Breaking the cycle....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Breaking the cycle....
5
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 7:00pm

I know there are not too many at this board who know who I am. I began posting here quite a few years ago when I was at a point where I just didn't know how to live with the abuse anymore that I was living with. There is so much to tell about my story and I won't take up a whole lot of time to do that. However I will say I have been free from my abuser for 3 years. My divorce will be final (after a few years of legal battles) in approximatly 2-4 weeks. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse daily, hourly..but was also a victim of financial, sexual and the odd physical at the hands of my abuser.
I posted a reply a couple of days ago on this board to someone who was clearly suffering abuse and whose children were victims of the abuse as well. One child was directly a victim the other was a young victim but a victim by being subjected to witnessing the abuse. As much as it hurts me to think about the abuse I went through and each of you on this board have gone through OR are going through...it breaks my heart when there are children involved who have to witness this. When we allow our children to be subjected to this, we are allowing our children to think of it as normal behaviour. Its an awful cycle..and I think of these poor little hearts of children that are suffering. So I thought I would share what I wrote with a few changes to address it to everyone with children not just the poster I replied to. Of course everyone's situation is a little different but in the end its all the same...we and our children are victims of abuse.

"I popped down here from another board called, Domestic Abuse, New Beginnings. I stayed with my abuser for so long..too long ..and my children were hurt mentally, emotionally and verbally too many times by their father. As hard as it is on us..and trust me I know how terribly hard it is...its super hard on those kids...those kids who just deserve to be kids and have happy, wonderful, positive memories of their childhood. Even though my abuser did not physically hurt my children he DEFINATLY without hesitation abused them emotionally and verbally. This abuse is just as wrong and just as painful and just as DAMAGING as physical abuse. I remained with my abuser because I didn't want to put my children though a divorce. I didn't want to hurt them that way. I wanted them to have a perfect life with a perfect family. Truth is...there was nothing perfect about it..and truth is...I was hurting them more by staying and allowing them to believe that "that" was what a marriage was all about. I looked at my now 11 year old son and thought of how proud I am of him and what a good kid he is and then I had visions of him with a wife years down the road...and a wife that he mistreated, disrespected and verbally and a emotionally abused. How proud could I be of my son then?? How proud could I be of raising a son who thought it was normal and ok to treat a woman this way?? I felt sorry for a woman (a daughter in law) whom I didn't know...a woman whom many years down the road would feel the pain I was feeling!! I couldn't allow my son to cause another woman that type of pain. I also have an 8 year old daughter who of course I am very proud of as well...and was horrified to think that she was watching and learning how a man should treat his wife. I didn't want that for my daughter...I was horrified when I thought years down the road..she too would feel the horrible, helpless and overwhelming feeling of being abused by the man who is supposed to love her, respect her and treasure her...NOT degrade her, humiliate her, and strip away every bit of her happiness and self worth she has!! I wanted MORE for my kids. I was afraid of tearing my family apart with a divorce...but began to be more afraid of allowing the cycle of abuse to continue in my children that I love more than anything. I want the best for y children...as most of us mom's do. Please don't allow our husbands, boyfriends, significant others to degrade us and our children anymore. If there are things holding you in the relationships such as finances...safety...fear of the unknown...this board can help you by providing resources and information and best of all...it can provice you with support, understanding and caring people who know exactly what you are going through...and what you are feeling. You are NOT alone...
I apologize for making this so lengthy..I haven't posted to this board for a long time...but I too began at this board...telling my story and reaching for help...just like you are. I just celebrated my 3rd year of freedome from my abuser. There have been some difficult times..financially...emotionally..but my gosh..I'm FREE!!!! My children are going to grow up and know that we need to treat our loved ones with respect and dignity! In fact..my 11 year old son told me the other day, "mommy..i understand why you left dad, you made the right choice." Well that brought tears to my eyes!!
A favorite quote of mine from Dr. Phil is (and i know not everyone likes "Phil" but I think this quote is HUGE..."It's better for children to COME from a broken home, then to be LIVING in a broken home."
This is just a small part of my story...my story of survival...it breaks my heart in a million pieces to think of all the children still living in these homes..to think of ANY children living with ANY kind of abuse. We can prevent this...WE are their parents can prevent our children from having to live with abuse.
If you are considering leaving..let me say this..if I can do it...so can ANY and ALL of you. Its been such a roller coaster of emotions..and still continues to be..but I don't have to live day in and day out with a man like that..nor do my children. My freedom was SOOOO worth it. This board will help you every step of the way...and will offer you a tremendous amount of support and friendship.
I am sorry this is so long..but I felt I needed to tell about my story..and my children...and how happy they are now..and what a difference it has made in their lives...to provide THEM with the freedom I am enjoying!!
God bless all of you...whether you have children or not...no one deserves to live with the abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 7:09pm
Thank you SO much for sharing this with us.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:52am

I'm so glad you brought this up. So many people mistakenly assume that they're doing what's right for the children when they stay in bad marriages, but it's not good for the children at all.

Until I moved out of my parents house, I watched my father act like lord & master over our family every day. He yelled at my mother, berated her, called her names, and she put up with it. If she stood up to him, she got the silent treatment, with him pouting for days. I grew up thinking my mother was an idiot. She had a full time job, and I couldn't imagine her being intelligent enough to do it. At times when I was living at home, I treated her as badly as he did. Thanks a lot, Dad.

My father emotionally abused me as well. His abuse actually was right on the border of sexual abuse. As a result, I ended up being very sexually active at a young age, and my whole sexual identity is really screwed up.

I knew things were messed up at home, but I couldn't figure out how because everything looked great on the surface. Two cars, great house, both parents college educated & working great careers. I felt like a horrible brat. I felt terrible guilt for wanting out of there so bad, but I just knew I had to get out of there before my father screwed me up even more.

Too late. If I'd been taken out of that house when I was still in my teens, then maybe I'd have turned out alright. As it stands now, though, I'll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life.

We've got to look out for the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:17am
I am so sorry ...so sorry that you have had to live through that. You have childhood memories..that sound more like a nightmare. I'm not going to judge and say there wasn't any good times..because perhaps there were positive memories as well...but my gosh..what child deserves to witness that growing up. I think there are ALOT of people who stay in for the sake of the kids..ALOT...and reality is...exactly what you said..its not always the best for the kids. I remember growing up and Christmas eve was such a special night for my family and I. Now that I have children...one of their Christmas eve memories will be of their mother having her shirt torn off of her their dad threw her out the door. We can't continue allowing our children to witness this abuse..and eventually become victims of the abuse either by their father or other men later in their life. You are a perfect example of a child who has witnessed the abuse..and became of victim of the abuse. Why in heaven's name do we allow these men not only to hurt us...but our BABIES!! They can't protect themselves. They certainly don't have a choice at birth what kind of a family they end up belonging to.
Thank you for posting..and sharing what you have gone through..I think your brave for posting about your abuse..and I think your an extremly brave person for enduring all you have endured.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:37am

It truly is a shame when children are witnessed to abuse.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 11:03am

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to talk about these things, but I don't feel brave at all. I spend a lot of time alone because being around people wears me out. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis is enormous.

There were good times when I was living at home, and that's what made it all so confusing. That's what makes the whole domestic abuse cycle maddening. They treat you great one day, and the next day it's all bad again. That's where the guilt comes from, the second guessing we're always doing. Abuse doesn't make any sense. It's crazy making.

I feel really bad for Wishful. She's still got to live with this stuff every day! Stay strong!

I remember writing in one of my notebooks when I was about 18 that I would never, ever treat my kids the same way my parents treated me. I took the easy way out, I guess, by not having kids. I try very hard, though, to treat people the way I want to be treated. Fortunately, I've had lots of loving people in my life since I left home to show me how.