bad weekend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
bad weekend
2
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 5:17pm
i feel so down right now that I just need to let it out. This weekend has been so lousy and i feel pretty darn low right now. I was doing well and things kinda took a bad turn. Really overall I am having one of the worst years of my life - seems like very little is going right. I am grateful when ANYTHING goes right. I have been looking to move out of my apartment to another rental and I found one and signed on for it, etc. Today I had to sign a Notice to Vacate and my landlord kind of gave me a hard time so that pushed me over the edge. this apartment building I live in is just too noisy and I feel forced out of here, yet he is telling me unless he can fill it soon, I will be responsible for the remainder of the rent. my attorney had a different opinion on it but that really isn't what set me off as much. . .. yesterday my abuser called and I talked to him. I should have known better but the temptation was too great. The conversation wasn't all that bad but it ended up with him basically saying in so many words that I blew things out of proportion (the incident that caused me to dump him 3 weeks ago), and that I am hysterical - a "typical woman" who jumps to conclusions, etc. he wasn't yelling for a change but I was getting aggitated by his choice of words and sexist phrases. I calmly explained to him that he sets me off when he says things like I am acting like an A-hole and that if he really wants me to be calm, it would be helpful if he is careful not to say things that would set anyone off. The conversation kept steering in the direction of him saying that we fight too much and that he has tried very hard and he just doesn't know what to do, etc., etc. and that he really thinks maybe we should move on. I was a little upset but I was more disgusted with him trying to look like the big man when I dumped him 3 weeks ago - which obviously he overlooked. So, I called him bluff and said that I totally agree with him - that I have changed and that we fight all the time and that it is best that we move on. Suddenly he back peddaled very quickly and was like "No, no but we can still talk. . . . " I guess meaning that we can talk to see if things start to get better. And he ended with saying that "maybe" he will call me today (Sunday). I got off the phone and my mood has been wrecked every since. And it was made worse because today I was out and about at the stores and I drove by his house a couple of times. I wasn't stalking him or anything, but I am tired of going out of my way to NOT drive by when it is quicker to get where I want to go. I saw his car sitting outside in his driveway with both garage doors closed, so the first thought that came to my mind was "he has some chick there and she is parked in the garage." And that is really, really bothering me. I don't know why. But is seems so unfair. He gets on the phone, tries to re-connect with me, yet knowing he is seeing someone else - probably some type of 'fling' girl, but still. I am not out there dating because I am not ready for that! he has not hesitated to knock knees with someone else - I am the one sitting around crying, feeling sad but trying to heal and there he is hanging out with someone else. I know that I don't know this for sure, but the signs are there. I just feel it in my gut. I am upset because I am truly bothered by this. I know he has to be seeing someone because if he wasn't, he would have been bothering the crap out of me these last few weeks. There's always someone there for him - even casually - and he never gets to feel the pain that I do. EVER!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 6:34pm

Let it out all you need to. Vent as much as you like... That is the great thing about this board. I had a bad night on Friday and I was really sad and had a meltdown. I did feel better after I cried, so if you're sad just let the tears come.

You are not responsible for paying the rent if you move out. I can see if you didn't give a months notice... but really? That isn't fair to put the pressure on you that you need to pay till someone else moves in. That just isn't right or fair.

Don't give yourself a hard time about talking to your Ex. I have failed many times and gave in an talked to him and even seen him a few times after we split. I know now that it was a huge mistake and I finally learned from it. You already know about the no contact rule, so I won't nag at you about that. Just do what you feel is right. It is very hard when you talk to them and they say they'll call you later.. then it seems like your just waiting around for them to call.. but I don't know why?? Whatever he says just please don't try and be friends with him. I did.. and it did not work. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but I missed him so much and loved being around him when he was in his good moods.. but it really isn't worth it. I started thinking that when I hang out with him I am heading backwards instead of forwards. My next man is out there and it will take me longer and longer to heal and find him if I continue to talk with my abuser.

You didn't blow anything out of proportion. He in a way is putting all the blame onto you and not saying that he did anything wrong. You did the right thing.

Maybe some other girl is there.. and of course you will feel jealous. You are still very sad and he already has some chick there... Maybe he doesn't but we always seem to think the worst don't we. Next time, just try and think that you fel bad for her and she doesn't have any idea what she is getting herself into. I didn't know what I was getting into, and I doubt that you did either. Feel bad for his next lady that comes along.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:06pm
Thank you so much for your reply. You always say the most supportive things and I do really, really appreciate it. I did read your post about your bad day at work and how sad you felt, too, and I could totally relate to that. Everything that kinda "sucks" seems to magnify even more when you feel low and I have been dealing with that a lot lately. Also, you have mentioned on several occasions that I should start a journal and I think maybe it is time that I make the time to do that. It sounds like a great idea. It was definitely a mistake talking to my ex the other day - it tore open the wound again. Hearing his voice made me cry and made me want to forget about all the lies, the mental abuse, the criticisms, etc., that he dishes out. It just felt so good to hear his voice, but then before we got off the phone, I second-guessed everything that I felt so strongly about the day I truly busted him in some lies. And even now, I am second guessing myself - like maybe I did overreact, etc., so that no contact rule is obviously so important. I was definitely on the road to feeling better about myself and not thinking so much about what HE is out doing, but unfortunately talking to him has caused me to start obsessing about who he is with now, etc. And I got more important things I should be thinking about and working on. It is so hard to live in the face of verbal abuse day after day and you just want to end that so bad, but when it finally does end, it just really doesn't. The pain slowly seems to wash away with the tears and then all you can remember are the good times - and just like you said about your abuser, you miss the GOOD times that were had, because there was good times. And that's what you want back, but you can't get it without the rest. It's just a hard place to be.