Been here done that...STILL doing that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Been here done that...STILL doing that
7
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 7:06pm
I have always had a relationship problem with my H. Its always been a struggle. Its now going on 25 years. The fact that its been that long and I am still so unhappy is embarressing to me. I've had two children with this guy. He is definately abusive to me. He has admited it. He says he is "changing" but I still see the abusive actions AND feel the same not better about the relationship. I left him a few months back. He called begging and pleading to return. Then he swallowed pills. I caved. I guess I couldn't bear the thought of being responsible if he died. Then for a few weeks it was working. He attended church, got on some meds, his amger was better etc. Then the pills made him impotent. He quit them. Then it all started to resurface. The anger, criticiszm (sp), following me around the house nagging at me, the "life is so bleak" speeches, the "why aren't you a better wife?" crap. At the same time, he became ill and is facing an operation. He is milking this for all the attention he can get. While I will see him through this, its gagging me how he puts on this "poor sick me" act, and want sympathy 24-7. It isn't his fault, but the stress is making me eat everything in sight, I've gained 5 lbs! At the center of this is my dear little guy. He is 4. Daddy has a list of 5,000 rules to follow. He can't possibly be silent all the time. H nags on my little S and he is really starting to react negatively to this and is angry inside. He also is fearful, and clingy to me. H says I "baby" the little "brat" and that his friends tell him I should "beat this kids ass" and he'll learn to mind. This has me appalled. I do not spank. If you do thats fine, but I don't believe in it. I try and get S to want to obey without force. Also H is a screamer. He is so loud I have a hearing problem now. Tonight was the last straw. He called S a "whiny little brat" because he wanted food and couldn't wait, he kept saying, "mommy I want to eat" over and over even though it was cooking and he had to wait it out. I just tried to ignore it but H started this rampage telling me that I baby him, and let him have his way, I am a pushover to our 4 year old. Then I told H that he was like acid. That acid is corrosive to surfaces and that continuing to do this to our child would cause him to lose his self esteem. H says, "What kind of wife would do this to her SICK husband?" so here I am once again. Dying inside. Am I the problem? Should I let H do this? Something inside of me says NO that H is wrong. I am the parent and I MUST stop this evil person from damaging my child. What do you guys think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:34pm

I would say that your number one priority is to protect your child and get him out of a toxic household without spending another minute debating it with yourself when you know what's going on.

Your post is mostly about this man and what he says and what he does... time to step up to the plate and make decisions and stick to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:07pm
I agree with you. I need to make that move. I am just very fearful. Its been years of crap like this and I'm sorry but I am very skittish. I also wanted to know if this emotional abuse or was I being overly sensitive. Thanks for replying. I am trying here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:12pm

Fearful of what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:57pm

I agree that beautydiva needs to protect her son(s) here, but you could be a little more sensitive to the situation.
She is trying to get out of the predicament she is in, and you are acting like it's no big deal. We all know what kind of problems our abusers can give us, and how tricky it can sometimes be to leave that situation while thinking of our future as well. And she did say her husband threatened to kill himself. So, I think that if this woman is coming here for some support and answers you could be a little more comforting, and a little less abrasive.




Edited 11/5/2005 1:15 am ET by smoothride
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 1:00am

Smoothride,

You're right... I'm not as outwardly sympathetic to the circumstances as I could be. I don't reinforce how awful it is to live this way, I don't commiserate much about the pain of being mistreated - I do tend to cut to the chase and sometimes it comes across as harsh. Instead, I give her support by asking her to identify her fears so the wise women here can help her find the concrete answers. Not the "oh, how horrible for you!" answers, but real direct answers that help a smart woman like beautydiva get a better life for herself and her kid. Once kids get into the fray it's a different game.

One reason, too, that I'm not being excessively mushy about it is because beautydiva comes across so intelligently and is clear about her thoughts and feelings. I dont' need to reinforce how bad her life is, I need to reinforce how much better it will be. I hardly think that she is so weak that all she needs is my sympathy. If she were helpless, she wouldn't have a fabulous name like "beautydiva!"

But you're right, smoothride, I can be a bit harsh. It's a harsh situation to live in and there's only one answer. Perhaps it's more practical than some would like but I've found that emotions can be dealt with later - actions are what matters.

I wouldn't be offering much help to beautydiva if all I did was feel sorry for her.

I would say that a quarter-century of putting up with this man's crap is more than enough for any woman to bear. The man is horrible. He doesn't deserve a good wife or good kids - he should be alone. He sucks. He's mean, he's a bully, he's a dick, and he's mentally unstable. I don't care if he's tried to kill himself and I don't care if he eventually does -- it's probably just manipulation anyway. Then again, if he did kill himself, at least beautydiva wouldn't have to deal with his BS anymore and her kid wouldn't grow up feeling like a loser.

The only answer is to leave this man. That's the answer. All the rest is gravy.

And beautydiva? I'm on your side, honey, I've been there. I know the emotions. You will be infinitely better and healthier and happier when you make a plan and execute it. You will be proud of yourself beyond words.

That's why I asked you what you're fearful of. Once we identify what you're afraid of, we can all help you overcome them.

Smoothride, I get your point. I hope you understand where I'm coming from, too.

Beautydiva, you have a lot of support here. Keep coming back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:47pm
fluffybubbles- your intentions were good, and your intelligence shows. But I just meant that beautydiva is just now really beginning to assess her situation and that's where all the lovely gals at the board come in. Now we all know that the first step is usually the hardest. So I just meant that she probably just wanted to hear that she is not insane and that it is all in her husband's head. Then she can gain strength from there.
I hope you did not take offense to my reply. None intended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 10:41pm

Hi again, smoothride,

No offense taken, sweetie, you were right -- I sometimes forget about the stage where we can't see what's in front of us when it's clear to everyone else.

:) Thanks for reminding me!