bad dreams

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
bad dreams
31
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:56pm

I'm having trouble sleeping-even resting. Lots of anxiety-like I have to keep busy/moving....

At night having bad dreams/feelings. Like I've seen a car accident and was numb, now it's coming back in color and with some feeling.

Any one else have this experience?

Also still need to drop off her stuff on her porch-feel like I'm stuck in mud-and tgalking through water.

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 4:25pm

I just erased a whold damned post.....arggghhhh.

The boobs..thankyou for a laugh. I fed 2 wiggly babies with 'em....and folks I know who are well endowed hate the back pain, the monster bras.....

My kids. My son called from Japan . He was sad and asked what happened. Don't know if this is cool but I said that things were rocky for quite some time and I suspected she had an affair and that was unacceptable. That a relationship needs 2 honest and "present" people. Is this too much sharing from me? I told him to trust his gut always.....believe people's actions, not their words. He said I taught both kids that always. He unlike brother has zero tolerance for unkind people. One reason I told them is that they think I'm "crabby" but don't know the "behind the scenes"....with my last abuser -I had to tell them because I was being seriously stalked and I needed them to be aware and safe . My younger son -about 10 at the time-said that they "were the key to the golden door", that she used them to get to me.....they thought she was great...gifts, going places etc. Yet later on was intensely jealous of them and wanted my older son to go live with {alcoholic] dad when I said I needed more space.

I don't want them to view me as a victim or elicit sympathy-it's a fine line. I told them my eyes were/are opened. I will listen to my instincts. I told them the world's filled with caring people, and that I will be o.k. I told them that they can have whatever relationship they want with her....that I will always be civil and maybe one day could be "friends"-don't know but want to convey tone of civility.......I need some help here...don't want to be Pollyanna either.

Whaddya think about calling relatioship "rocky" and that I suspected an affair-is this too much? Don't want to cross that parent/child line and yet want them to know reality....

Any thoughts?
Enjoy that snoring husband! Someday I'll have a love who loves me!
Thanks for smooch! I love these internet hugs and smooches and prayers....
Hugs to you,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: worth_rubies
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 7:14pm

Beth, there comes a time in life when you have to let your kids be adults.
You'll love this.

I worked at a Job Corps for quite some time. In the mid-90s there was a study about when kids left adolescence in a "normal," middle income family. Here were the findings then:

White males: 27 if at all
Black Males 23
White females: 22-25
Black Females: 16-20

The reasoning for the delayed/stunted development of the white males was very strongly attributed to the mother. We pamper, baby, protect, infantize and discount our children until they hit 18, 21, whatever, then we suddenly expect them to be responsible adults. Huh? Plus, women have a hard time letting go of their sons. You seldom hear FIL from hell, but MIL? Again, there's a reason for the stereotypes.

I found it intersting that females still come to maturity earlier. Women are often expected to "handle" things when men are not. Think about going home if you had siblings. Males: on the couch watching football, women waiting on them to the point of peeling grapes. My opinion.

My POINT, though, is that you didn't overshare at all. Unlike the people in this study, you gave your boys credit for understanding, for their experiences and for their feelings. You didn't try to play sides (pick her or me), you just put it out there. If you're worried about the word "rocky" how to you feel about the term, lying, cheating bitch? Too much? Ok. I'm jerking your chain, girlie. :)

How do YOU feel about it? What's your gut think? Did you come away feeling icky or did you come way feeling they were going to be OK? Again, I happen think you've got it a lot more together than you think. Your boys are products of bad relationships you've had. (Bear with me!) They're therefore probably more mature and discerning in weird ways than "normal" kids. By the reactions you've offered here, you're too worried, but I think it's more about what they're going to think, not about them. See the difference? Let it go. The whole thing is what the whole thing is. They walked away knowing you did something to take care of yourself, which is the greatest lesson. Plus, they love you.

In MY opinion, and based upon what you've shared? Deep breath and give yourself some credit.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 11:59pm

Thank you!
Actually we ended up talking more-he kept looking at his cell phone and I asked who was calling-he laughed. I asked him what was funny and he said "you're nosy"...I said it's from the craziness I've felt being with someone I suspected was cheating ....that it's a hold-over to "check" what's happening. That I've felt "scared" and insecure for months.It led to a great discussion plus I told him I was on this web site for DV and how to withhold affection or lie and manipulate is emotional abuse.

He also has been affected whether he knows it or not-i.e. someone who came across as a parent cared so little and sacrificed the role of parent for the power and thrill of an affair-incredibly cruel and abusive to them! They trusted her and took a huge risk by introducing her as a parent. They were very courageous and honest. she treated them like sh*t too. -by demeaning their mom, by creating stress and fear so that I had no energy for them when they'd call/visit...sadly at times I felt so unavailable-all caught up in fear and anxiety about her....or fearing her jealousy of them.Especially if I wanted "alone time" with them.

I told him to always trust himself-if things felt weird not to second guess self...if girlfriend is unkind it's not a joke....it totally diffused the tension between us....just now I asked him if I had shared "too much"-he said not at all. He seems more relaxed/safer knowing what's going on...the reality of it...so thank you for the vote of confidence. I did tell him that it's hard to know how much to share without it being too much-he gets it. He was very loving and seemed more relaxed and grounded. My kids have been through alot!!!! When they were little I had flashbacks/lots of PTSD and had to explain that mommy was having very bad and scary memories and that my attitudes and moods had to do with that, not them...and that they didn't cause it. I used to have to take "mommy time outs" when I was overwhelmed. I've navigated some pretty awful terrain the best that I can.....and someimes my best wasn't too damned good.

Thank you for saying I gave them credit for understanding-they are very compassionate, although the older son can have some of the anger that I saw in his dad ... The difference is that he catches self and apologizes....and is generally a loving kid. He's been helping a lot around the house...grocery shopping, doing dishes, helped with dinner. I raised them to be a part of the household-not little entitled princes. Both sons have a lot going for them....and when I've been in abusive relationships they get confused when they see me being treated disrespectfully, especially if it's in a "joking" way and I've experienced them as copying the abuser a little bit....but still they catch themselves and apologize...but I can tell it's been confusing....that love and pain are mingled .

And they have seen me defy the abuse and leave...they both knew that I went to a group/therapy at a battered women's shelter, about the CPO and the menacing by stalking. They were both afraid for me what last abuser was capable of...and they saw me stand up to her and get a lot of help to get out. 12 steps and all. I've told them never be ashamed of needing help-we're all human..

Also this feels better because before I felt like I was "sneaking" to get on this board-and that alone creates an "off" feeling in the household. I appreciate your support very much-sharing was the absolute right thing to do....the whole "vibe" of the house has lightened. I wish my other son was home to have been included in the conversations....it's harder because we talk weekly or e-mail.....
Thankyou...I knew I had to end it too because I'm role modeling abuse by staying...and my older son has especially been affected by my partners/his dad.....

I love my sons. I told them both that the next bigger relationship will be safe, loving and will feel right. And that the world's a good place and full of wonderful adventures and people...and that being said...don't give power away....and for my sons...to think it through ..the brain is not in the penis-don't be seduced by sex.
Any way-I feel lots better regarding what I've shared....I'm just starting to feel how "big" this is....I still have anxiety and numbness/disbelief...probably a good thing for a while..

Sweet dreams,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: worth_rubies
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 10:24am

Ahhh, if feels so great to be validated. {LOLOLOL}
Notice, it's all about me again?

No, seriously. As parents, people do the best they can with what they know and have been given. Teaching your kids how to have a better life is the best thing that can be done, IMHO.

So. Now you can add relief and probably more confidence to your list of emotions after the last 2 days, I think! Hopefully it'll be a little easier to get out of bed, the mud through which you're wading will become a little less thick each day, and you'll remember your strong, wonderful boys and have a smile. They and their love are something no one else can ever, ever take away.

Proud of you girlie! The easiest thing to get rid of worries and doubts is to talk about it, don't you think? Although the talking about it part might not be easy. CONFUSING!

So what's your plan for the week? It's time to do different things and break your routine. I look at it this way. Last week you were floundering and wallowing. God, that's an AWFUL feeling, isn't it? Last week you could dispair, "Oh, but last week we were doing xxxx." Well, THIS week, last week you were on your own and in not-so-good shape. THIS week, you need to start thinking about you and your own time. So NEXT week, when you look back you can say, "Oh, I did xxxx last week and think I'll do it again/differently/with someone else/not do that again." It all makes last week yours and not something that would have been shared with either HER or the heartache you let her give you. Plus, you have this weekend to smile about, with these great adult moments and conversations with your sons. You all seem to really appreciate each other. HUGE in families. :)

Anyway, Can you follow that? It's confusing.

My dad died in 1988, December 14. It was such a blur, we went through Christmas and New Years before we knew it. The odd thing was that the next year, we couldn't moan, "Last year..." Because that was now 2 Christmases ago that we were together. Odd, but it helped. There weren't any 1sts without him days, because we'd blurred through them. Later in the year, of course, we had to face them but we were healing a little and were better able to handle it. So that's where I'm coming from, I guess.

So that's all. :) We're living in one room in our house right now because of last year's fire. I'm going to sneak some decorations up to surprise my husband. He's exhausted, but I think it'll make him smile before he crashes.

Have a GORGEOUS day.
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 9:35pm

Hi C,

Thanks for the post. I am doing ok-I get the gist ?sp of what you're saying about changing routines. Tonight is very loaded for me-it's when we used to make a wonderful dinner and do fun "stockings"...so today my son and I went swimming..he went to his dad's house and I went to a meeting tonight.....and then I went to pick up my kitty's ashes. I want him home. They gave me a lovely poem....I'm going to do dishes and walk dogs. Then sit quietly and read the poems.

I'm sad about a lot right now, but I feel good too. I hate that crazy, hyper anxious feeling when you can't tell what's truth and what's not-being invalidated....perceptions distorted...all by the one who "loves" me. I can't imagine what "hate" would feel like.

It's been a huge shift in my thinking...from lover to abuser. I'm not always all there-I still doubt myself ..but each day I feel a few millimeters clearer and safer. She also hasn't called. I think too I've been shocked by her total lack of interest in calling my son or giving him holiday gift....it almost validates more what a total creep she is...

Hugs to you and happy holidays....you're wisdom is really appreciated.

One day at a time,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 5:52pm
Beth- DV counselor for you! Catch up later! Carrie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 6:27pm

Hi Beth,

Well funny story to get out of the way... I locked myself in the (I haven't called it our bedroom since Sept) bedroom. He's been bugging me the whole time, accused me of having a boyfriend online. I said "do you want to see, it's all women?" Than he accused me of having a girlfriend! I do, lots of them lately! Along w/ support and companionship, that I never had in my marriage. I just chuckled to myself, he wishes I had a girlfriend in the way he said!

I'm getting there. How are you doing? I love this board! It's great to see how we're all dealing and changing! I think we all get caught up in our everyday, it's hard to see the growing we've done on our own. When we can see it in others we have even more hope!

I think the conversation w/ DS will sink in. Good for you for being honest and open. Why is it so hard for us? Confilct? Christmas is over, Chanuka is over is over. The New Year is ahead and we've all made great strides! This is the week I tell the kids about the divorce. Wish me luck, it will be hard although some are expecting it I'm sure. Like your boys, my kids have introduced H as parent. I hate to take that away. I hate even more to be this weak example of all my girls can be! Don't get me wrong, I don't view anyone here as weak. I know the strength it takes to get through each day with an abusive partner! I'm only referring to my opinion of my girls picture of me, always giving in.

Beth, you walking away from that appt was great! Have you made an appt w/ DV counselor? I'm not getting on you about that, I have to make another appt too. But we should. They have a whole different approach, they understand and reiterate your feelings.

Guess what, H avoided all celebrations. It was so much less stressful!

We're doing good, hang in there!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 6:45pm

Agreed! Beth, your boys are clearly able to express themselves to you, and you have not disappointed them! They are open w/ you, expressing their feelings, cause you're a caring, loving mother! They're confused probably. I only hope I can deal w/ the news as well as you have. I love the picture of your oldest son putting his arm around you, cause he knows what you've been through. From an earlier post, but fresh in my mind.

Like C, I wonder, how do you FEEL about the handling of the conversation? It needed to be said, what do you think? Don't worry too much, you're a considerate, loving mother. If they have questions they'll come to you. You've kept it open, they can seek her out too. Any concerns there?

Sometimes being entirely honest can be difficult. Your boys will respect your honesty.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 6:52pm

Beth,

You're a rock! Keep rolling! You're in my prayers, and your boys too!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: worth_rubies
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 7:07pm

Hi Carrie,

Good luck with your kids...all in all it will help them so much to be free of all the garbage from your H. They will thrive-and you will be so much more available. My experience with my sons is that the truth can hurt like hell but feels so much better in the long run and is validating their unconscious feeling of things being "off"....

We are showing them how to cope with a very difficult situation. Be proud!!! I have a card in my kitchen that says..."fall down 7 times, get up 8"....most of my relationships have been abusive to varying degrees so my kids have been through a lot...I told them that I felt my eyes were much more opened and that I'm getting help.. I've been in counseling but I hear you about the DV counseling. They "get it"...

Hang in there too.

Your husband suspicions about boyfriend/girlfriend is pretty funny....I'm glad you could joke about it.... Men are both titillated ?sp and very fearful of women w/women. What... no penis????? :)

It's funny...I believed women would never hurt women. Boy, was I naive.......

Take good care! You must be super organized to have 6 kids and still have time to post on here.

Enjoy your evening,
Hugs and prayers for you and kids well being
Beth