Big Humongous Red Flags!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Big Humongous Red Flags!!!
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:02pm
Hi!! How is everyone? Well just a brief catch-up, I am still with M (my bf of going on 6 years) and still no word from E. I'm writing in hopes of getting some refreshing feedback, you guys always put things into words so well! There is this guy I met online, I was asking him about some electronic equipment (I knew him from a previous message board). Don't worry, I am not interested in him! In fact, I wouldn't be with him if he were the last guy on earth; sorry if that sounds mean, but it's true! Anyways, this guy is SMITTEN with me. He was down here on business this past weekend, so I saw him a couple of times at this music festival thing. But anyways he is convinced he is in love with me (after seeing me a couple of times), claims I am PERFECT, says I am his DREAM, and a whole lot of things that E said as well. He knows I have a bf. Any time I try to tell him no, I am not perfect, you don't know me, etc. He just refuses to believe me. He absolutely insists I am perfect. We don't really talk on the phone, but when he sends me IM it is all he ever says it seems. It is a little scary, and frustrating as hell. These are definite potential abuser signs, imo, but for some reason I feel it is unfair to assume he might be abusive. But I know he must have some issues if he thinks he's in love with me, he knows absolutely nothing about me. But he says, over and over, he would do anything to have me, etc. He doesn't say these things in a threatening manner or anything, but I guess you never know right? So anyone have any feedback as to what on earth is behind this behaviour? TIA
Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:12pm
Hi Ravegods. Yes, those red flags are flapping in the breeze............

From all the hot air he is blowing. He sounds like he is infatuated with you, and he is continuing with this in an attempt to keep your attention, in addition to trying to flatter you. Personally, I would restate that you are flattered, but you are very happy with your boyfriend, and not interested in anything other than friendship, but not on this level. YOU have to set the boundary lines, and reinforce them if he crosses them. If he continues, you can block his IM's, along with any other communication. Not setting those boundaries sends him a signal that you "may" be interested, and that type will pursue until you stop it. The longer it goes on, the more he will persist.

Good Luck!


Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:35pm
Hey Ravegods,

I agree, and I think that there are two possiblities here:

#1 - He wants to get down your pants. Not every man who comes on really strong is going to be controlling or abusive. A lot of them will just screw you and then totally get over their idea that you are perfect!

#2 - He has major issues and has the potential to be abusive because he is needy and unrealistic. I mean, I know that you are awesome, but the guy is building you up in his head for a different reason. There could be many possibilities, but none of them come down to a genuine interest in you as a person. Be careful because it can be really tempting to encourage this attention as a way to somehow "make right" everything that happened with E.

And let me get on my soapbox for a minute... M has been through enough, honey! Don't make the poor man suffer through a flirtation of yours. He's stood by you and if he really treats you well, think twice before risking it. I know that you're being firm and telling the new guy that you aren't interested, but the fact that you are comunicating with him is a grey area. Try to put yourself in M's shoes and think if you'd have a problem with him reacting to a smitten girl the way that you are reacting to this guy.

I know, especially after having your self-esteem bruised by an abusive relationship, it can feel good to get that kind of attention. It is good practice to just cut it off and not think twice about it. Like Mizlizzy said, set your boundries. You are a great person and you don't need to be the object of someone's idealized fantasy to prove it!