Can he do this? Feeling desperate now
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| Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:23pm |
Hello everyone,
I posted a few messages on another board regarding my mentally abusive husband and was directed here. I was wondering if I could get any advice and just vent about the fear, anger and just total desperation I am feeling lately, since he has been, in addition to constantly criticizing and nitpicking me, now questioning why I'm spending so much money and is in the process of cutting off my funds. I have three children with a lot of needs, and maybe I do indulge them a little bit more than I should sometimes with outings and material things, but in the meantime, I have no idea what he spends or what assets we have because he has always controlled all the finances. Whenever I have asked him to spread everything out on the table he just ignores me and goes about his business, and whenever he questions me about whatever I'm spending, I just freeze in fear.
There were several thousand dollars in our joint account three weeks ago and now there is only around $50 dollars! I am too freaked out and frightened to ask him about it as he has been in an angry mood, and also I'm afraid of what I'll hear. We have other assets too, stocks and bonds and such, but everything is so spread out that I have no idea what we have and as I said before, he's not up front with me about it.
Without going into too much detail, several years ago I became a stay-at-home mom due to a move and also because there was so much stress dealing with my two older children who have mental health issues. We agreed that I would use the time to also study for a new career which I had been trying to get going for years but since he would never let me go back to school, just hadn't been able to accomplish it. Before I married him, I made him promise me that after we got married he wouldn't make it an issue, that one of my goals before our marriage had been to change careers, and that I didn't want the fact that I agreed to marry him and have the baby be something that caused me to be unable to fulfill that goal. He agreed reluctantly and I had a feeling he was going to try to stand in my way, which he did.
Anyway, fast forward several years now and I finally got him to agree to let me go back to school (and believe me I paid for his giving in with some physical violence), but ever since I got my computer programming certificate, there have been no jobs. That was four years ago. Two years ago, I decided to stay home a little longer and try for another certificate in computers, hoping that would make me more marketable, but alas, after all that studying, there are no jobs. He is bitter, angry and even rageful and blaming me that I haven't succeeded. The state I'm living in is at the bottom of the barrell as far as economy and everyone just keeps telling me that is why I can't find job, but I'm desperate. He is getting angrier by the day and now is threatening to cut off my funds. And I'm not in a position to go back to my job in the medical field because 1) it has been almost five years and I'd have to take a refresher course, and 2)I'm so stressed out living with him I don't think I could go back to that field without having a breakdown!
What can I do? I'm very afraid of his temper. He's good to the children most of the time(except for bullying me in front of them and also intimidating them at times--I can see the fear in their eyes and in their voices sometimes and it kills me!).
Where can I go to stop him from taking all the funds and then making me go to him for every penny, and continue to humiliate me as he has done all these years? Also he has been yelling at me and berating me in front of the kids, saying I'm lazy and sit on my you know what all day and don't want to get a job. He even threatened me last summer that I better get a job soon, "or else".
Vonique

Vonique,
First, hugs to you. I sense your frustration and fear and my heart goes out to you.
Based upon all you've shared, if I were you, I'd start making plans TODAY for my escape with the children. Even if I couldn't leave right away, I'd start planning. When I left my FAXH, I secretly planned and plotted for almost two months before making my escape.
Since you've indicated that he's pretty much drained your checking acct., do you have any family or friends who can give you the necessary funds so you can leave? Whatever they can spare should be placed in a separate savings acct. in a different bank or credit union, with the paperwork hidden in a place where he won't find it. Also, if you do plan to leave, the fewer people who know about it, the better. Your best bet will be not to tell anyone, esp. anyone you think might tell him or let it slip somehow.
The longer you stay, the more time and opportunity you give him to make good on his threat of "or else". Please do all you can to get out and protect your children from having to see you be abused by him.
If you are unable to borrow funds from anyone, before things turn worse, contact your local law enforcement and see if a police officer will help give you and your children safe passage out of the house and to a shelter.
All the best,
Heymum
Thank you! You're the first one who's told me that, and it makes sense. I called the domestic abuse hotline and the woman there said that if both our names are on the accounts anyone can do anything! I freaked out! I'm sure she meant he could take it out legally but even so part of it is mine, but she didn't say that. I'm hoping if he takes out most of the money that at some point he will be accountable for what he did with it and the law will recognize that part of it is mine.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm so confused! After he harassed me the other day about the money I was spending (nothing compared to what I suspect he spends--but he feels entitled to it because he earns it and I don't) I finally made the decision that this marriage HAS GOT TO END. I had a long talk with my Dad and he supports me, and also my mother does too (they didn't for a long time, not believing he was abusive til they saw it with their own eyes last year and since have been practically begging me to leave him).
I'm so afraid for my children. His mother is coming to visit us during the holidays and they are so looking forward to her visit. I so hate to ruin their holiday, but I don't know if I can wait the few weeks til then. I am going to start calling some lawyers immediately in the meantime.
I used to feel so weak about leaving him, but now I know that I absolutely cannot stay in this situation any longer! There is another account with a few thousand dollars in it with both our names on it, and I am considering taking some of that out, but I'm terrified of his rage if he finds out, but at the same time, I don't want to wait until he takes it all out either.
I'll keep you posted.
Vonique
Welcome, vonique, I'm glad you found us.