Can this be fixed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Can this be fixed?
2
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:04am

I have lurked on this board for quite some time and have looked at a lot of suggested websites.

I only just a few months a go came to the realization that I may possibly be in a abusive verbal/psychological relationship.

I am so confused because when he rages at me and we have our fights and things seem desperate and out of control I can't imagine doing anything but taking my 2 kids (3 and 15m) and leaving. But then it calms down, and he sometimes apologizes, and things seem not so bad and I feel silly for even thinking about it.

I know I am not happy but maybe it is me? I've had depression since I was a child (from my childhood) and had it worse a year or so ago. I am beginning to think that he might have had something to do with my struggle. At first he seemed sweet and loving but then I found him to be jealous and controlling (which at first I thought it was cause he loved me so much). But I feel confused. I don't think I am in love with him any more but there are times that are good and I feel like it is me that is making the situation worse. He keeps saying it's me that must have the problem because he thinks the relationship is okay, he thinks things are fine even though my 3 year old with yell "stop it" if I am caught in a fight in front of him (which I refuse to do now no matter what).

I sometimes feel like things are "okay" right now because I am just putting up with it. I am sort of trying to figure things out and how to leave but it is a bit complicated. I work midnights (had to get a job cause he wouldn't) and I don't drive and depend on him for rides. If I leave and get the kids (he threatened to keep them) then how will I also pay for 16 hours of day care/day (while I sleep too)? I tried changing my shift but there are no openings and I am making as much money as I can right now with my College education.

What I also feel like is maybe these things can be fixed. But then I think how can it? Every few weeks he accuses me of cheating on him, like flat out believes it. If I am late coming to the car from work he things I was with someone. That can't really be fixed can it? He'll apologize later sometimes and asks me to forgive him. He says he knows he has jealousy issues because he was cheated on by someone else but won't get help for it. He also likes to control the money or "use it up" before I can do anything with it, like even pay some bills. He looks after all his first. Can that be fixed? There are many things too and I can't help but think "what if". Like what if I leave but it was me all along.

Well I guess I was just trying to get a feel because I don't think my situation is any where as serious as others and thought maybe this is something I should be trying to fix and work at instead of trying to get out.

Just to add we have two kids together (Seth 3, and Nate 15m) and have been living common-law for 4 years and know each other 5. I met him when I was 20.

Thanks for listening (((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:49pm

Hi there,

Of what you have said I would say you are definitley in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It will be very hard to sink in, but you sort of already realize that things that he does aren't right.

Abusers will always get very angry at you, then a little while later apologize and say it will never happen again. That is so untrue, because it always happens again - and if they were sorry, it wouldn't happen again. You are not silly for thinking about leaving, becuase it really is the only option. You are in a very unhealthy relationship for yourself, and also for your kids.

I would say that he is a big factor to your depression. My abuser was very controlling, and also very jealous. It will never get better if you stay with him. I also thought it was sweet how much he cared - but it went way overboard, and he was way to jealous and controlling. I had to watch what I would say, or what I would do - sort of like walking on eggshells when he was around. It is a horrible way to spend your life.

Of course there are great times in the relationship. But do the good times outweight the bad times. All the good times are not worth all the heartache in the end. Of course he is saying that the relationship is fine - he is trying to control you. He will do anything and everything to try and make you stay. He will say that he cannot life without you, and he will die without you, and he will change his ways... but in the end if you do stay, it will go back to the way they were before - the abuse!

Do you have family or friends that you could go stay with?? I do not have kids, so I don't know all the details about leaving, or what he could do - but there is a lot of great people on this board that will have some advice for you.

About 1% of abusers will change - that is pretty low if you ask me!! That is with dedicated counselling - and actually willing to change. A lot of abusers will say that they do not have a problem?? Abusers have a very screwed up mind... and it doesn't make any sense to me how they think. They NEVER take any responsibilty for themselves.

My X did the same about the whole cheating thing. He was also cheated on by his past girlfriend - and now we have to deal with it. Also, he is not taking responsibility, he is blaming his X for his jealousy problems. My X would always ask about my past with other men, then get mad with the answers. well why did you ask then?? Don't ask if you can't handle the answer...even if I would go to the bar, I would come home and he would ask me about 50 questions - all about other guys at the bar, and did they hit on me... etc. it drove me crazy.

Your situation is serious - because it is verbally/emotionally abusive, and there are children in the unhealthy relationship. Just remember that the abuser is the one that will have to make the effort to change, and you cannot change anyone. It's only a 1% chance that you can count on for him to change.

I have just gotten out of a verbally/emotional relationship. I did not have children with this man. Verbally/emotionally abusive relationships in my opinion are worse than physical - they have a way of doing things that make you feel guilty all the time, jealousy issues, anger problems - and in the end they blame it on you.

I undertand how difficult it will be to let this all soak in - It took me a long time to admit I was in an abusive relationship - but it was such a relief when I did. I did give my X chance after chance to change his ways - but he never changes. He claims he was and still is going to counselling - but i'm sure he will drop out sooner or later.

Good Luck... and post how much you want. It helps a lot getting it out, especially to people know exactly what you are going thru.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 4:23am

"Do you have family or friends that you could go stay with?? I do not have kids, so I don't know all the details about leaving, or what he could do - but there is a lot of great people on this board that will have some advice for you."

This is my main problem :( My family are about 2 hours away and they all live in tiny apartments. I can't go there either because I can't loose my job and where they live there are not any. I feel so stuck. I hate that.

Thanks for the idea though. I'll figure something out hopefully.

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