blue - wish - - - I'm feeling broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
blue - wish - - - I'm feeling broken
1
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:05pm

blue - wishful - this is ples62. I 'rejoined' with a new name because I trusted someone with my other login name and now I'm hurting and I don't want them to know or read my inner most thoughts or feelings. I made a mistake in telling them. I'm so sad. I mean, for the most part he is very trusting and I KNOW that his intent was not to hurt me. It is how I take it though.

I just want someone to talk to. I need to figure out why I'm stuck. What am I afraid of? Why am I parallyzed into staying here in this marriage that I am SO unhappy in.

I know that I've frequently talked about questioning if my H is abusive and I've come to decide it doesn't matter if he is or isn't - what matters is how I feel. I don't feel love for him anymore. Haven't for awhile. I want to tell him. I really don't think he'll get physically abusive. I know he will become very emotinal. And that is what I can't handle. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave but I'm so down in the dumps right now.

I suppose it is this other "friendship" that has me upset. I know it has been "wrong" but he has been such an emotional help to me in some ways - but I can't continue it. Because I was feeling SO much hurt from that 'relationship' as well - but with him, I could tell him I was mad, or sad, or confused. All the things I should be able to do with my husband but my husband "can't handle". So for 25 years, I suppressed and denied any and all of my feelings. This friend brought out feelings in me that surprised me. Now, I'm hurting all over again.

I'm sure that I'm co-dependent - I'm sure my h is co-dependent. But I can't take care of him any more - I don't want to. I want comfort and empathy and someone to just hold me and tell me it will all be okay. My H can't do that. This friend SHOULDN'T be the one doing that and he hasn't. He, like many here, has told me I must take some action. DO something to take care of me cause no one else is goint to. But, for some reason, I can't do anything. I worry that my H will be upset because I choose me over him - how sad is that? Why am I not important enough to me that I take care of ME first?

please, just talk to me. Find the words that put me into action. I need your help.

hugs,
Pam ( aka ples62)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:31pm

Oh, honey...I'm on the wrong coast otherwise I'd give you a big ol' hug.


Bottom line, and I've said it before, if you're miserable, go.

CL-Blueliner4