A bit of an update ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
A bit of an update ....
4
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 8:40pm

Yesterday, i truly thought ... "THIS is the day i am going to lose it". I broke down in hysterics, more than once.

Of course the day started w/ our RO hearing being cancelled & re-scheduled for March 7th, at the same time as the temporary divorce orders hearing. Then the fish died & dd was a wreck, crying for Daddy. Then the dog vomited at LEAST 4 times on my rug. Then another fish died. Then Ave was getting so worked up over the death of the fishes, she was terrified to look at the tank OR at our elderly cat ... still is a bit today!

Then my atty called & said that STBX was offered the supervised visitation for one AM this weekend, & he REFUSED! *This* is when i lost it. DD really needs to see him. I talked w/ her counselor & she told me that "children this age cannot comprehend that someone really IS coming back into their lives, or really BELIEVE it, when they cant see them". His excuse ... was that his atty was out of town (for another week 1/2) & he didnt want to do anything "against the RO, w/o his attys advice". He apparently told his brother that he thought my atty was offering it to trick him, & it may be illegal for him to accept. Now on one hand i can SEMI-understand his concern, but PLEASE, would my atty offer something ILLEGAL? & then would his atty's office contact him to offer it? NO! So i dont know if this was the real reason ... OR ... & i dont doubt it, this was his way to get back at me. He has not ONE ounce of control over me left ... except this. I hemmed & hawed, & i finally had to go with my gut & I called his brother & i said exactly this "M had refused a supervised visit, at a very comfortable mutual freind house, for this weekend w/ A. She is devestated not seeing him b/c her fish he gave her died today. I dont know exaclty WHY he is refusing the visit, but this is NOT about me & him, this is about HER. She NEEDS to at least see him once. She should not have to wait another 2 weeks till the next court date. This is VERY hard on her, & she has a little calendar she has been checking off the days till she sees Daddy, & she is not going to understand why she still cant. If he continues to decide not to see her, for now, until his atty is back in town, i will let her beleive that this is still "b/c the judge hasnt decided yet", but he needs to think about HER, not me, not him." BIL suppossedly agreed & then i hear he called M's sister to see if she coudl talk any sense into him. So far, he still is refusing.

Later that afternoon she asked me when i would have a baby so she could be a big sister. TOO QUICKLY, w/o really thinking how fragile she was lately, i said "Honey, i cant have one right now w/o a husband". Her little face was in SHOCK. Even though i have explained we wont be married, she was shocked. & she said "Dont say that! That scares me!" I apologized & said that it was ok to be scared, but we would all be ok & we all still love her so much.

Then, i offered her to go see her cousleor again "sometime" & she asked to go see her counselor "right now". The ANGEL of a lady, made her a late appt at 5pm. Ave asked that i stay with them & i did. One of the 1st things she told the tx was "My fishes died today & i was so sad". She talked about her feelings, while she played w/ toys, saying "My belly is angry & scared about mommy & daddy being broken up & about my animals dying". Later they talked about "good things to think about" & Ave said that her good thing was "My Daddy & how we always snuggle together & i lie on his belly & i think about that every day. & he calls me his "Dolly" or "My love" & i like to lie with him a lot". & at the end, she said she wanted to come back to the tx again "some day". So thats good.

& we get home ... & FOUR MORE fish were dead. She was sobbing ... she needed a breathing treatment she was so upset! Only 3 were left, & looking pretty lively. 1st thing this AM she said "Please go check the fish, i cant look". They were still ok thankfully. I found out that my PH & ammonia were sky high. So i think we fixed it.

Her sitter came today & the 1st thing Ave said was "I have a secret, my mom & Dad broke up, & all my animals are dying" ... aye aye aye. The kid is gonna need PROZAC after this week! & all day she kept saying "OMG! Go check the cat, is she ok?" (she is 16).

But she is better tonite ... excpet she has told me "Dont say ANY words that mean dying or sickness. Not barf, kill, sick, or gone". I had to try not to laugh ;)

I had my therapy session today .... ya THINK i needed it? Anyway, i feel better today. Whats meant to be is meant to be. If he decides to take the visit, the better for Averey. & if he doesnt, there is a reason for everything & i cant control what he does (it may seem like i was trying, by getting him to visit with her, but i was doing what i thought was best for her right now).

Well, i guess this is a little more than a "bit" of an update! Thanks for reading this far! R~

Oh, just ONE more thing! I plan to keep the RO on me for a long time ... it is SO freeing & almost easy to be able to stay strong in my decision, without him being able to contact me. Originally of course, & still somewhat, it was the fear of him coming after me, but now its almost as much to protect my emotional status b/c if he coudl, i know he would be playing on my sympathies, & i coulnt take that right now ... & WONT! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 11:07pm
I have the same experience with my ex. Abusers are selfish to the core, they do everything as it suits them, they have no consideration for anyone but themselves, including their own children. My ex has promised things and doesn't come through. Because things that suited him better came up. Never mind the promises he made weeks ago. I don't think your ex was really scared that he was being tricked, if he was he would contacted an attorney for solid advice and them kept the visitation meeting like any normal caring father would. But you're right, you can't control him, don't even worry about it. I tell my older one all the time not to take anything her dad says seriously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 12:31am

1) Start documenting.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 1:31pm

Thanks guys, & TODAY? I feel great! I have heard 2 things, i am sure, the 1st of many to come, that people have said about him since i have finally left him. It sure looks like everyone ELSE saw it ... it just took ME a while!

Yes, i will totally document EVERYTHING & let him hang himself. & since i am aiming for sole custody, then this may help.

I hate to think he is doing this on purpose to get to me, & i truly still beleive that he will be the father he can be ... but i know you guys have seen WAY more of this than I have, so my gaurd is up. & to give you a giggle like you told us about, a few months ago STBX was berating me about something or other, & 4 yr old dd said "Daddy! You need to go back to school to learn to be nice to people!" hehehe & she also said to him once, which was sad, but good for her! "Daddy! You had better start being nice ot my Mommy or you will have to go find a NEW wife & a NEW daughter". Out of the mouth of babes.

& as for the BPIA fish tank ... i know! Ugh. It *IS* only a 10 gallon, so its not too bad. & as much as i want to NOT replace the otehr 4 fish, for her emotional status, i have to. They are suppossedly "at the fish doctor" waiting for me to pick them back up. lol

& as for the visitation issues, i CANT control what kind of father he is & will be. Its hard for me to let go of control, since i have pretty much had a lot of it (financail, & belive it or not, emotional to some extent with him) during our marriage ... & of course, most of which was co-dependant control ... but i was basically his mother. Ick. I will just have to wait & see what happens. & help Averey thru it the best I can. She WILL be ok. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:00am

Girl you are so much happier, aren't you? You even have the ability to make me laugh even when I don't want too!!! You're doing great and I think about you everyday!!!

HUGE HUGS!!!!

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