black sheep
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black sheep
| Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:35pm |
This may sound like the same old question, but I don't think I have put it this way before.
I think that I wasn't ready to cut contact with my mom when I did. By doing so, it seems I have been alienated from my family. I hardly talk to my dad, or my brother. It's true that I used to talk to my mom the most. I just really depended on my abusive family! I guess in a way it does feel like betrayal to admit that there was all this abuse and it was hurtful. Should I have maintained *minimal contact* just some conversations, etc. I guess if I'm honest I know that contact isn't great... I would never have gotten much support & would have had to put up with a lot of control/verbal & emotional abuse.
So I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that I did the right thing. But what about support? I don't want to tell most people about my family because I think they would judge me because of it. Where do I get support (besides support groups, etc. which I have thought of)?
I guess I know that I should open up & not be afraid to tell people. But I have been judged because of my family before - it does happen. Also, as far as my extended family goes, nobody will cut off anyone for being an abuser because "they're people too." How can someone deal with that?
I think that I wasn't ready to cut contact with my mom when I did. By doing so, it seems I have been alienated from my family. I hardly talk to my dad, or my brother. It's true that I used to talk to my mom the most. I just really depended on my abusive family! I guess in a way it does feel like betrayal to admit that there was all this abuse and it was hurtful. Should I have maintained *minimal contact* just some conversations, etc. I guess if I'm honest I know that contact isn't great... I would never have gotten much support & would have had to put up with a lot of control/verbal & emotional abuse.
So I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that I did the right thing. But what about support? I don't want to tell most people about my family because I think they would judge me because of it. Where do I get support (besides support groups, etc. which I have thought of)?
I guess I know that I should open up & not be afraid to tell people. But I have been judged because of my family before - it does happen. Also, as far as my extended family goes, nobody will cut off anyone for being an abuser because "they're people too." How can someone deal with that?

This is something that everyone leaving a relationship of any kind, healthy or not, has to deal with.
CL-Blueliner4
TRUE friends stick by you irregardless.
Hi Crimson,
I grew up in an abusive family. That was one reason I never recognized my STBX as being abusive. When Wendell and I split I started spending more time with my family. That was like stepping right back into the boiling pot. At first they were supportive, but as time went on I started realizing that everything was ok as long as I did what they wanted and acted how they wanted. My behavior pattern wasn't changing, I was still in the "pleasing" mode. I love my family and still have contact with them, but it is on my terms, not theirs.
Remember, no one has a right to judge another person. We are all special people and have a right to think and do how we feel. That is what life is all about. Once you start realizing this and opening yourself up a little, you will be surprised of the strength in you. Also, consider counseling...make sure they are trained in DV.
At first, I felt like I had to try to explain to people what happened, but as time goes on you realize it is not worth it. You end up wasting too much mental energy on something you cannot change. There is to justification for what went on, so why waste all those precious moments on worrying about what someone else thinks.
Terry