blue - here's my update
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| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:20pm |
First, I want to say that I can't access ivillage from work - which is why I have stopped posting. My time on the computer at home is limited and I have to have time to clear the history. I really don't want my H stumbling here and reading all I have to say. And there in lies a major part of my problem. HE would be upset, so I don't tell him the truth. And that is probably how I ended up married to him and it is 24 years later.
I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned the co-worker that I have been emotionally involved with and it has been physical at times - limited - but none the less - some physical stuff has happened that shouldn't have. He is also married. He is a womanizer. He is also an abuser. But a different sort from what my H may be. I have had a really horrible couple of weeks - ok, maybe months. I have tried to ignore and squash all my feelings to get through this. My life maybe wasn't joyous and wonderful before, but it has been very sad and depressing since I realized that my relationship with my H is not healthy. Ok, that it is abusive.
Last week, I received a call from my sister, but I didn't know who it was because this person was crying so much I couldn't understand them let alone figure out who they were. After talking for a minute, I realized who it was. She said she had left work upset and went home and was drinking. She also takes anti-depressants and had just started anothter new one in addition to what whe was already taking. I became concerned. I hung up and made a couple of calls then called her back. I went to her house with the intention of taking her to the ER and trying to get her admitted in the psych ward because I was concerned if she was suicidal and her doctor had said the same. BUT - because she had been drinking - they kept her waiting until she sobered up, had the therapist on staff chat with her, gave her the names of some other therapists and sent her home. I do believe I handled this situation the best that I could. You see, I know I can't help her emotionally, so I took her to where she could get her own help.
But it sure stressed me out. And add to that, I have been trying to end this co-worker thing, but I don't really want to because at times he can make me feel so good - but I see where that is wrong - you see my feeling good should come from within me - not from someone else. Yet when I have a day like to day where he is totally silent towards me - goodness does that ever hurt. I know that I shouldn't have sent him anything saying that I felt he had been abusive towards me today -but I did. He tried to hit on me yesterday afternoon and I was in no mood, I told him I wouldn't be nice, that I was feeling nasty - he took nasty to mean sexually nasty - I meant mean, cruel nasty. He tried to get me to talk about it, I told him it was better if I didn't that nothing good would come of me saying anything. I told him I didn't want to play he came back with you know I care anyway. Yet today - and he sits right next to me with just an open door between us, he didn't talk to me at all, not even about work - anything he needed to ask me he did via e-mail. Which is why I sent him something saying that what he did was the silent treatment and it was abusive and it hurt me. Yeah, looking for validation from the idiot who was dishing it out. Not going to happen.
So you see, I can see abuse when it is "in my face" - why can't I see it with my H? Today while riding home with H, I mentioned about another job and wondered if they'd pay enough so I could switch jobs, he said stop and ask, I said if they hired me I'd have to relocate. He said "uuuhhh, so you relocate." I thought for a minute then commented that I could come 'home' for the weekends, he said I probably wouldn't have weekends off, I said ok,during the week. I swear sometimes it seems like he wants me to leave as much as I do but is just as afraid to say it as I am.
So, blue, I know I may have only vented about crap that has happened in the last few days, but that is my life. I would really like to not feel and just hang in this for about 5 more years until my son is done with school. Who knows, maybe my son will go to a vo-tech school then I can live anywhere and not worry about school systems. I just can't bring myself at this time to even think about leaving. I figure I'll work on paying down the bills, self-disipline there big time, and in 5 years, things will be better financially because of that, and my son will be done with school and I suspect my middle daughter will be gone by then, and it will be a lot easier to leave at that point. There won't be any strings keeping me tied to my H. My son will be old enough to decide where he wants to be or he will be in college.
I guess I'm not prepared to give up the quality of my life as it is. And it isn't always bad. I know the emotional needs are not being met, they have never been met. I am co-dependent even though he isn't an alcoholic. I try to control things around him to make sure he is comfortable - and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. He has gone back to his doctor, on his own, and gotten an anti-depressant for himself. We'll see how that goes. Maybe if he seems to get his act together and doesn't seem so needy of me, I can do something to take care of me.
I'll try to post more often, I miss you guys/gals so very much - but began to feel that I was doing a lot of complaining and not taking any action. But I do think I am doing something. There are baby steps that have happened. I recognize so much as controlling and manipulative, yes, abusive, but I think that I feed into it to a certain amount. Doesn't justify how he is, but I can see the dynamics of it all. He is needy, I want to be needed, yet not clung to. He is clingy so he clings. I will continue to read and learn all I can about abuse and perhaps the day will come that I will be able to tell my story of how I finally got free.
I have the choice of free will,I just have to learn how to use it.
Thank you so much for caring about me. I know this post was long and very scattered, I hope that you make some sense out of it and I hope that many of you have something to say about what you see and read here, sometimes, when I ramble others pick up on things that I have missed.
It is without a doubt this board that has brought me to see the abusive ways of so many people and I know that it will be because of this board that I eventually am free of my H. I am for sure recognizing the abuse and I am now dealing with it. For that I am grateful to everyone here, past, present and future.
Hugs to you all - my prayers are with so many that I have met here.
Pam

Or else maybe you're still there because it's a case of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't".
Hi Pam -
Wow, there's a lot that's going on.
CL-Blueliner4
Tracygrinch! Hi. Thank you.
What do I want to happen in my life?
I want to be able to ask for things I want and not be met with discomfort by the person I'm asking for it from.
I want to not be co-dependent on anyone - and I think that I am with both my H and this co-worker.
I want to not feel I am emotinally struggling all the time.
I want someone who will help pay the bills, instead of leaving them to me then being upset when the bills come in.
I started at the bottom of your reply - yes, "better the devil that I know than the devil I don't".
I didn't think about the co-worker as abusive, until this last incident. Which we have talked about. I know to be careful that he responses may be to keep me hanging on, that I must watch his actions. And I will. I'm on a short week next week, so there will be a long break, which I am looking forward to, I know it will be good for me to not have to sit next to him 5 days a week 8 hours a day.
Tracy - I must be looking for something that I can't find. So, it must be that I need to really work on me. And I am doing that. I know I should stay away from all relationships until I get my act together. This co-worker thing won't go anywhere, I know this. Now I have to let go of my "needing" him and his attention.
ugh, it was a long day yesterday. Today was better. But I do have to watch where I allow my head to go. Boundaries. I working on my personal boundaries.
Ok, I will be trying to post more, not only for myself but for others as well while blue is gone.
thanks tracy
Pam
Blue - I understand you may not see my reply - but I'll post it anyway.
I'm getting a tad bolder when it comes to posting and lurking here. I guess, somewhere inside me I want him to know what I'm feeling and perhaps I'm hoping that he'll catch me.
The co-worker - although I think the potential is there for him to be a total rat, I like him. But I am SEEING things. So, I will continue to see things and keep him at arms distance. I have let all my boundaries down with him as well. But with him, I can communicate. Something I have never been able to do with my H. He, the co-worker, has told me from the first time I mentioned my unhappiness in my marriage has told me to talk to him. I told cw (co-worker) that I did and my feelings were minimized and denied at the expense of H's feelings.
But I've come a long way since that day when I tried to talk to H. I'm not sure how or what I will do, but I've felt for quite awhile that I'm closer to revealing MY thoughts, opinions and feelings to him and I know they won't go over well - so the "fighting" will begin. I think once I get over the hurdle of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around him, and the differences start to really show themselves, that even he won't be able to deny that we aren't suitable together any more.
As I said, my life isn't bad and I'm not in physical danger. If I have to wait a couple more years, I'm ok. But if something comes up before then, I'm ok with that also.
As for him being ok with me relocating - I think he said it knowing I would never consider it because of the kids. If the finances can get to a point that I can afford my own place and he can afford here, and I don't have to worry about school district so that I can live in any of the local towns, then I think I'll be ok with saying "see ya" and going.
I know our friend is scared and exhausted. I am still so proud of what she has done, especially under the pressure that she is. And I understand that to make the choice when you want should be easier than under pressure, I think I need something to push me over the fence. I don't think there is anything he (H) can do that will pull me back to him. I'm sure that with time, he will do something that will push me off the other side. I don't think I can go any other way. Not yet at least. As I said in a few years, when kids are older, yes maybe. But right now? That would be taking care of me and my feelings and "we" don't do that especially when my feelings aren't what he wants. I being sarcastic here, I know that "I" must take care of me and my feelings and stand up for them. Having held my feelings at bay for so long by distraction and keeping busy, I don't know what I feel anymore except suffocated.
And again blue - take care of yourself however you have to - it is setting an example for all of us here. Self care is a wonderful thing and we are responsible for ourselves as much as we choose to be responsible for those we love. I, like so many others, must make the choice to take care of me and be responsible for me and my choices.
hugs to you and you will be in my prayers until I hear from you again.
Pam