Been here before, am back again
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| Sat, 07-02-2005 - 11:38am |
Hi guys!
Mostly I just need someone to listen to me. I'm sorry this is long!
I used to come here years ago sadly. I am still with the man who abuses me. I've been with him now for nearly 6 years, and something suddenly happened to me...you know at the beginning of your abusive relationships you feel like "oh it's my fault they are so bad to me!" and you do everything in your power to keep them happy? That is completely gone.
Period.
About a month ago, I woke up and had completely lost all my anxieties about these things being my fault, that I haven't changed enough, etc. It was like I took a fresh breath of air. It is absolutely amazing the changes an abusive man goes through when he thinks he is going to lose you. He has been so sweet and kind, and acting like a 'normal man.' So of course I started to give love in return and he is right back at being angry, rude and just plain jerkish.
He used to be physically abusive, but not anymore. Now he is just emotionally/verbally abusive to me. I can't do anything right, what I do always falls short of his expectations, I can't please him in bed (there's no way to make this man have an orgasm except through intercourse and he blames me for it, although I've never had complaints before him ahah!) I'm not a good housekeeper, etc. He is always complaining about my weight, my looks, the way I do my hair, the way I dress, the company I keep, that I am needy and clingy, etc.
I get screamed at daily for stupid things, and he always talks in circles, confuses me, then proceeds to tell me how stupid I am for not knowing what the hell he is talking about. I'm always threatened with "I'll slap you" as well as various other things.
But as I said, lately I don't put up with so much of these things. Now I fight back. it's like I'm at my wits end or something. What happened to me? I am in a play right now, and I have been flirted with by the other men in the cast, and it really boosted my confidence! I feel like "why would anyone want me when I'm so inadequate?" So I started really thinking, and watching my cast mates. They are all so happy! And they talk about their relationships like they are something joyful! Wow! I thought relationships are just supposed to drain the life out of you!
Everyday when i come home from rehersal, on the way I wish I didn't have to go home. i want to stay out and just be free of all this. I am afraid to live alone (he lives in my house) but not that afraid.
I certainly pray that I'll gain the courage to tell him to get out. I am feeling so much more free, so much more light hearted, and I'm spending a lot of time with friends. he is really pouting about that, and complaining I don't spend any time with him, etc. but then when i do, I can't do anything right, so why bother? Forget it!
Thank you for listening to me ladies, and I'm going to be back a lot. I need to be here and gain the strength needed to move past this frightening part of my life.
Hugs, and God bless us all in this trial
Shawna
24 years old

Welcome Shawna...
I think I might vaguely remember you, but always know we welcome you with open arms and unconditional support.