Can any of you relate to this?

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Can any of you relate to this?
8
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:38am

I've only posted here a couple of times, usually in response to someone else, so none of you know my story. I'd like to say that I've found this board and you ladies VERY helpful, so thank you so much.

Right now I'll just say that I've been married to H for 5 years, known him for 9. We have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old - the loves of my life!!! Slowly over the past year or so I've realized that I'm being emotionally abused. Thanks to this board I'm starting to feel less alone so I'm just going to vent here for a moment. Regarding sex: If we don't have it at least once a day (and by sex I mean oral or the "entire act") he starts to get pissed and, like he did last week, accuse me of having an affair because we hadn't been physical for 2 days (OMG, 2 whole days?!?! see me rolling my eyes) and I had gone out with a girlfriend on one of those days so surely, I wasn't really with her, I was cheating on him. Because it certainly could have nothing to do with HIM why I wouldn't want to have sex. Frankly, ever since it became clear that if I turned him down, nicely I might add, he'd pout, have a tantrum and basically make me so miserable that it became easier to avoid it all and just give in. For years he'd wake me up after he'd gotten home after drinking because he wanted to talk and then have sex. Eventually I started fighting him about that because we have 2 small kids and naturally I was the one getting up with them and was exhausted. So that, unbelievably, has changed. It's one of the only victories I've had. But still, I know that if I don't give it to him 5 out of 7 days he'll make my life miserable. And I'm getting sick of living this way.

Have any of you had this experience? I'm starting to hate sex and it's something I've always loved, like most of us. Now I just cringe when he touches me. It's awful. Sorry, This got a little longer than I thought it would. At the very least, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, the main reason I posted this is that right now he's all mad at me because last night I yawned right after we finished up. Hell, I was tired - it was 11:00! He's barely spoken to me today, even though I apologized. Of course I think he's being ridiculous. Jeez, I can't believe I've been going through this garbage for so long.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Lisa

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Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:12pm

Lisa,

I can definitely relate to this. He always wanted sex on demand - whatever time of day or night - I was not supposed to be tired or want anything else. He never really accused me of being with someone else but then I was almost never able to get out of the house at all except to go to work. His favorite was to pinch me and then say - so there take that - and that was supposed to make me crazy with desire for him. He honestly gets all upset when he pniches me and I do not melt into his arms. It's as if I am supposed to have no wants or desires besides the ones he wants me to have and I am supposed to want whatever he decides he wants to do to me. I have gotten to the point where I cannot ever imagine enjoying sex again. I hate it. I hate being touched. I feel like I am being invaded and disregarded completely at the same time.

I wish I could give you advice but I never have figured out what to do about this. I do not dare say no or there is a fight. I hate to say yes because I feel terrible. I generally go with feeling terrible but not fighting but that is not a good answer. Now that I have left it should finally get better for me.

I am wishing you all the best. You deserve better than this but I know you already know that. Hopefully someone else will be able to give you some more constructive adivce that I have. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how rotten this stuff feels.

Demeter

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Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:33pm

Dear Lisa: BTDT a few years ago. My H had this problem for the bulk of our marriage. One night I refused, just out and out refused. The next day I threw him out. That was about 4 years ago. Fortunately, he got therapy (ALOT) and got to the exact nature of what was causing his incredible need for sex. He learned alot about himself and what triggers this need. I won't go on about it here, but you might want to learn alittle bit about narcissism. Anyhows, that ugly problem has not reared its head since we reconciled after that particular break-up.

I'm not here representing that his narcissistic tendencies are all gone and we're living happily ever after cause that's not the case. His narcissism has shown itself in other behaviors.

My point is that this need for sex does have a root in something in your H's past, and if I had to guess I would bet it had to do with his relationship with his mother during his childhood. My H's mother was one of the coldest people I've ever met and apparently she was the same way with H during his early childhood. Not enough hugs, not enough affection. Now when he feels the urge to turn to me to satisfy his need for validation, affirmation, approval, whatever, he checks it and goes out for a run or works out or something that doesn't involve me. And I am extremely grateful.

If your H is willing to recognize the problem, he may be able to overcome it. My H has dutifully gone for therapy at 7:00 a.m. every monday morning for almost 4 years and he works really, really hard at keeping himself under control. It doesn't always work, but he does put forth the effort and I appreciate that. The biggest challenge is getting your H to care that he has this particular behavior and that it needs to be addressed or you are sooooooo out of that marriage. Narcissists may change their behavior if you train them to - these are the exact words someone on this board used in regards to my H and I love them. I guess you could effectively say that my H has been "trained" not to use sex as a way to fill his void because he recognizes that it hurts me. He may not necessarily care that it hurts me in the sense that he can empathize, but because there will be negative consequences to him if he hurts me and he doesn't want that result.

Hang in there. I can't promise you it will get better, but you and your H both need some therapy. This experience will take a tremendous toll on you after awhile, if it hasn't already. I built up alot of anger towards my H which still surfaces occasionally when his narcissism comes out to play.

Relationships stink sometimes. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:38pm

This was Pinocchio's specialization.

 

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:50pm

Thanks for your reply - it was very interesting. I'm glad your husband has been so willing to work on this issue. I doubt very much that mine would. He sees it as me not caring, not loving him enough, etc. when I refuse. In his opinion, it is very much my problem and he sees nothing wrong with getting so upset on the rare occasions when I actually turn him down. We tried couples counseling beginning August 04 - April 05. It didn't help all that much as far as our relationship. It helped me realize some things about myself though.

I know there's a reason he is this way, I just don't care anymore, isn't that awful? And his mom is a very loving, kind, generous woman. I love her dearly. I don't think that's where his particular problem lies, but the narcissism? I'll definitely take a look into that.

Thanks for your help and for listening.

Lisa

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:53pm

Demeter,

As always, thanks for sharing your experience. It is always helpful. So, you mentioned that you've left. When did you leave and how did he react? I'm interested to know how it's going. Let me know.

Lisa

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:00pm

As I read your email I was amazed at how my thinking was the same, as far as choosing. Do I go for the act, that will last 10 min or less, or endure the arguing, the silent treatment, the accusations, etc. that could go on for a day or more? Wow. The worst part is I can't believe how long I've been enduring this.

I don't think he'd get physical. He's much more into verbal abuse. He likes to stomp around, slam doors, kick toys or whatever may be in his way and has punched a hole in the wall once. Very mature behavior, right? And to think this is how we're trying to teach our 4 year old NOT to behave. Granted, the kids don't always see him do this but.... I'd rather they never see it.

Thank you for the numbers you listed in your post. I may need to use them some day soon. Thanks for listening and sharing your experience.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:42am

Lisa,

I left on Wednesday and got my stuff on Thursday. It was easier than I thought it would be - we managed without a huge terible scene but I'm still kind of reeling from it emotionally a little. We have been talking and I cannot decide if it is a good or bad thing. He says he still wants to be with me and there is that part of me that still really loves him. But I will say that it has been easier to stand my ground and tell him what I definitely do not want and stand up for myself. Having my own place gives me a sanctuary to escape to - I do not have to worry about arguing with him all night, having him withdraw, pick on me, pick a fight about meaningless things to get back at me, etc. At the moment I have the upper hand ( not that I want to hold anything over his head but it certainly beats being the one down on the gournd being bullied all the time). He says he wants me back and he needs to prove an ability to change, listen to me and allow me to be a person again. I do not even really know what I am hoping for. I don't think I am hoping for anything right now but to find me again and learn how to like and please myself for a change. I don't have any realistic hope for things to change between us because I think the changes I need are too huge for him and I think he may take the easy way out and go back to his ex (who has already invited him over for Thanksgiving I might add) - but I do not at this moment mind giving him a chance from a distance. What I will want next week may be different but now I have the freedom and space and time to deal with that as it comes. It feels wonderfully freeing. It feels safer. I know what I will and will not accept and I am not giving in to his pressure or emotional manipulation - in fact from a step back I am starting to be able to recognize the real from the manipulation better than I was when I was totally ensnared in things with him all of the time. I feel a tiny bit more like me.

I know that you are still working on how to deal with your situation and how to get out. I hope that my experience can somehow give you a little more hope for you.

I'll be looking for your posts and thinking of you over Thanksgiving. I hope you have a good one.

Demeter

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 5:36pm

Demeter,

I only have a minute but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It took alot of courage for you to leave and I admire you so much for that. You found that strong woman inside of you who finally stood up and said, I'm not going to take this anymore! I'm sure he's telling you he'll change, that he loves you, etc. but I think you know in your heart he won't change. I've lived with the hope that H would change for so long. It finally hit me 2 years ago that he won't. The bottom line is they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. Please stay strong and don't let him guilt you into coming back. Enjoy your freedom and your new place. I think every day that goes by it will be easier for you to stay away and more difficult to consider going back. Hang in there, I'm sure some moments are tough, but you've done the right thing.

As for me, H niceness only lasted over the weekend. I'm just going to try to concentrate on my kids and my inlaws and the hope that next year things will be much different.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy your family and your freedom.

Take care,
Lisa