Called my future counselor today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Called my future counselor today...
2
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:56pm
I've been reading all the responses to my posts. I feel like I am in the dark, but all of your advice is being taken to heart. I had called yesterday to make an appointment with a marriage counselor for next Tuesday evening. After reading your comments, I called the counselor to see if it would be better for us to have seperate counseling. Fortunately, she spent 20 minutes on the phone with me. She reassured me that her speciality was in domestic abuse and that she's been practicing for 18 years. I explained to her about Saturday night, about past times, and about both of our reactions. She was adamant about telling me that this was a straight forward case of abuse. That from the first moment he laid his hands on me that he was wrong - no matter what kind of taunting or egging on he may have received. I was worried that whatever I may have done (hit him back when he urged me too) would have been perceived as a justification for him or that he would feel vindicated in any way. Again, she insisted that whether or not I struck back or even if I walked away, that I was still bound to get hit. I cried at just being able to vocalize my problems to someone - and to someone who is impartial and supportive. This was such a baby step in the road to recovery, but huge to me in breaking my silence. I'm still scared, nervous, angry, and sad. My H is still flip flopping in his reactions. One moment he is so sorry and loving, the next he is angry at me for not getting over it yet. We argued last night because he couldn't understand why I am still mad. He told me that if I wanted to see abused women, then I should watch Jenny Jones. When I asked how my bruises and cuts were different from theirs, he had no response. He taunted me about whether or not I was the abuser and if I wanted to hit him now. I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom again. He came in to apologize again. He said that if we don't try mending things between us, then we might cause too big of a riff. I can't believe how text book his reactions are. He fits perfectly into the abuse cycle. He so wants to be in the seduction phase, but I won't let him. I suppose I'll continue this week being angry, to crying, to just plain sad. I really am looking forward to therapy. She (therapist) even gave me her cell phone # in case I need it. If Sheryl is reading, I want to thank you for sharing your similar story with me. I feel ridiculous for having this serious a problem 3 months into my marriage. But, there it is. I'm sorry you are going through it as well. It helps knowing I'm not alone though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:59pm
Wow, you've lucked out. And please, GO ALONE. Do not, whatever you do, bring your H to the counseling session. By having him in the session, it will only give him more ammo to throw back at you. The embarrassment will fade, so will your bruises. You'll be fine, girl.

Gabby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:02pm
Hello! Yes, I read your post and was happy to know you read my response to yours. First, let me say Congratulations to you for seeking therapy! I'm sure it was really hard for you. I called a Domestic Abuse Hotline one night at the urging of the women here so I could get a referral for a therapist and I ended up crying on the phone with the woman for 1/2 an hour. It truly is a tough thing to come to terms with. Sometimes, even knowing the things he does are just downright crazy, I still wonder if I'm the crazy one...even when I know in my heart that it just can't be true.

I feel that we have so much in common because we've only been married a short period of time. It just seems so hard to think about getting a divorce when we've hardly even been married. At first, I absolutely refused to even think about it, then I waivered ever so slightly, then I went back to refusing, now I'm actually thinking that it may be the only way to go. I don't know if you're aware of the "honeymoon stage" where everything seems wonderful and there are no outbursts, physical assaults, etc., where he is loving, kind, romantic, etc....Well, my H and I (I used to call him my DH, by the way) were in it for several weeks, so I thought my life was back on track and that I would finally be happy. That ended this past weekend, and led me to the stage I'm in now.

My H responds just like yours does, by the way. One day he feels sad for what he did and calls himself a jerk, then the next day I'M the abuser (because I've hit him too and yelled like a madwoman when I couldn't take it any more) and I'm the "whacko". He goes back and forth just like your H. It drives me absolutely nuts!!!!

Anyway, I have to leave work now, but good luck with therapy. I truly hope you find a way to either overcome this or move on. I hope that for everyone here as well.

Take care and keep us all posted on your status.

Hugs,

Sheryl