought all was good-and in the beginning it was although there were red flags , the sense of arguments never or rarely going well, feeling she was "over the top" about me sometimes to the extent that it felt "off" but I could never really put my finger on it...and a total immersion into my life-she had no life of her own and I felt suffocated, but I also felt "wanted"-very wonderful feeling for a while. Plus I had a stalker and was in and out of court for CPO's and criminal case....that took a lot of my attention so I had my guard way down-and I thought it was o.k, after all "noone's perfect"....although honestly I need more "guard" or really seeing red flags for what they are-12 step person or not....

My son and I talked a little more tonight. He said he was disappointed....that he held off on accepting her because other relatioships sisn't make it-and here he was again, losing another person in his life. But the comment he made the other night made me wonder if he felt the undercurrents....also the "failure to protect" stuff-I told him I taught him a lot of dysfunctional ways to have relationships....but I also showed him how to get out. I told him I did the best I could-and I'm looking at myself in all this....and about red flags.......he doesn't seem to see it. I find it extremely difficult and know some of his stuff is learned from me....I can't fix it all...if I care for me, he'll get that message too.

Infidelity....can't "prove" it as she says "you have no evidence" but all the "soft" signs are there....and I think it happened/or is happening.....It's a killer. One huge sign was her total disinterest in me in that area...I felt sooo rejected. At first I felt so insecure ....my friend told me it had nothing to do with me....which I believe. It was a power trip and a way to get retribution for limits I had set in the relationship-...I simply couldn't take that pain on top of everything else...and she was so angry that I was insecure-and indignant when I said the "you have no evidence" line was insensitive at best and cruelly taunting at worst.....

Thanks for the metaphor-my heart is deserving of love. And I am a very loving and affectionate person. Not that I don't have my issues....and can be crabby...but I don't do this garbage and I try to a fault to be fair....and like you said to keep the peace. That's also the role of an incest survivor. AND I'm on my feet. A bit frayed but going forward. She was shocked in that session-she never thought I'd leave...or that I'd believe myself over her about the affair. And again her unkind handling of my fear was enough to call it quits. If I had a partner/husband who was frightened of my change in behavior and thinking there was someone else-if I wanted reassure them I'd be very loving and concerned and want to know What was going on that they felt that way...I wouldn't say "you have no evidence".....

I'll be happy to have some real anger.....I know it will be freeing. As it is-I'm getting clearer but still am foggy too. I remember the sweet times too.

Happy last night of Chanukah,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: worth_rubies
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:18pm

Funny, Beth. :)

You think you're falling apart, I think you have so much together!
Weird how we can be both, isn't it?
Your son(s) are lucky to have you.

I'm glad you're in on the Al-Anon secret. Such great tools!

I'll never forget one woman sitting there, though, every week just mad.
She'd look around and say, "I resent that the most entertaining, witty and intelligent fun people in my life are drunks."

Boy did I get that one!
I know I can preform brain surgery while speaking German after 3 glasses of wine.
That's one of the reasons I limit myself to two, maybe 3 if it's an 8 hour night! (Or I'm not driving and can fall into sleep without killing anyone.) I come from a long line of drinkers. Odd that substances, other than food, have never been my issue.

Anyway. I hope you've been able to enjoy your Chanuka. I've never experienced the evening ceremonies, but reading them sounds beautiful.

My husband is home after working 36 hours and sleeping on a job site last night. I have to go poke him so he moves over to his side of the bed to snore. Big Bed Hog. But'cha know? He's a shining example that there are good ones out there (of either gender:) and when you're least expecting it (or looking for it) they'll pop up right in your face.

On that note, dearheart, I know you're going to be fine and fabulous. Remember: Women with smaller breasts never look saggy, their clothes usually fit better, and they'll always look trim.


C.