Breaking Through Denial After 11 Years

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Breaking Through Denial After 11 Years
8
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:11am
Although, I recognized the signs of domestic abuse for 11 years, I did not leave my husband. I thought about it. I wanted to. I kept forgiving him. Like someone else's husband in one of the postings on this site, he too suffered a frontal lobe injury in an accident a few years before I met him. I have blamed his problems and issues of control and impulsive reactions to this injury. No more. I don't care what causes him to be the way he is. I want to leave now, and I'm planning my escape, but I am still filled with mixed emotions. I know that I am not "in love" with him anymore, and haven't been for a long time. My husband is jealous, possessive, controlling, opinionated, judgmental, anti-social, and has no focus. He has not worked in nearly 3 years. He inherited 10,000 from his grandmother and that's what he's uses to contribute to our finances. However, he has not sought out a regular job I work 50-60 hours a week in a high-pressured job but my paycheck isn't enough to cover taking care of the two of us. We have argued and argued about this, and I have been burned up with resentment. In the past 11 years, there have been several occassions, when he was drunk or sober, that he has punched me, slapped me, knocked me down, choked me, called me names, threatened to kill me, etc. He treats my son, his stepson, (who is now 18 and off to college) coldly but he has never abused him in anyway. But he is very emotionally distant from him. He does not like to be around my friends ("those people..." as he says). He is extremely critical of everyone. He can be so loving and kind until I don't agree with him about the state of our relationship, then, he'll try to convince me to give it a chance, but he'll grow very angry if I refuse to let go and continue to stand up for myself and ask for him to leave. I have been journaling and practicing meditation and not feeling like fighting with him or being drawn into a fight. Last night, I was dressing for a social engagement we had, and he stated that I wasn't going to wear what I had on. I told him I didn't want to fight. I wanted to feel good, and I would not fight with him period. I was wearing what I wanted to wear. He told me to shut up, stop acting like he was doing something wrong. He's always in denial "Oh, I didn't say that...I didn't do that...I never hit you ever, etc". I am looking for another job, slowly going through personal items, confiding in my girlfriends, and contacting a counselor to help me with the transition. I will not back out this time. I am too unhappy being with him. He has acted this way since we first got married which was after 3 weeks of dating, and it has slowly escalated. He drives me crazy. I used to look at him and get so frustrated that he couldn't be different. He's a very attractive and charming man. I have tried to change him. It's taken me all these years to figure out that I can't and that I deserve a normal relationship (when I am ready again for one). I deserve a man that is not two-faced...kind one moment....acting like he could kill me the next. I am so afraid as I go through this process of leaving.

I will keep you posted. Any advice would help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:20am
Dear cindy1012


I am sorry to hear about your situation and that you are so unhappy. I really dont have much for advice, except my two cents...you seem to have followed your heart and decided enough is enough. I couldnt imagine having to support someone financially and getting critisized as a "thank you". That is just not right. Be proud that you are hard working woman. And I am proud of you for taking the steps to make yourself happy. I hope to be taking those same steps sometime....Keep posting

strength76

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 8:31am
Hugs cindy! I would say that to read this boards homepage would be a good start! It has many good articles and links to help you start your road to freedom. By educating yourself in the dynamics of abuse, you will be able to make solid educated decisions which will get you free far quicker than emotional guesses.

Contact your local shelter network as they provide many services beyond that of a safe house. They can help you find trained counsel, both legal and theraputic, they can help financially if needed. Which ever route you choose to go, make sure that the people you are dealing with are trained in domestic violence, as those that have only handled a couple cases have no idea what you need to get free. If you cannot find a shelter, call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and let them help you find local help. Under no circumstances let your abuser or anyone else try to talk you into couples or marrriage counseling as in abuse, it does not help it usually only makes it worse. That has been proven.

Once you start to find the path you need, stay true to it. We as abuse victims are conditioned for many years that we are needed, but then pushed away, we are loved but then have that love broken, we find ourselves confused and sitting alone in all this, but you no longer are. You have found a wonderful community of people who have been there, are there, who can help you get free.

As you start making your plans, do not talk to your abuser about them, do not tell anyone who may tell him what you are planning to do, as this will only cause you more harm as the abuser tries all different ways of getting you to submit to him once more. Get your papers, birth cert, social security, any papers you will need for you or the children and get them to a safe place. Again, on the homepage you will find lists of what to look for, what to take, how to get free along with the full range of emotions that will haunt you as you try. Those haunts are nothing more than what we've been told in the past, how we couldn't make it, how we aren't worth anything, but we are!

Once you free yourself from him, you will find your finances will start going farther and your life will start to look much brighter. You will also find that when you can look back, you will see how abusers try to isolate us from all who care for us. They don't want their victims around anyone who could help us. Your life will fill with happiness once you get free.

I hope you keep posting here, asking here, venting here! Also on Sunday nights, 7pm EDT, we have live chat for two hours and you are more than welcome to join us if you can.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:09am
Cindy,

First of all...I am very proud that you are taking the steps to help yourself. I am just starting the same as you and have broken through the denial of emotional control and emotional abuse after 13 years. I understand so hang in there, I am going through such a similair situation. I am also learning that they don't even recognize that they are all wrong and do anything and everything to blame anyone else but themselves. I have been seeing a psychologist and looking forward to healing myself and making sure I do that for our children's sake. I hope my soon to be ex recognizes it someday...for our children's sake but he is not my responsability anymore and I have to take care of me (and my chilren) for the first time in my life and stand on my own two feet.

Be stong and good luck to you!!!!!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:52am
I don't have much for advice as well, but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you that you are gathering your confidence and making changes for yourself after all these years of suffering. I have gathered much strength from this board, and I encourage you to do the same, because you surely will need it. This is a huge step! I wish you the best and I hope you keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:30pm
Thank you for all your information. I only recently discovered just how much I have been in denial, accepted that I was in an abusive relationship, it wasn't going to change, and that I needed to move on. It's not easy. I am trying to make the right steps at the right time, and not make him suspicious. But do I just leave my home? Why can't I make him leave? I asked him for a separation. Of course, he doesn't want one, and wouldn't leave, but he was trying to be very sweet, loving, seeking pity and understanding. He promises to change as always. He is very defensive. Tells me to hold on, believe in him, and not give up. I have heard it all before. He hasn't hit me like he did on my birthday two years ago, or like the incidents that happened earlier in our marriage when we were fighting, but he continues to be manipulative, controlling, etc....and I'm not waiting around for the next time he loses control in anger and strikes out at me.

This past weekend, he had tried to prevent me from leaving the house during a fight. I finally got out the door and bolted down the street to my friend's house and stayed over. Now that I want to separate, he is scared. He finally did leave me alone tonight to go to the lake to stay at our other house. I have him to move down there and give me some space, but he is afraid, and he won't leave because he "can't be away from me" and that is what scares me! He won't let go easy. He said he would be back on Friday or Saturday, and he left me a note to say if I wanted to come down, he'd come get me. Of course, I'm not going. I'm using this precious time to take care of myself and figure out the next step. I am tired from two long nights at work, and don't have the strenght to pack up and go to my friends. I don't want to leave my house yet. I want him to leave, but I think it's going to have to me leaving. My brother that lives nearby, and I can stay with him and his girlfriend. I don't think my husband is afraid of my brother, but I don't think he'd come over there. I don't know. I can't predict what he'll do! That's why I won't stay with any of my friends because they all have kids. Plus, he blames them, especially my best friend, M. He said her name with such venom last night that it scared me, and also, it made me realize how much I hated him sometimes. I don't want to hate anyone. I just want out of this relationship, be happy, and for him to be happy somehow if he can, but not with me.

I am capable financially of caring for myself. I have a sucessful career, even though the job I am in now is far too stressful especially under the circumstances of my personal life right now. I am looking for a job in another state back to a field I worked in before I took my current position and am preparing an application for an opening out of the country, but the job wouldn't begin until mid-October. My only fear is leaving my son behind at college. I'm afraid that husband will try to get to me through him. I can't just send him off to another college. He's on a scholarship then, there's his father, my ex-husband, who would never agree to it and pays part of the tuition. I have to figure out how to deal with this situation. Any ideas? If I just let my ex-husband know where I am, he won't bother my son. He won't have any reason, too. I don't think he is capable of hurting my son intentionally just to get back at me, especially since my son is not the issue in our divorce, and hasn't lived at home in the last six months, but has stayed at his dad's to be near his work and girlfriend, or so I think those are the only reasons. I haven't told my son yet what is going on yet, but I know what he thinks of his stepfather and it isn't love. He is not very fond of him, and I know he wants me to be happy.

Yes, I'm worried about a lot of things right now, and just trying to sort through where to begin. I have done the research and have the steps, but there are still worries and gaps in my planning. I haven't called a counselor yet, and I guess I let work get in the way this week. I am a supervisor, and this week's schedule has been brutal. I will call tomorrow. I will make an appointment for next week.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:12am

Hi Cindy -


There's a couple things in this post that are scaring the bejeezus out of me.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 12:41am
My friends and family moved me out this weekend while he was out of town. I asked him several times to move out and he wouldn't. I asked for a 30 day separation just last weekend, and he would not agree. He said it was "his house" but he has NOT WORKED in 2 years. He has contributed money to pay bills through money he inherited from a grandmother that died nearly 3 years ago (10,000) or so I think he has, but I think ran out a lot earlier, and need to check bank statements. He NEVER wanted to discuss money wiht me, how much was in the bank, what was paid.....I didn't even sign my name to the checks for bills...."I'll take care of it," he always said. Of coures, I was working over 40 hours a week (sometimes 60-70 hours) so when I was going to find the time? I appreciated his help, but now I REALIZE I was in the DARK. His friend, Vince, has helped/bailed him out over the last 12 years since H and I have been together. Now he is bailing him out again.....H is filing for divorce, too, against me. I do not know the grounds yet....but I fear alimony is a part of the deal.

Please tell me there is NO WAY I am going to have to pay this wife-abuser alimony?! He has made me crazy for 12 years, and I just want to be free. I don't want ANY of his money coming from another inheritance (other set of grandparents)....all I want is a quick divorce and my half of the house.

How can he divorce me for abandoment when I left out of fear of further violence....I am so afraid right now.....what do I do? The world cannot be so blind!

I am in a safe place right now....thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:45pm

You need legal assistance NOW.

CL-Blueliner4