Can he really change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Can he really change?
7
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 11:49am

I'm so totally confused and lost right now and need some advice.

I've been married for almost 9 years with one child from a previous relationship and 2 children with my current H. 2 weeks ago after a fight with me my H took his anger and frustration out on my son, landing him in the ER to make sure he was ok. Police and Child Protective Services is involved and he was arrested on 4 counts of child abuse. The final protective order was signed stating he couldn't come home, contact me or the kids in any fashion. Visitation would be considered only after substantial professional help.

He is out of the house. I changed the locks and the kids and I are doing quite well with him not there. A strange calmful peace. My son is emotionally unstable right now due to this mess although the physical aspects have disappeared. He goes from happy, to sad, to very angry in the matter of minutes. He keeps telling me that he loves Daddy but doesn't want him home. I just keep reassuring him that he isn't coming home.

My H is living with his parents. His parents are stating that he is seeing a pyschologist and has enrolled in an anger management class (12 week program). My issue with this is that I don't think this is going to change him. We did an anger management class in the past (CPS ordered) and it didn't work. His parents (I feel) are just trying to get this resolved as soon as possible and forget it ever happened. They wanted me to go on the final protective order and beg the judge to let him come home. I'm like no way. He needs serious help.

Can they really change their ways? They (his parents) seem to think he is taking this very seriously this time. I think it's only because he is facing possible jail time and that I've got him out of the house and he is missing his comfort zone of home.

Any comments/advice would be helpful. Thank you so much.

PTC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:03pm

First off, abuse is not an anger management issue.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:32pm
And Scott Peterson's mom thinks he is innocent. Who cares what his parents think? These classes by themselves don't change people. He is in a class with other abusers. It's real easy to tune out the class and buddy up with his classmates and reinforce and justify the abusive behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:15pm
Take my opinion for what it's worth, as I'm just someone who has been abused and wants to understand it. I believe people *can* change if they really want to. However, sometimes I don't think it's possible. Sometimes I think abusers think differently. They don't think anything's wrong with what they did - it's everyone else's fault. If they don't (or won't) see a problem, they will never change. If they have just learned some very wrong actions and truly feel remorse, they may be able to change. I think it would take time though & they should be willing to do it on their own (without *needing you to help him change* - because if you're still helping him with his issues, you're changing for him, not him changing. make sense?). Also, if someone were to really change, they should show real remorse. & no longer feel that you owe them anything.
so in short, I think abusers can change. but I don't think it happens often
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 10:48pm

abuse stops when you leave or die.
things will never change as long as you are there for him to abuse. this is the classic abuse cycle he blows up at you and your children. afterwards he is nice and apologetic then he starts getting irritable and building towards another abusive episode. and the longer this goes on the happy(honeymoon) period will shorten to becoming non-existent. this will never change untill you leave or die.

your leaving is the best thing for you, your children.

you are almost there don't step back move forward you deserve it and so do your children.

and if you think of going back think of this first

27% of domestic homicides are children!!!

40- 60% of men who abuse women abuse children -it will get worse for them and you ( you have already witnessed this)

boys of abusive families are 3X more likely to grow up to be abusers

35% of women in an abusive relationship witnessed their mother being abused

The reasons for going back and not being able to make it are words he's put in your head over the years. It's like a bad recording replace it with a better one.

You and your children are worth it


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:54am

Hi PTC,

Take care of that little boy. Your husband has problems and chances are very good that they won't be resolved. The peace you are now feeling in the house is how life should be all the time. You and your children have every right to live this way.

One thing that you will find out is that many people minimize abuse. Especially the parents. I know when Wendell would throw on of his fits, it was accepted as just his personality and it was to be overlooked. That protective order was granted for a reason, don't let pressure from his parents make you do something you may regret later.

Stay strong!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 2:59pm

As hard as it is to be alone with 3 kids, the peace we have been feeling is worth it. I'm not dropping the RO....I'm going to fight for my kids. No longer will they live in fear of him.

You're completely right about minimializing the abuse. He apparently told his sister what had happened. She called me to get "the rest of the story" (her words) as she didn't believe everything he was saying. He said what he had done wasn't relevant, he hit him and hurt him but he recognizes he has a problem and is getting help. When I told her exactly what he had done, she was furious. She said they(his parents) are making him look like the victim instead of the abuser. Of course this is par for the course, his parents step in to save him. Well they can have him. Now I know why they always told me that I couldn't return him. Ha, who has him now.

I've stopped taking their calls and contacted CPS about them contacting me and asking me to drop the RO. She said she would have a little chat with them about that as indeed it is illegal (thanks for that information!!).

I will get through this and move forward with my life. I know deep down I've made the right decisions and just need to stay on track. I don't want him back in my life. I honestly hope he goes to jail for what he's done to my son. My sweet little boy.

Thanks for letting me vent.

PTC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:18pm
You go girl...we're here for you!