Can anyone relate...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Can anyone relate...?
12
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 12:17am

H and I have had some pretty intense conversations/arguments about separating yesterday and today. He has been saying all along that he is moving out in the New Year. Well I don't know if he was just trying to push me into complying with his wishes (get me to do what he wants) but I think I called his bluff (unwittingly).

I have been having sex with him even though I really don't want too - but he gets so full of rage when he doesn't have that release that I have been giving in - call it self preservation. He stayed at a friends house last night - we had an argument before he left. Then he was back by approx 7;30 (we were all still sleeping) and asking me for sex. I said no - he flipped out - I gave in - as per usual. Then I got up with the kids while he slept a wee bit longer. When he got up he wanted to go for round two. I think my nerves are shot and I had a bit of a panic attack - I said definietly no - he could see the outrage on my face - i couldn't even look at him. Then he said he wanted to go out for breakfast with the kids - I said my stomache was upset (which it was). Before he left we talked and I said that we needed to separate - that my nerves were shot - I can't go on living like this. Long story short - he has been saying he would not go to counselling for many months now (years actually)- but now that he sees that I want out he has agreed to go. Has told me he loves me and wants to work this out. I can even choose the counsellor. The thing is I can tell that he is being genuine (I might choke on those words tomorrow!)

I feel like I have to give him this shot - even though from all the posts I have seen here that any kind of turn around on his part is highly unlikely. I do feel that we need to split no matter what. If we could take sex right out of the mix - I know I could work on things with him. But I know that is not a truely realistic expectation.
Anyway - I asked him to stop coming and going whenever he wanted to and I told him I didn't want to discuss this anymore tonight. So far he has respected both of those requests. My nerves are still frazzled but I am hopeful that I finally got through to him.

What do you think? Also - does anyone know anything about sexual addiction? I am fairly certain that he hasn't slept with anyone else (no affairs) but he does seem completely dependant on sex - to help him sleep, to help him relax, to help him feel peaceful - you name it. It seems like his drug of choice. Without it he flips out - full of rage and anger, can't be civil, what do you think.....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:48pm

Hi Rose,

Does he know that you don't want to have sex with him? If he does know, he is taking advantage of you and that is called sexual abuse. Here is a post for you to check out:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=12110.1&x=y

The only reason he is agreeing to counselling is because you are putting a stop to the abuse and trying to end things. He sees this as I am losing control over her and I will do anything to get that back. Here is another post on this:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&x=y

You DO NOT have to give him one more shot!!! You have gave him so soo many times to change his ways, and has he? NOPE he hasn't. He isn't going to change this time around.

The thing is - you do not have to work on anything in your marriage. You say you could ork on things with him... but HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS TO DO ALL THE WORK! You have nothing to do with his abuse. He is the abuser... his responsibility!

Anyways... sorry if I came across rude at all... but please read those articles I posted. I have been through what you are going through right now, and it really does suck. You are a strong woman and you can get through this. :o)

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 11:09pm

Hi Lauren - Thanks so much for you note - I did read your links. Deep down I know that you are right. We have now separated and I feel fairly confident that this is what I want. I do not feel that I am in love with him anymore. The more reading I do about domestic abuse - the more sure I am that this relationship is over for me. I know that I cannot go back to that.

Saw my consellor today which is always very helpful (as luck would have it - I had called about individual marital counselling for me, as it turns out - she actaully specializes in domestic abuse and runs the court appointed programs in my area for me who abuse and women who are abused. She has been great.

The ball was in H's corner to call for counselling. He has not so far and I highly doubt that he is going to. I am not going to metnion it again. I am hoping beyond hope that he also feels that he is finished with this relationship. I know we both feel badly for the kids - but hopefully he doesn't miss me anymore than I miss him!!

Thanks again

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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