Can I help my sister?
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Can I help my sister?
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:38pm |
My sister been in a difficult marriage with a manipulative lazy ( her words) man for 13 years ( she's only 35). They separated for a time but got back together because she was afraid of being alone, she wanted to have a child, and she felt sorry for him ( her words).
Now they have two children. I've seen their relationship get even worse, they don't really talk or spend time together. Everytime he does something that would infuriate a woman used to standing up for herself, she tries to ignore it. She says she's fine with him going out while she does all the work so she doesn't have to deal with him.
My family tries to stay out of it & just be there for her, but recently I confronted him about something ( not about their relationship, more about his laziness worded differently ). I am not confrontational at all, and have only fought with one other person in my life. He blew up at me, he yelled so loud, he got in my face, he tried to intimidate me. I was in shock. I almost cried but didn't back down. We've always gotten along on the surface ,but i've always pretended not to be angry at him. I feel he showed me his true self. My sister doesn't know about it. I talked briefly to him afterwards & he tried to turn it around on me, I was in the wrong, tired, confused.
My sister said when they were separated that he can be verbally abusive. I imagine him doing this to her and it tears me up. I think he's good to my neice and nephew, but I worry about them. We don't live in the same state and I hate to leave when I visit because I wan't to be there for them.
Some people might say stay out of it but I've been in one verbally abusive relationship and if my friends and family stayed out of it just a little less I might have have the confidence to leave earlier.
I know I can't rescue her but is there anything I can do? She is smart and beautiful and good and deserves a happy life.
Now they have two children. I've seen their relationship get even worse, they don't really talk or spend time together. Everytime he does something that would infuriate a woman used to standing up for herself, she tries to ignore it. She says she's fine with him going out while she does all the work so she doesn't have to deal with him.
My family tries to stay out of it & just be there for her, but recently I confronted him about something ( not about their relationship, more about his laziness worded differently ). I am not confrontational at all, and have only fought with one other person in my life. He blew up at me, he yelled so loud, he got in my face, he tried to intimidate me. I was in shock. I almost cried but didn't back down. We've always gotten along on the surface ,but i've always pretended not to be angry at him. I feel he showed me his true self. My sister doesn't know about it. I talked briefly to him afterwards & he tried to turn it around on me, I was in the wrong, tired, confused.
My sister said when they were separated that he can be verbally abusive. I imagine him doing this to her and it tears me up. I think he's good to my neice and nephew, but I worry about them. We don't live in the same state and I hate to leave when I visit because I wan't to be there for them.
Some people might say stay out of it but I've been in one verbally abusive relationship and if my friends and family stayed out of it just a little less I might have have the confidence to leave earlier.
I know I can't rescue her but is there anything I can do? She is smart and beautiful and good and deserves a happy life.

I wouldn't say stay out of it- I went through much the same thing as you did. However, when we see people in these relationships, and they do not want to leave, there's not a lot that you can do short of dragging them out by the hair.
What you CAN do is continue to keep in contact with her. Don't stay away from her just because of him- I would not be surprised to learn that this blowup of his was at least partially calculated to cut her off from you. Don't overtly say "OMG, you need to get out of there," but "He called you a fat pig? That's pretty over the top. How does that make you feel?" That kind of thing. If she knows that someone besides her thinks it is not normal, it may well help her to get up the courage to leave. So will knowing that he has not succeeded in running you off, because you will be there to help her when she leaves.
I know this is the toughest thing in the whole world, to watch our loved ones go through YEARS of suffering at the hands of these idiots. We just have to stay firm and supportive, and let them know that we are there to help when they are ready.