Being alone
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| Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:00pm |
Thanks to the people who responded to my earlier post, Drawing Strength. I value your feedback. He's been really sweet the past couple of days, and I feel my strength waning. Of course, the other shoe could drop at any minute. I still feel that knot in my stomach nearly all the time, and it's even present when I'm not with him, because it takes so little to set him off and I find myself worrying about it a lot.
The thing is, in evaluating myself, I think I know why I'm having trouble breaking it off. Even though I hate his actions when he's like that, I REALLY hate feeling like I'm all alone in this world. That is my worst fear, whether or not it "should" be. It's just how I am. If I break it off with him, I'll feel like I have no one. The weird thing is, I am actually a very popular gal who makes friends wherever she goes. But I feel like those relationships are very superficial. I want someone I can talk to on a deeper level, share things with, etc., and he is that person to me. Ironically, I still can't share EVERYTHING with him because it will cause him to criticize, yell, etc. but he's still the best thing I've got. I've tried to rationalize that once I'm free of him, someone better might be out there for me. But- on the other hand- maybe not- and then I'm alone, which makes me scared to break it off, and so the cycle continues.
Can anyone else here relate to this feeling? If so, what did you do to get past it? I am working on developing some new activities on my own as a start (of course, now he's complaining that I don't have enough time for him- he expects me to be available to him most of the time- and if I'm not, that means I must be cheating). I just started reading "The Emotionally Abused Woman" because I identify with a lot of the stuff in that book (and he fits in with the profiles of an abuser, too). Does anyone here have any comments on that book?

Hi -
No comments on the book, but what you are experiencing (and fearing) are probably one of the more common things we hear.
CL-Blueliner4
I am so overwhelmed by your wonderful message back to me. It has taken me a few days to digest it all! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are absolutely, 100% correct in everything you said. I feel like I have so far to go, but I have to remind myself that I can do it, and hopefully with the support of the folks on this board, it will help, too.
I started working on the lists. I completed his, and there were about 3 times more things that I disliked than I liked. You were right. And, I noticed that a lot of things on the "like" list were kind of unimportant (like his smile). Conversely, the things on the "dislike" list were very important (e.g. "he scares me"). So, that was an eye-opener, too. I am going to start on the hard list- the one about myself- tonight.
He really put me through the ringer yesterday. Thursday night I had told him I'd help him with a minor project of his during the day, in between my other obligations. But I'd forgotten I had to take my son to a doctor's appt. It really wasn't a big deal because my son's appt was for very early and my BF is never ready early. But, yesterday he just so happened to get up early, and he was so PO'd that I couldn't come over right away- even though we had never agreed on a time for me to come over or anything. He even outrightly asked me "What's more important- your son's health or helping me out?" I actually thought he had to be joking to ask such a stupid question, and I said my son's health. (Never mind that by the time of this conversation, my son's appt was done, and I was outside the grocery store getting ready to buy my BF's supplies for his project). I apologized profusely for inconveniencing him, and told him that I was at the store buying his stuff, so everything was fine now. But he was so livid- he hung up on me, then called me a few moments later to guilt me out, criticize me for things he perceived I have let him down on in the past, tell me I'm no good, compare me to other women, etc.
I got him his stupid supplies, but I was mad. I decided I wasn't going to call him back to try to smooth things over like I usually would. I kept thinking about your post and about how he was being totally selfish to be telling me how awful and unhelpful I am- even at the very moment I was shopping for him!- and how he was horrible to think my son's health was less important than him. I'd made myself available to him for as much as possible that day. So I didn't call. After waiting for me to call for about 45 minutes, he called me, and threatened to end our relationship because of my "communication problem". I think he was mad that I didn't cow-tow to him, and probably surprised that I didn't call him. Then he proceeded to threaten and criticize until I was crying. He wouldn't let me talk or defend myself. By the end of that conversation I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I couldn't go to one of my obligations because I was a total wreck.
I ended up succumbing and went to his house and helped him with his project instead of doing the stuff I had to do. When I got to his place, he was all nicey-nice like nothing had ever happened, and I was still completely in tears. He denied saying what he'd said- claiming he'd "meant" something else. I think he was just happy because he succeeded in getting me to do what he wanted. Later that night, he told me that he was sorry he'd hurt me, but since I was so emotional, he could tell that I really loved him and that meant a lot to him. I'm so confused at this point, I don't even know what to think. I had been feeling proud of myself for taking a small stand with him, but I also feel very weak because I still succumbed and ended up doing what he wanted anyway. By the end of the day, he was saying all sorts of nice things to me- how beautiful I am, how wonderful I am, how he wants to be with me forever, etc. When he's mean, his words shred me inside like nothing else can. But when he's nice, he says the absolute nicest things I've ever heard. It really makes me confused.
Anyway, sorry to ramble. I know it will take time and strength to get out of this. Thank you again so much for your post. It truly meant a lot to me, and I find myself already referring back to it quite a bit.
You are absolutely welcome.
Actually, your post is very good, because you have detailed very well what conditioning is by telling us about this incident.
CL-Blueliner4
First - anewme - I don't mean to hijack your thread, it has, as blue said, been very well written to descibe the manipulation tactics that are used - which has led me out of my lurking to post.
Blue - Thank you for taking this incident and spelling it out as you did. This is what I dealt with, probably would still be dealing with if I hadn't given up. You see, in the beginning, especially, this is how he got to me. He absolutely showed all the signs of a manipulative and insecure and thus controlling person. Me, being the young and naive girl, was "smitten" that someone would be so "taken" with me, how could I possible reject him? I mean, all he had to say to me was "I want to be with you all the time because I love you so much". Well, if ANY of this information had been available to me 25 years ago, I would have realized how wrong that one statement was - along with a million others.
But my ramble today is this - I continue to feel that it is wrong of me to hold that long ago past against him. AND, I can't seem to find it in me to "separate" myself enough from him to "cause" those tense times to happen again. I don't want the stress of them. This all tells me that I am so brainwashed and conditioned by him that I may never see the light of my own day!! BUT - it is posts like this one that reassure me that I'm not crazy, that HE did and continues to have some sort of "hold" over me that I have yet to figure out and break. I've begun to realize that I seem to be in need of his approval, that I want him to be ok with me and what I choose and like and so on. Yet I know, that if the true me speaks up, he won't be in approval. He will go into that sulky pouty mode that he has - all in the attempt to manipulate me into letting go of whatever it is I "dared" to mention. When will I not care about his approval? How do I get myself to stop needing, no wanting it? How do I not be concerned with the stress that will come when I have a differing thought? How do I learn to handle confrontation? You see, I'm not concerned with any physical abuse, he has never laid a hand on me or even threatened to. He is wimpy - he knows that would seal his fate, I've never been physically afraid of him. He doesn't throw things or hit things or anything physical. I just don't see a way out of this.
Sorry this got long. I guess I needed to ramble on a bit. Thanks, yet again, for listening.
ples
"Even though I hate his actions when he's like that, I REALLY hate feeling like I'm all alone in this world."
You will come to feel MORE ALONE by staying with him, than to really be alone, on your own. You have to be true to yourself, to your feelings. When I felt trapped in my abusive relationship, I came to hate myself for not being strong enough to end it. It was fear that kept me with him. Every time he hit me, I had to suppress my feelings in order to cope. Now that I am alone, all of those suppressed feelings are starting to surface. I stay connected to these boards to help me get through it.
Just remember this: you are never alone! You have friends on these boards, your family,
and other people in your life who care about you.
You are in my prayers.
Barbara
I usually post on the Abandonment board since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me in July.
Your description of your bf was identical to my situation so I had to comment. My ex was moody and pouty when he didn't get his own way. He demanded that I spend my time with him and hated me spending time alone or with family. I can't tell you what a favor he did by dumping me in July. He dumped me because his parents hate me because of horrible things he told them I did 6 years ago and they have never gotten over it, been outwardly rude, mean and hostile right in front of him. Anyway, I digress.
It's a vicious cycle. My ex's mother does the same thing to him that he did to me. If she doesn't get her way then she pouts and won't speak to him for days. She wouldn't speak to him for a week if she saw my car in the driveway because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. He in turn feels guilty and does whatever she wants (including dumping me) because he doesn't want her to be mad. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I'm glad to be out of the relationship. It is amazing how much more time, energy and positive thoughts I have now that I no longer have someone sucking me dry. Nothing I did was ever enough. I agree with the last poster. Towards the end I felt so alone in the relationship and just a shell of a human being. It affected my work, my family, my sanity. I was no longer the outgoing, bubbly girl I used to be. I no longer accepted invitations for us from friends because he "hated" all my friends. They were immoral or stupid or liberals or ...whatever. The invitations stopped coming and most of my friends wrote me off. I don't blame them. I chose him over myself and everyone else because otherwise he would be mad, hang up on me, tell me how stupid I was, not speak to me for a week, tell me that we should break up...some type of punishment. Eventually I just gave up the fight and did the "yes dear," which of course then he accused me of being passive aggressive. There is no winning w/that idiot.
Later he would always apologize for being mean, but if I didn't do x....then he wouldn't have to be pissed at me. Such classic abuse. I recognized the abuse from the very first date, because I had an abusive boyfriend 20 years ago but the abuse was physical. I thought I had done all the work to avoid another one but apparently not. With my ex I thought that I could help him out since he was clearly depressed over his life. Same old song and dance pattern.
I never thought I could kick the habit w/him, but I am so glad I did. I feel so liberated and so alive . Being alone definitely feels good to me right now and my self esteem is coming back faster than I thought. Be good to yourself, you sound like a wonderful, caring person.
Hi there,
I just read all of these posts and your description about being alone is EXACTLY how I feel. It sounds as if you are married - i am not, but have been living w/my bf for 3+ years now - and its like my gut knows what needs to be done but my mind won't react. I am afraid of even threatening to leave again b/c I did once and it only lasted a week. And the cycle is SO similar to what I go through----its constant criticism for what i want to do if it isn't what he wants. If I want to go out on a night he doesn't, he judges it and says how lame it is that I am friends with people younger than me, that I am not that young and shouldn't do things with them (completely hypocritical, b/c he does the same thing). anywya, would like to talk more but have to go right now