Is this the beginning of something bad??
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| Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:40pm |
My hubby and I have been through alot... and he's a very good man... but there are some times he acts in a way I can't stand! And sometimes he'll through these tantroms where I don't think I even know who he is....
He has outbursts at me, he'll slam things throw things punch things if he's in a situation he does not like... if something is'nt his way... if I confront him about something... its rare... but there... sometimes he'll curse at me ...m@therf#cker... things like that...
on new years eve he went to a friends house for a new years party... I was going to meet up with him later after visiting my grandfather in the hospital... he then calls me and tells me that he does'nt want me to come... his friend wants it to be a guys night... that really hurt my feelings... my other friends were out of town... so I would be alone on new years eve.... that made me feel like crap...
so the next day he came home...hung over... (he normally never drinks... and never to the point of getting severley intoxicated).... he kissed me in bed and I jerked away... and he said "don't be a meany head"... I said my feelings are hurt... and he said im not the mood for this... I don't feel good... and I said... I don't feel sorry for you.. you got drunk its on you... so he kind of kept ignoring me... which makes me mad... like things will just go away... I like to address things.. solve issues... and thats that....
after a while he asks me... whats wrong... and I said... You really hurt my feelings thats what.. you left me alone on new years eve... and then he said... I did'nt say you could'nt come... I didnt think you cared about new years .....I said no you did say I could'nt come and what makes you think anyone wants to be alone on a holliday.. I wanted to spend it with the man I love.. kiss at midnight...so he said sorry... and he was done... I found out he called and chatted with a couple women for a while while he was at the party... a couple women he's been talking to for about a month... one of them called him on christmas to wish him happy hollidays... but he never talks to them around me.. he always says I have to go... he met them at work... so I confronted him about that as well... in the past before we were married he cheated on me a couple times... but we got thourgh it... but I told him I would never trust him so I would be werid about him talking to girls... all I needed is to know something about the girls he was talking to to give me some security....
he told me to quit talking about his friends... there just nice girls he relates to.. he said he has girl friends and guy friends.... to drop it and quit being so jealous... I said im sorry... im just feel like crap... he said your so insecure... and I said I have reason to be...
you don't treat me like im important at all...he said nothing.... that made me mad... he was quiet like I never said anything for 10 minuets... so I said fine ignore me... I kicked my drawer closed and walked away... he pushed me back... and punched walls threw things... threw a lamp at a wall... sceaming m@therf#cker... huh... what you want from me.. b!tch.. m@therf#cker... he threw a chair at a door leaving a huge gash... this scared me... so I stared to cry... I told him to stop it...I said I was sorry... not to worry about anything...
he called his friend and went to leave and I said crying, do you love me at all?... he said yes.. but you irritate the hell out of me sometimes.. and he left.... 6 hours later he came home and said he was sorry...he was his sweet self.. he took me out to dinner we watched a movie... and he knew he did wrong.. he was very sorry... he knew he did wrong.. but It scares me... he has never touched me... but Im afraid one day the aggression on the walls will be me... I love him so much... and I know im not perfect... I know I aggrivate him at times.. but he does me to... a simple fight between two people in a relationship is going to happen... but he turns them into that...
Im sure I can be a b!tch sometimes... I know I can be a little over bearing when it comes to other girls... but this is'nt how anyone should react...
is this the beginning of a abusive man??? and if so... what can I do???
or am I the bad person???
Edited 1/2/2006 8:48 pm ET by i_village_people
Edited 1/2/2006 8:56 pm ET by i_village_people

Hi, i_village_people, and welcome to the board.
Mama Harmony
thank you
Sorry to be blunt, but nothing you described sounds at all healthy and normal. And it certainly didn't sound like just a brief moment of bad judgement on his part either. It sounded like a serious character flaw which is likely to get worse with time. These guys can be as sweet as can be when it suits them. And when they don't want to be, certainly don't demand it. You are expected to just deal with it, simply because in their minds your feelings don't really count. I can pretty much guarantee you that if you stick around with this guy that there will be many many more episodes like this in the future. Unfortunately, often is the case that the episodes become more frequent as they get older, but who can say.
Regarding throwing things and doing damage to even objects, THAT IS SIMPLY NOT NORMAL. A normal person would have realized that their level of anger was rising too high and stopped themselves before they get to that point. In fact, a normal person would be a bit surprised by feeling anywhere close to that anger level and that itself would cause them to calm down. That sounds like a sign of a person who doesn't feel it is necessary to stop themselves and doesn't care about the consequences to others.
I also feel that the new years party was enormously callous. I don't think it was a bad judgment moment either. I speak from experience since I had the exact same thing happen to me (and same reaction to) on a different holiday. He didn't sound the least bit problemed by doing it to you. In fact, I think a normal person having made a bad judgement would have probably sulked back home early, feeling a bit of guilt and said they were sorry. And, at the risk of sounding very blunt, I also would put money on it that it was not only a boy's night out.
You seem like a level headed person with a good attitude. And it is perfectly normal to question such behaviour and treatment. Best thing to do would see a counselor and discuss your worries and concerns.
ITA with the other posters, People.
There's nothing "healthy" or "normal" about that kind of behavior, hon. Nobody can *make* anybody do anything, and even if you were in a bad mood or whatever, it would still be HIS CHOICE to act like that. And the choice to curse, throw things, whatever, is not an appropriate one for a healthy relationship.
I agree with whoever said that this isn't the start of something bad, the bad is already here. Stuff like "You're so insecure" is Abuser Standard Talk to get you to try and think you're in the wrong, when you're just responding as a normal person would. I can't tell you what to do, butI recommend that you keep reading + posting, and take a long hard look at where things are heading.
Sounds like part of my story. Mine is has more things involved in it.But
defenetly I an understand the fear when one throws things around and yells.
My Husband had thrown a baby car seat from one side to the other side of the
room, and he punched his hand real hard on the wall and told me that he is
capable of putting holes in the walls. He also blamed me of being insecure..
Moreover he knows that I do not like to take our arguments outside, so he
constantly threatens me to talk about our arguments with neighbours and everybody.
He is a nice guy, when things are all fine. but occasionally (now they are
very frequent, one a week or once 2 weeks) he is out of his mind..
Nowadays he is trying to cook and clean to please me. But the rest is all the
same.. yelling, his blaming attitude has not changed..
We are at a stage where he is touching me with anger like
grabbing me by my shirt, pulling me, restraining me from moving...
I am sorry you are going thru this. I am also
new here, trying to get some help too. I sincerely hope things will get
better. It is very hard to think of things falling apart. But I guess we have
to be ready to make a decision if things do fall apart to the worse..
My sympathies..
Spea
THank you,
sounds alot alike... hopefully we can get through this... us... and us and our SO's....
since ive posted this he has been fine.... I know things could go wrong at anyttime... and it has only been a week...
I just know im not a week women and none of us are...
so theres no need for this stuff....
I just don't understand whats wrong with him....
its strange for a man to suddenly act like that... when normally he's good... and then it just becomes more frequent... like a pit bull...
maybe he is insecure... but I dunno why?
hope everyones doing great....
:)