Is being controlling being abusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Is being controlling being abusive?
11
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:48pm
Is being controlling being abusive?

For example telling you who its ok to talk to associate with be friends with...Having to let him know where you are at all times?

What if he is overly supicious due to the way women in his life before you acted and can be jealous to the point to where you feel slightly degraded ie he sniffs your underware when you come home from work, doesnt let you make a phone call without him in the room. Be on the computer to send an email And you personally never cheated on him.

Is this abuse? Even if he isnt calling you bad names, or hitting you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:00pm

Short answer:

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:33pm
I totally agree with blue. This guy has MAJOR issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:36pm
If you have yes answers for the lethal checklist does that mean you should be seriously worried? That maybe he will become violent?

I answered 6 of them with a yes, 6 applied.

Weve been married almost 10 years hes never hit me, I am just so tired of feeling like this. I am really confused.


Edited 10/6/2004 1:40 pm ET ET by kimmerkinsmommaof3


Edited 10/6/2004 1:54 pm ET ET by kimmerkinsmommaof3

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:55pm

At this point, I would be extremely worried that he has the potential to kill you if you're answering yes to anything on that checklist.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:03pm
Personally, I think yes. Of course I think ANY sign of an emotionally disturbed person would cause me concern. Not neccessarily, "Oh my God he's gonna kill me" concern. More "I better watch my back and change up my routine" concern.

My ex sent me an email that contained, "I hope you burn in hell for being such an itch." His spell check screwed him over but I got the point and had the locks changed just to play it safe and he was a state away. Anyway, I think you understand what I'm saying.

When it comes to your safety and someone who isn't emotionally stable better safe then sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:20pm
Thank you I have 3 sons I am more worried about at this point I think than me. He has attempted sucide before and is a big advocate of the I love so much I would kill you before see you with anyone else etc.. I never took him seriously though I just thought that was part of the jealousy.

My family is only my mom and her take on this is he could be beatin on your or sleeping around. Its not that bad. She doesnt like him. She says there is alot worse out there though.

I might talk to my employer I work in a hospital (but dont have insurance lol) maybe I should talk to a counsler or social worker. I dont think letting him know about it would be a good ideal. The last time I tried counsling he didnt like it.

Thanks agian
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:57pm

No, and you're right.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:00am
If he had a woman who cheated on him you need to get him help, which will help you by resolving the foundation for the "abuse" you are experiencing. He doesn't want to go through the same pain again and is desperately trying (feeble attempt I admit) to prevent that from happening.

Instead of putting a PFA against him and calling the police on him, try getting him help first. IF that fails, then resort to the other options available to you.

If you really want to help him, you'll find a way to get him to admit he needs it so the first step is over and done with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 8:37pm
The types of behavior you described are most definitely abusive. Mental and emotional abuse are just as bad if not sometimes worse, than physical abuse. When a person feels such a strong need to have complete control over you, they may be trying to cover up their own insecurities. A quote for the controller, "What you fear, you create."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:47pm
I read this and I want to scream "NO NO NO!"

I had that mindset for nine years. He needs help. If I am just supportive enough and just talk and cajole him enough he will get counseling and get better. If I just point out how hurtful his behavior is to me and the kids, because he loves us, he will feel our pain and want to change.

What I got was empty promises and anger. Someone who made fun of me when I was sad, told me that I or my DS was to blame for his abuse (if you would just stop _________ I wouldn't do that) and who just didn't care that he was hurting us.

Neither kimmerkins, nor anyone in an abusive or any kind of relationship, can be completely responsible for the other person's well-being. You'll bury yourself in despair trying. She can't "get him help" He has to do it himself. He at least has to ask for it. The only thing she can do is take care of herself, find her own strength and self confidence. If that influence prompts him to get help, then great. But the truth is that most times, that confidence gives a victim the clarity to get out, which in most cases I've seen here, including my own, is the best thing anyway.

My 2 cents. (Maybe more like a nickel.)

MG

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